Mandy Lifeboats

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    Bed - 33% probability.

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  1. Mandy Lifeboats

    WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

    An American wakes up in hospital. Doctor 》You were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want. The following day........... Doctor 》 Have you chatted with your wife? Patient 》Yes Doctor 》What are you having? Patient 》A fitted kitchen with granite worktops.
  2. Mandy Lifeboats

    Things that piss you off that shouldn't

    Thanks for the info Mr Collim...........(this post has been terminated by the Villa Talk automatic liable detector)
  3. Mandy Lifeboats

    Going Under ?

    1. No we are not. There are tough times ahead but it's only a matter of time until we bounce back. 2. Villa has a brand and a history. That's worth something. 3. Football is one of the few businesses where you can operate badly, produce a poor product but still get people buying your product out of pure loyalty. 4. We have a fan base that is larger than 95% of English clubs. We may go into lower leagues but we will eventually find a level where even our worst levels of support are far superior to our competitors. 5. There's always FC Villa of Aston to fall back on. 6. What we are facing now is no worse than what Wolves, Brighton and Rangers faced in fairly recent history. 7. Disasters sell papers. The Media aren't going to give us a fair and reasonable picture. They are going to portray the worst possible scenario. The Millenium bug didn't cause us to go back to the Stone Age; no-one caught aids from swimming in Freddie Mercury's local baths; the UK banking system didn't collapse; that idiot TV reality star Trump suffered a humiliating defeat in the presidential election.* * OK. .........I accept there are exceptions.
  4. Mandy Lifeboats

    Tony Xia

    Wow......even earlier than I jokingly predicted.
  5. Mandy Lifeboats

    Incorrect Song Lyrics

    Bob Dylan - Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me. How many songs have ever been played on the Tambourine?
  6. Mandy Lifeboats

    Incorrect Song Lyrics

    Springsteen - Can't start a fire without a spark. There are numerous ways.
  7. Mandy Lifeboats

    Incorrect Song Lyrics

    Busted - "I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they live underwater. But your great great great grand-daughter looks mighty fine." With a generation being approximately 25-30 years apart this could not account for a period of 1000 years without significant changes to life expectancy.
  8. Mandy Lifeboats

    Incorrect Song Lyrics

    Abba- My my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. No....he lost but definitely didn't surrender.
  9. Mandy Lifeboats

    Incorrect Song Lyrics

    I'll start you off with a few examples. Band Aid - "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." There's are several mountains in Africa that are snow capped in December. Such as....... Toto - "Kilimanjaro rising like Mount Olympus above the Serengeti." Not unless it's moved. Julie Andrews - "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". Dangerous advice to diabetics. Oasis - "Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball." Cannonballs are rarely noted for their slow velocity. Does anyone want to offer any more?
  10. Mandy Lifeboats

    WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

    Why is a girl from Wolverhampton like a Las Vegas hooker? They will both have sex for a pile of chips.
  11. Mandy Lifeboats

    First Memory

    Falling down stairs and fracturing my skull. Luckily there was no lasting damage. The goblin that lives in my head used his magic to make me better. Spoons.
  12. Mandy Lifeboats

    Science Thread

    My great-niece is staying with us at the moment because her dad is a complete tw@t. .......but that's irrelevant. It's become apparent that she has been conducting secret experiments. On Saturday she lost a milk tooth and didn't tell anyone. She put it under her pillow and the Tooth Fairy has been conspicuous by her absence. She told me about the tooth yesterday and suddenly the Tooth Fairy is dishing out money. She confronted me today with the results of her experiment and made a well reasoned conclusion that I put the money under her pillow and not the Tooth Fairy. This leads me to conclude 3 things. 1. She is destined for a career in science. 2. Kids are easy to fool. She now believes my version of events. The Tooth Fairy will never collect a tooth until the appropriate parent or guardian is aware of the tooth loss. 3. She might be doing other experiments on me that I am yet to discover. Does Uncle Mandy wake up when you drop ludo counters into his mouth? Can adults tell if you put Plasticine in their curry?
  13. Mandy Lifeboats

    VillaTalk Deadpool 2018

    Will everyone wear orange at Dale Winton's funeral?
  14. Mandy Lifeboats

    VillaTalk Deadpool 2018

    Barbara Bush - 92
  15. Mandy Lifeboats

    VillaTalk Deadpool 2018

    GOAT? Probably. I saw him ride many times. He was one of those riders who could win without looking like he was trying. A true professional.