Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Genie]

58 minutes ago, Anthony said:

Report, share, edit. That's all I got.

I would like, again, to blame Limpid. Life is so much easier when you can blame someone.

Maybe only donors have the extra “hide” button

 

Edited October 30, 2021 by Genie

[rodders0223]

So apparently last night the Mrs confronted some young lad who was shouting outside the house past midnight.

An argument ensued whereby he entered the garden slammed the gate shouted abuse and was generally intimidating. He then spat as he left calling her a fat bitch repeatedly.

I'm fuming.

...but also this is one in a long line of incidents where I'm of the opinion "if you don't start shit there won't be shit."

We've had takeaways being delivered to next door playing loud music. She's asked them to turn it down. Argument escalates and name calling and crying is the result.

IDGAF he will be gone in 2 **** minutes.

People parking outside the house. Constant earache to me.

IDGAF I'm home.

We've had drunked people outside the house having arguments. She needs to open the door and get involved.

 

We've been walking the dogs and the path is blocked because of  a parked car partially taking up the footpath.

Argument takes place.

IDGAF. People are arseholes. Move on.

 

Now this incident last night I am raging as he crossed the lane but again some word removed is drunk outside the house. Ignore it. What are you going to do? Reason with him and get an apology?

No.

 

I don't know what my question is or if looking for advice.

On each of these incidents I've keep my mouth shut but I'm at the point  now where I just think....you brought it on yourself.

[rjw63]

1 hour ago, rodders0223 said:

So apparently last night the Mrs confronted some young lad who was shouting outside the house past midnight.

An argument ensued whereby he entered the garden slammed the gate shouted abuse and was generally intimidating. He then spat as he left calling her a fat bitch repeatedly.

I'm fuming.

...but also this is one in a long line of incidents where I'm of the opinion "if you don't start shit there won't be shit."

We've had takeaways being delivered to next door playing loud music. She's asked them to turn it down. Argument escalates and name calling and crying is the result.

IDGAF he will be gone in 2 **** minutes.

People parking outside the house. Constant earache to me.

IDGAF I'm home.

We've had drunked people outside the house having arguments. She needs to open the door and get involved.

 

We've been walking the dogs and the path is blocked because of  a parked car partially taking up the footpath.

Argument takes place.

IDGAF. People are arseholes. Move on.

 

Now this incident last night I am raging as he crossed the lane but again some word removed is drunk outside the house. Ignore it. What are you going to do? Reason with him and get an apology?

No.

 

I don't know what my question is or if looking for advice.

On each of these incidents I've keep my mouth shut but I'm at the point  now where I just think....you brought it on yourself.

baseball bat.

[Davkaus]

I'm definitely in your corner on that one rodders. Yes, it sounds like she's in the right in some of these, but as you say, what's the best that can happen? Arseholes are very rarely arseholes accidentally, and all that happens is escalation. I view it the same as people who let the red mist descend in the car, and start doing stupid stuff like blocking or tailgating people who are driving badly - move over, slow down, let them go, and they're out of your life to never think about them again.

Have you tried talking to her about it, when the frustration has died down a bit? Right when she's ready to pick a fight is definitely not the time to have this conversation, but when she's chilled out afterwards, have you tried putting it across she needs to pick her battles for a less stressful life?

[Xela]

I'd agree with @Davkaus on this @rodders0223. No good can come from confronting a drunk shouting idiot in the early hours! I might come across as a grump on here, but i'm actually quite laid back and none of the incidents you mention would have made me seek confrontation with anyone. I live next to a train station so you can have drunks shouting on the platform... but they're gone in a few mins, never to be seen again. Someone might pick a neighbour up and their car is blasting music... they'll be gone in 30 seconds, no need to worry about it. People parking outside on the road.. its a public road, not an issue. 

But, some people are wired differently, like your girlfriend. My Dad is the same, he would have got involved. I guess. you need to speak to your girlfriend and explain that no good will come from being confrontational.

[Rugeley Villa]

It’s a tough one because is it worth saying something as you never know what the drunk or anyone else for that matter is carrying on them. They could also put your windows through etc . You can’t really reason with a drunk and once you lose control you never know what it could escalate to. I don’t like confrontation, I **** hate it. One of the reasons is that I’m shit at arguing, I just go from 0-10 within a few seconds or it only takes the person to be aggressive and I go into fight mode. I don’t tend to get involved in other peoples shit and I don’t like the missus to either so if that was my bird I think I’d give her a round of ****.  My missus upset some gobshite the other month in the street. She was bang out of order and he kind of threatened her saying she’s in trouble with him and better watch out. I didn’t like that one bit but I understood why he was angry . I went up with an open mind and went up on my own to his house to apologise about my missus . I thought if he’s ok and leaves it great, that’s the best result. If he starts getting aggressive to me or starts slagging my missus to me then I’d go up like a bottle of pop . Thankfully he was sound and accepted the apology, which I knew he would anyway because he’s a gobshite . 
 

