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irreverentad

Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

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3 hours ago, colhint said:

I have a situation. We got divorced about 4 years ago. 2 kids and we did everything to make it ok for them. My 19 year old daughter moved out about 6 months ago, which just leaves my ex and my son. They don't get on. Neither will give an inch. She was one of 4 girls, so my son is the first teenage boy she has come across. Her one sister had a lad and he left his teens about 20 years ago. Now it's the 2 of them and her next boyfriend, there,s been a few. Both parent and child are pretty headstrong, both intelligent and neither will back down.

Tonight it all blew up again this time it was all about his contact lenses. He has only had them a short while, he hated glasses. Was picked on at school about them. So he wanted to make sure a contract was sorted, so he doesn't have to go back to glasses. She's in a bad mood after work. Anyway it goes balistic to the point where boyfriend has him round the neck and gets him on the floor. Bit of bruising but nothing more.  He's 16 and a rugby player but was taken by surprise. Boyfriend has been around for a month or so. Ex stood and watched. 

I have brought him back to mine and will keep him with me a while. 

Ex and I have agreed to meet next  week,  and I have only heard half of one side of the story, both too angry. 

Not sure what to do next. He wants the police involved, not sure if that's wise, maybe.

Whilst you are right that there are 2 sides to a story, that is not anyway you treat a child, doesn’t matter how bad they have been. Given he has been around for only a month, that is an awfully quick deterioration into violence. 
I think you need to find out more from your ex before getting the police properly involved with this. However, what it could be a dominance thing with this chap, he perhaps has seen the connection between tour ex and her son and tried to break him off. That means he has your ex to himself. Sadly it can be a very typical action of violent men. Has he moved in yet was just stopping? If he’s moved in, that’s really quick as well and clearly will cause conflict with your son. 
He’s with you now, so you know he’s safe.
I would have a word with your ex. Find out from her what happened, but he a little careful if she fully backs the boyfriend, your son may still be telling the truth. Also tell her to check with the police under Clare’s Law in any event Link to WM police but all police forces have it now if that’s not your local. They will tell her if the guy has a history of violence and whether she should stay away. It maybe nothing, but it has some of the markers of a controlling and domestically violent man, and it certainly wouldn’t harm her to check, particularly if your son does end up going back to live with her. Otherwise it may be better if he stays with you for a lot longer, particularly if your ex chooses the boyfriend over the son.

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How can a conversation about contact lenses end up with a bloke grabbing anyone round the neck? 

**** pathetic from the adults here.

If the teenager is being a Mardy arse let him, the **** speccy word removed, he's a teenager.

The new chimp in town shouldn't be grabbing anyone, the clown.  And what woman would let her new chimp grab her son by the throat and pin him on the floor?  A shit one who is thick as shit by the sounds of it.

Don't use violence, it'll just end up worse, but say clearly to all of them this isn't acceptable and they need to have a good hard look in the mirror if Mr new thicko uses violence against, you'll call the police.

Honestly, just how stupid do you have to be to end up like that? Pathetic.

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I don't have kids but if anyone harmed my niece or nephew (both teenagers) then common sense would fly out the window and I'd rip his head off or do my best to.

I'm not a violent man, quite the opposite in fact. I know I'd end up in trouble but if some toe rag thinks he has the right to do that to one of my own then he's fair game to get plenty back. 

I hope ur ex didn't just stand there. Blood is blood, water is water. Perhaps she's scared of him already ? Either way, it's not a healthy start to a relationship. 

Good luck to you and ur boy.

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You don't physically assault someone else's child, that's appalling behaviour. You do need to find out what happened, if your son instigated the altercation then it changes the situation slightly. 

Either way, as an adult you don't allow a situation to escalate to the point where there is an assault. 

If it turns out this bloke has assaulted your boy unprovoked you absolutely need to involve the police. 

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34 minutes ago, colhint said:

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm taking a few days to mull it over.

Yeah you're right to step back and mull it over. My earlier post was a lil hot headed but the outrage I'd feel would be the same.....just need to count to 10 or similar.

I think a police visit to "Mr I assault kids" may well mark his card. I just hope he doesn't have form for this type of thing. 

