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irreverentad

Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

8,782 posts in this topic

Posted

Hello all,

As I am not really wanting to Break up with a girl I thought I would start up this thread.

I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months. She is funny, beautiful and I really like her. She has an 23 month old son from a previous relationship who is amazing too.

Her previous relationship was very violent physically and mentally and ended when her ex husband threatened to burn the house down with her and the baby inside. She lives on high alert and always has a bag packed by the door in case he finds her. No one, apart from immediate family, is allowed to know where she lives (although she has told me). She is hoping that her ex will move back to Sierra Leone in a few weeks (from what she has heard).

My issue is quite selfish...... I really like this girl and her son but I am worried that her previous relationship means that I have to be 'whiter than white' and I am always on my guard around people she knows. Her family is very protective (understandably!!!) and as such when I met them last weekend it was kind of like going for an interview.

I just want to relax with her but I always feel like I am walking on egg shells around those who know her. I dont want to be held up as the 'saviour of her perceptions of men' and equally I don't want to be judged by her family to this degree.

It just seems really early in a relationship with all this heavy stuff. On the flip side she is fantastic.

What do I do?

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Posted

Just be yourself mate around her, she will let you know (as all women do) if your doing something wrong.

Dont put on an act, she has to love (i know its early doors bet you get what i mean) you for who you really are and not who you are trying to be.

I can understand her close family being nervous, but as i say just be yourself. Follow your heart, your the only one who knows how you feel about her, if she is worth it then go for it.

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Posted

I wouldnt worry so much about acting like a saint. Compared to her ex, you're going to look like a pretty good guy regardless.

I'd be more worried if her ex was a good guy that she was still fond of, the way I see it; you can do no wrong.

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Posted

**** hell this forums turning into a sissy fest..

just stick yer pipe in 'er gob and tell her you love her, works everytime. Trust me, I know what women want, like Mel Gibson before he was racist.

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Posted

Every family gives you a grilling when going to see them for the first time. Its pretty nervewracking but once you get over that, they will learn to like you. They always want to see that you are going to be good towards their daughter.

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Posted

Up the wrong 'un :lol:

Now that is out of the way, it sounds like things are going a bit fast for your liking. Maybe you should tell her how you feel. You really like her but just want to slow down a tad.

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Posted

With her and her son, I am fine.

It is just her family and friends, Her freinds hold me up as some amazing guy who never does anything wrong, while her parents are waiting for me to trip up. It just seems so heavy for a 2 month relationship.

I know it is not her fault. It is the fault of the cretin she was with before.

I really want all of her family to like and trust me but I feel I am not being jusdged from a 'middle' point. Makes it really tough.

We are both nearly 30. I would not even introduce her to my folks for another year at least. It just feels 'crowded'

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Posted

I'd say stick with it. Like Lombardo said, every family gives you a grilling. This one maybe more so, but once they get to know and trust you it'll all be sugar and rainbows.

If you like her as much as you say then it'll be worth it in the long run.

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Posted

We are both nearly 30. I would not even introduce her to my folks for another year at least. It just feels 'crowded'

Completely agree with this. I'd be the same.

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Posted

don't worry, if you're a good guy, that'll come through with the family. Be the person you are.

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Posted

With her and her son, I am fine.

It is just her family and friends, Her freinds hold me up as some amazing guy who never does anything wrong, while her parents are waiting for me to trip up. It just seems so heavy for a 2 month relationship.

I know it is not her fault. It is the fault of the cretin she was with before.

I really want all of her family to like and trust me but I feel I am not being jusdged from a 'middle' point. Makes it really tough.

We are both nearly 30. I would not even introduce her to my folks for another year at least. It just feels 'crowded'

Sounds like you need to tell her what youve just told us mate, im sure she will understand as you understand why her parents are acting like they are.

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Posted

Have you spoke to her about this? If you mention that sometimes youre worried about this and thats its not a huge deal but something for her to bear in mind it wil ake things a lot easier. Though she is probably feeling very fragile and scared about things at the moment you need her to understand that in some smaller ways you are too. Talk it over and be as open as possible and liste to her fears. If she cant accept, understand and sympathise with who you honestly are theres no point anyhow.

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Posted

Haha lapal.....smooth mover.

I know Lombardo you are right. But I feel they are on watch for a sign or something. I am not and have never been an angry guy....more of a sulker haha

Tamuff you are right things are going a bit quick. But the time I spend with her is nice and relaxed. But she builds me up to her friends saying I am fantastic and amazing with her kid etc and such a change from her ex. I just feel if I am on a railroad and I cannot slow down.

She is fantastic and her kid is amazing. I even chuckled at the looks we got in the park as we were holding hands and her mixed race child running round us! haha

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Posted

Been with the fella 8 months and he's only met my parents once. I don't like someone to become too integrated in my family anymore until I consider the relationship to be absolutely serious.

So I totally understand what you mean by too much too soon, especially after 2 months!

Firstly relax, you like her a lot, it appears she feels the same way too. That's the main thing. The suspicion of you from her family members likely won't last long, in the meantime perhaps just limit the time you spend around her family - go and see yours when she goes to see hers maybe.

Everyone feels 'judged' by family and friends - that's a normal part of a new relationship. The feelings and atmosphere will fade away as times goes on, it will improve and you will get to know everyone properly. Try not to worry too much in the mean time, everything comes out in the wash and they will see what a genuine good guy you are.

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Posted

Cheers Dante. Yup I wanna stick it out. I just cannot live up to the hype!

Shillzz, she is also wanting to meet my mates so that she knows I am who I say I am. I am fine with that but I dont wanna feel like I am always on trial!

Tomzep, you are right. I just don't want her to think it is because I am looking for a way out. Or she gets sensitive about things.

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Posted

Cheers Laura,

I guess after the breakdown in my marriage. I was not really looking for a serious relationship. I seem to be at the gates of entering one. However, she is amazing and I would like it to be with her.

My parents live 4 hours away (thank god). I am not sure if I am ready for them to meet her or indeed they are ready to meet her after the split with the ex.

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Posted

Yeah I umderstand the fea rof being misunderstood or her talking it badly, but ive found if you dont talk about stuff it just bursts out at some random point over something little and I end up walking out for what seems a random reason. Maybe plan out what you want to say so it doesnt sound too over the top.

The meeting your mates is just a safety thing an dpossibly as she doesnt trust her own judgment. Do it and then reassure her that she was right all along and that thres nothing to fear.

With my current gf I had to say that I sometimes felt judged by her past bfs mistakes or that their mistakes were already strikes against me just for being another man. Talking about it made it a lot better and made me feel a lot calmer and securer about things

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Posted

I think you most definatly need to speak to her about it mate, just be honest with her, she will appreciate it a hell of alot more. Im sure she will understand how you feel.

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Posted

Yup I will talk to her. Cheers guys.

I just feel selfish about having these issues after the horrors she has been through. It makes my issues feel a bit 'me me me'

I understand why her and her family and friends are like this.It just makes me uncomfortable.

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Posted

Fortunately my ex boyfriends aren't a patch on my current boyfriend, so it's clear to see for friends and family what a great guy he is.

But then, isn't that always the case? Surely most people learn from mistakes, what they want and don't want from previous experiences, so your current partner will always be someone you deem to be a great person. Her friends & family will see that for sure.

There are pros and cons of mentioning how you feel or deeming it / the situation too sensitive. Perhaps best for you to judge as you know her. Do what feels right.

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