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Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread


irreverentad

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7 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

This.

If you've asked her not to say it and she knows it pisses you off then she's doing it deliberately because she knows you hate it.

I hardly ever get annoyed at my OH, to be honest I rarely get annoyed at anyone, but if she does something that she knows I hate and I've asked her not to do then I'll kick off a bit. Doesn't matter what it is, if you don't like it she shouldn't do it

 

Not saying you should fly off the handle, but you have every right to be pissed off about it.

I freely admit that my anger can flicker pretty quickly, through my 20's I let it run riot but after seeing the hurt I could do I have spent the best part of 10 years trying to be a better person. I still run my mouth from time to time (as you all have seen on VT) but I also think I'm pretty good at putting my hand up and saying Ive been a dick.

I know I'll die still trying but I won't give up, I guess I just figured if there is one person in the world who would know how hard I try, would be my wife.

She also doesn't do apologies which doubles the problem. 

I get quite down when I act like this as I'm the type of person who you could quite easily dislike but if you get to know me I think I'm a pretty decent person.

She knows this but she won't approach me she will just hold out until I buckle and say it's all my fault. I'm in no mood to make such a concession at this point though.

I wish I was calm and rational and level headed but I'm me, for better or worse.

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1 minute ago, Villan_of_oz said:

I freely admit that my anger can flicker pretty quickly, through my 20's I let it run riot but after seeing the hurt I could do I have spent the best part of 10 years trying to be a better person. I still run my mouth from time to time (as you all have seen on VT) but I also think I'm pretty good at putting my hand up and saying Ive been a dick.

I know I'll die still trying but I won't give up, I guess I just figured if there is one person in the world who would know how hard I try, would be my wife.

She also doesn't do apologies which doubles the problem. 

I get quite down when I act like this as I'm the type of person who you could quite easily dislike but if you get to know me I think I'm a pretty decent person.

She knows this but she won't approach me she will just hold out until I buckle and say it's all my fault. I'm in no mood to make such a concession at this point though.

I wish I was calm and rational and level headed but I'm me, for better or worse.

If it's any consolation I have known my wife over 30 years and she has never apologised once. 

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1 hour ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Does anyone else on here have something that their partner says that sets you right off.....

Anytime I tell me my wife anything she doesn't want to hear she tells me to grow up.... Sounds silly but she has said that many times that I can't take it.

We were seperated for 6 months last year but sorted it out and things have been really good for the last 5 months. 

Anyhow we just had a disagreement and as I walked off she said "grow up" and I just lost it!

Now I know I'm the wrong for losing my cool, but she promised she wouldn't say it anymore. I want to apologise for the way I spoke to her but I know she won't apologise or see anything wrong with what she did.

I'm a stepdad to her 2 kids and in these moments I feel really isolated as they obviously will gravitate towards her.

They're inside eating dinner and I'm out the back having a beer because I don't want to be anywhere near her. Unfortunately I'm not one of these awesome humans who are calm all the time. I wear my heart on my sleeve and show my raft of emotions (as you've probably seen through my VT posts 😂).

I know "grow up" is just two words but she literally says it everytime we argue as a way of dismissing me and my feelings.

Please, can someone rational thinking tell me if I'm being a massive bellend or do I have a point 😔

It partly depends on whether the thing you were doing that was annoying her was you being immature or not?

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35 minutes ago, HanoiVillan said:

It partly depends on whether the thing you were doing that was annoying her was you being immature or not?

Nope, I didn't even say one word of my sentence and she assumed what I was going to say. Which was the complete opposite of what I was going to say. I called BS and walked off (me trying not to lose my shit) as I walked off she said "grow up", then when I got upset and had a go at her she had a go at me for saying the sentence she assumed I was going to say but I NEVER ACTUALLY SAID ANYTHING 🤪

This is a common tactic with a lot of people. It goes like this

They get upset ...... You apologise

You get upset ....... They get upset ....... You apologise.

She knows damn well it's the truth too

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7 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Nope, I didn't even say one word of my sentence and she assumed what I was going to say. Which was the complete opposite of what I was going to say. I called BS and walked off (me trying not to lose my shit) as I walked off she said "grow up", then when I got upset and had a go at her she had a go at me for saying the sentence she assumed I was going to say but I NEVER ACTUALLY SAID ANYTHING 🤪

This is a common tactic with a lot of people. It goes like this

They get upset ...... You apologise

You get upset ....... They get upset ....... You apologise.

She knows damn well it's the truth too

In that case, I think you have a right to ask her not to say the phrase you've agreed she won't say.

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1 hour ago, Villan_of_oz said:

 

She also doesn't do apologies which doubles the problem. 

 

I really hate that too. People too stubborn to admit they were wrong.