I also think some of us blokes struggle to let our alpha male side go. We feel like we should be doing something and standing up to whoever but that’s not always the wise thing to do. If you can avoid confrontation, then do it, but in same breath there’s a line and we’ve all got our lines set differently in terms of when we think someone has crossed it. 

[mottaloo]

I swear to god that there are people in this world who wake up and wonder what they can be an arsehole about today and take great pleasure from it.

[Sid4ever]

3 hours ago, mottaloo said:

I swear to god that there are people in this world who wake up and wonder what they can be an arsehole about today and take great pleasure from it.

Niche reference but Michael Masi says Hi

[Xela]

3 hours ago, mottaloo said:

I swear to god that there are people in this world who wake up and wonder what they can be an arsehole about today and take great pleasure from it.

u ok hun x

 

[tinker]

On 12/12/2021 at 12:25, rodders0223 said:

So apparently last night the Mrs confronted some young lad who was shouting outside the house past midnight.

An argument ensued whereby he entered the garden slammed the gate shouted abuse and was generally intimidating. He then spat as he left calling her a fat bitch repeatedly.

I'm fuming.

...but also this is one in a long line of incidents where I'm of the opinion "if you don't start shit there won't be shit."

We've had takeaways being delivered to next door playing loud music. She's asked them to turn it down. Argument escalates and name calling and crying is the result.

IDGAF he will be gone in 2 **** minutes.

People parking outside the house. Constant earache to me.

IDGAF I'm home.

We've had drunked people outside the house having arguments. She needs to open the door and get involved.

 

We've been walking the dogs and the path is blocked because of  a parked car partially taking up the footpath.

Argument takes place.

IDGAF. People are arseholes. Move on.

 

Now this incident last night I am raging as he crossed the lane but again some word removed is drunk outside the house. Ignore it. What are you going to do? Reason with him and get an apology?

No.

 

I don't know what my question is or if looking for advice.

On each of these incidents I've keep my mouth shut but I'm at the point  now where I just think....you brought it on yourself.

Move house 

[chrisp65]

2 minutes ago, tinker said:

Move house 

And don’t tell her your new address.

[tomav84]

On 12/12/2021 at 12:25, rodders0223 said:

So apparently last night the Mrs confronted some young lad who was shouting outside the house past midnight.

An argument ensued whereby he entered the garden slammed the gate shouted abuse and was generally intimidating. He then spat as he left calling her a fat bitch repeatedly.

I'm fuming.

...but also this is one in a long line of incidents where I'm of the opinion "if you don't start shit there won't be shit."

We've had takeaways being delivered to next door playing loud music. She's asked them to turn it down. Argument escalates and name calling and crying is the result.

IDGAF he will be gone in 2 **** minutes.

People parking outside the house. Constant earache to me.

IDGAF I'm home.

We've had drunked people outside the house having arguments. She needs to open the door and get involved.

 

We've been walking the dogs and the path is blocked because of  a parked car partially taking up the footpath.

Argument takes place.

IDGAF. People are arseholes. Move on.

 

Now this incident last night I am raging as he crossed the lane but again some word removed is drunk outside the house. Ignore it. What are you going to do? Reason with him and get an apology?

No.

 

I don't know what my question is or if looking for advice.

On each of these incidents I've keep my mouth shut but I'm at the point  now where I just think....you brought it on yourself.

i have the same with my mrs with the big difference that she'll complain to me, rather than confront them directly. i just agree, responding like "yeah that's annoying isn't it" when deep down i really couldn't care less.

number 1 rule - don't shit on your own doorstep. why one would want to start a war with their neighbours i'll never understand.

getting involved in 2 drunks having a row outside is a really strange one. why insert yourself into that situation? no good can come of it...does she think they're going to turn around and say "my apologies madam, we'll take our drunken squabble elsewhere, enjoy your evening" ?

[Davkaus]

So in February, I have a kid on the way, with my ex-fiancee, we broke up about 18 months ago, but, you know, kept shagging. Sigh. 

As it happens about 2 weeks after the miraculous conception, and after we had another falling out, I met another lovely lady, and we'd been together since about May. Not particularly long term, but I really thought she was perfect for me, until the child bombshell dropped. I've been honest with her, but the problem's been plaguing me so much I've just shut myself away, pushed her and every friend away, and sat at home, on my own, drinking, wondering why I'm miserable. It's pretty much the same pattern of destructive behaviour that shit-canned the marriage as well. The amount of people I've just pushed away, cancelled plans with, and stopped speaking to, while I sit at home wishing I wasn't so lonely. It's **** ridiculous.