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I think I might have to contact the police in some low level form. He's 16 now but turns 17 in a couple of weeks. So I'm not sure if he is classed as a minor then.

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1 minute ago, colhint said:

I think I might have to contact the police in some low level form. He's 16 now but turns 17 in a couple of weeks. So I'm not sure if he is classed as a minor then.

At the time of the assault he was a minor, I don’t think it matters when his birthday is. You just can’t go about grabbing kids by the throat. The new partner is completely out of order. You can’t tell your ex how to live, that’s her choice but you can think of the safety of your son. 

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4 minutes ago, colhint said:

I think I might have to contact the police in some low level form. He's 16 now but turns 17 in a couple of weeks. So I'm not sure if he is classed as a minor then.

He wasnt 17 when he was assaulted.

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Not sure what ur situation is, but I'd let the young lad know he can pack a bag and let her rot with that new arsehole. Also contact the police. At a minimum, there will be a record of this, because that type of man is unlikely to be a single time offender, especially when the ex is not too bothered by things. Make sure to let ur lad know he did the right thing by not clocking the guy, not worth the hassle.

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@colhint You haven't outlined what your custody situation is, but if you have legal arrangements then taking the kid out of the home might violate those, so that's one possible reason to contact the police (I understand that maybe that isn't the case, since you haven't mentioned it).

However, I think you should contact the police anyway. There is no 'but he was being a dick' or 'but he started it' defence for adults being physically violent with kids. If this happens again in the future, you will want an official record that the next time isn't the first time, and you need to remove the possibility of *you* being seen as negligent at any point.

I appreciate it's a tough situation, though, so good luck.

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The people recommending violence should be ignored. You hit him. He grads a knife and stabs you. In all matters violence should be the last resort. 

If you decide to report this to the Police they will look at the matter. But unless the guy admits and/or your ex gives evidence against him, there's no real prospect of conviction. If the guy has a clean criminal record and he admitted it I'd expect him to get a formal caution and no more. 

But this could become a regular occurrence. If so,  it's better to get it reported now. 

Good luck. 

 

 

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20 hours ago, Mandy Lifeboats said:

The people recommending violence should be ignored. You hit him. He grads a knife and stabs you. In all matters violence should be the last resort. 

If you decide to report this to the Police they will look at the matter. But unless the guy admits and/or your ex gives evidence against him, there's no real prospect of conviction. If the guy has a clean criminal record and he admitted it I'd expect him to get a formal caution and no more. 

But this could become a regular occurrence. If so,  it's better to get it reported now. 

Good luck. 

I think its worth logging with the police even if the chance of punishment is low. He'll get a tap at the door which will hopefully make him think twice next time.

Not reporting could have the opposite effect.

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7 minutes ago, villan-scott said:

I only keep returning to find out the next instalment of whether @A'Villan has banged the Aussie actress yet? 

Probably forced to sign an NDA.

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Oi POB you word removed. Say hello once in a while or I'll get Gareth to photoshop a dildo on your head.

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22 hours ago, villan-scott said:

I only keep returning to find out the next instalment of whether @A'Villan has banged the Aussie actress yet? 

Given the flirting and how cosy we were with physical contact in the past, and the enthusiasm in her recent messages, I was looking forward to meeting her.

So, as I did with the folk on VT, I shared the news with some friends, I was excited, can you blame me? Some were aware that we were close a while back, others hadn't heard of her.

One of my mates goes straight onto her instagram and has a little stalk (probably something I should've done) and found something which makes me curious but also reluctant.

Turns out she's taken, or so it seems. I knew she was in a long-term relationship with a bloke which has definitely ended, and not so long ago, so I thought her currently unattached.

But current relationship status is definitely up in the air judging by some of her instagram posts. Easily fixed, I can just ask her.

I guess I'm slightly surprised given that I was happy just to exchange pleasantries and well wishes and go separate ways again, but she genuinely wants to meet.

Totally open to the idea she has fond memories and sees me as an old friend she would like to catch up with, but I've misread the dialogue if that's the case.

Kinda wishing I didn't post that now, but since I have I'll update if i feel anything worth sharing transpires.

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