I've hurt the new girl so much, she's ready to just move on, and I can't blame her. It still really stings even though I'd basically just shut her out for weeks and knew it was coming.

The mother of my child, christ that's a weird thing to say, has previously endured the same shutting out/pushing away, and knows what I'm like, but still wants me to be as involved with the child as I want to be, so I guess I have a few weeks to sort my head together, figure out what I want, and try to get things right.

I've reached the point where I've finally realised I'm never going to be happy with someone else if I'm not happy with myself. Easier to say than to fix though.

We should start a VT part-time single dad's club, @Stevo985  Hope you're doing alright mate.

[El Zen]

30 minutes ago, Davkaus said:

We should start a VT part-time single dad's club, @Stevo985  Hope you're doing alright mate.

[Eidolon]

So my girlfriend’s parents (Who have always been polite and welcoming to me in person) have kicked her out of home basically because they don’t approve of her dating me. I feel responsible and she has nowhere really to go on short notice but we haven’t been dating all that long and I don’t think we are ready to live together (I’ve only ever lived with a partner once and I completely torpedoed the relationship because of it) I CANNOT deal with my home environment being disordered and not tidy to my standards and I’m freaking out about suddenly having to share my space with a 25 year old who has never been out of home before and honestly kept a fairly messy room. I’m hoping her parents back down and realise they are out of order  but I can’t see this ending well.

[Davkaus]

11 minutes ago, Eidolon said:

So my girlfriend’s parents (Who have always been polite and welcoming to me in person) have kicked her out of home basically because they don’t approve of her dating me. I feel responsible and she has nowhere really to go on short notice but we haven’t been dating all that long and I don’t think we are ready to live together (I’ve only ever lived with a partner once and I completely torpedoed the relationship because of it) I CANNOT deal with my home environment being disordered and not tidy to my standards and I’m freaking out about suddenly having to share my space with a 25 year old who has never been out of home before and honestly kept a fairly messy room. I’m hoping her parents back down and realise they are out of order  but I can’t see this ending well.

As a serial torpedoer of relationships, see above, take my advice with a ton of salt, but I'd think it's worth having this conversation up front - if you force it and try to not let it get to you, it's going to be worse for both of you. Is there any chance of her finding her own place with a bit of time if she stays with you for a while?

[Mark Albrighton]

10 hours ago, Davkaus said:

We should start a VT part-time single dad's club, @Stevo985  Hope you're doing alright mate.

I’ll give you a heads up. While I know where you’re coming from with phrasing it like this, take it from me, even if you don’t see your kid every day, you’re still a full time dad.

[Eidolon]

7 hours ago, Davkaus said:

As a serial torpedoer of relationships, see above, take my advice with a ton of salt, but I'd think it's worth having this conversation up front - if you force it and try to not let it get to you, it's going to be worse for both of you. Is there any chance of her finding her own place with a bit of time if she stays with you for a while?

That’s the plan, that she looks for a place of her own whilst at mine. She has a fair bit of saved up cash behind her but the rental market here is BRUTAL at the moment and without rental history it might take a while.

You are right though, I’ll have a conversation with her about it and try be a bit less blunt than I can sometimes be when it comes to this stuff. 
 

EDIT: Somehow I ended up pages back and didn’t realise, apologies to anyone getting reactions on posts they made all the way back in September, I’m not weird I promise

Edited December 16, 2021 by Eidolon

[Mandy Lifeboats]

12 hours ago, Eidolon said:

So my girlfriend’s parents (Who have always been polite and welcoming to me in person) have kicked her out of home basically because they don’t approve of her dating me. 

Now is the time to set up a meeting and LISTEN to their concerns.  Even if you feel like punching them in the face - be calm and polite.  They clearly don't like you for whatever reason.  Don’t react to what they say.  Just listen.  

The worst scenario is that they still don't like you.  The best scenario is they are amazed by your responsible and mature attitude. 

[Eidolon]

1 hour ago, Mandy Lifeboats said:

Now is the time to set up a meeting and LISTEN to their concerns.  Even if you feel like punching them in the face - be calm and polite.  They clearly don't like you for whatever reason.  Don’t react to what they say.  Just listen.  

The worst scenario is that they still don't like you.  The best scenario is they are amazed by your responsible and mature attitude. 

They don’t approve of me solely because I’m a transwoman.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Eidolon
Further clarity