I also despise people being in a mood in general. And I mean when someone is moody because of something you've done but they won't tell you what you've done. **** that. Cryptic word removed.

If something has upset you then talk about it, squash it and move on. I'm not into spending days arguing and moody because someone got pissed off that you answered a question in a weird way or some bullshit.

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11 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said:

 

They get upset ...... You apologise

You get upset ....... They get upset ....... You apologise.

 

An ex of mine used to do exactly this and I hated it. It used to absolutely infuriate me and she couldn't see why I'd get so annoyed.

If she was angry about something, she'd be moody and horrible and argumentative. And she'd excuse any behaviour because "she was upset" so basically it doesn't matter if she was horrible, she was upset so it's ok. 
Kind of annoyed me because I'm not wired that way, but whatever. I can understand it.

But if I was ever annoyed at anything, exactly what you said would happen. I'd say that something had pissed me off, then SHE would fly off the handle and get upset, and I'd end up having to apologise.

 

The message is basically "I can be upset and do whatever I want, but you're not allowed to get upset about anything"

 

I honestly class that as psychological abuse. Luckily for me it was a short relationship. But if you were stuck in a relationship like that it would drive you round the bend.

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1 minute ago, Stevo985 said:

An ex of mine used to do exactly this and I hated it. It used to absolutely infuriate me and she couldn't see why I'd get so annoyed.

If she was angry about something, she'd be moody and horrible and argumentative. And she'd excuse any behaviour because "she was upset" so basically it doesn't matter if she was horrible, she was upset so it's ok. 
Kind of annoyed me because I'm not wired that way, but whatever. I can understand it.

But if I was ever annoyed at anything, exactly what you said would happen. I'd say that something had pissed me off, then SHE would fly off the handle and get upset, and I'd end up having to apologise.

 

The message is basically "I can be upset and do whatever I want, but you're not allowed to get upset about anything"

 

I honestly class that as psychological abuse. Luckily for me it was a short relationship. But if you were stuck in a relationship like that it would drive you round the bend.

Yeah mate that's how it is and I'm married haha, but for the most part I love her and she is awesome. Just as long as I don't get upset about anything ....

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4 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

An ex of mine used to do exactly this and I hated it. It used to absolutely infuriate me and she couldn't see why I'd get so annoyed.

If she was angry about something, she'd be moody and horrible and argumentative. And she'd excuse any behaviour because "she was upset" so basically it doesn't matter if she was horrible, she was upset so it's ok. 
Kind of annoyed me because I'm not wired that way, but whatever. I can understand it.

But if I was ever annoyed at anything, exactly what you said would happen. I'd say that something had pissed me off, then SHE would fly off the handle and get upset, and I'd end up having to apologise.

 

The message is basically "I can be upset and do whatever I want, but you're not allowed to get upset about anything"

 

I honestly class that as psychological abuse. Luckily for me it was a short relationship. But if you were stuck in a relationship like that it would drive you round the bend.

Hormones. 

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3 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Yeah mate that's how it is and I'm married haha, but for the most part I love her and she is awesome. Just as long as I don't get upset about anything ....

They sound quite similar to be honest. She used to do the predictive thing as well.

In fact she'd just flat out lie.

 

Like I missed a call off her once because my phone was upstairs on charge. She kicked off and said I'd ignored her call and wouldn't accept the very simple explanation that my phone was upstairs.
I totally didn't get it. If she'd missed a call from me and gave me that explanation I'd have no reason not to believe it. I was like "why would I ignore you. I like you. I want to speak to you. there's no reason for me to ignore you!"

She wouldn't have it. and for weeks she'd throw it back at me "like that time you ignored my call!"

Literally just lying. Very weird behaviour

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3 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

Hormones. 

Probably. I guess that's why we (males) just don't "get it"

The whole being in a mood with someone just doesn't compute with me. I couldn't even do it if I wanted to. I don't understand being in a mood with someone for days because of one thing they did. It would never happen with me. And that's not trying to be a bigger person or anything, I just don't even think I could do it if I was trying.

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26 minutes ago, HanoiVillan said:

I understand the reasons why women don't like men talking about, or making jokes about, 'that time of the month' but it equally seems pointless to me to pretend that it has no effect on how women act when it very visibly does. 

Especially when it's often used as an excuse. "Oh sorry, I'm on my period so I'm just a bit moody"

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8 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

Especially when it's often used as an excuse. "Oh sorry, I'm on my period so I'm just a bit moody"

Never, ever heard that. Quite the opposite, in fact, total denial. Until looking back, post menopause, she now concedes it was a total nightmare. 

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1 hour ago, mjmooney said:

Hormones. 

image.png.b9d5dd6fb39573b900638d1edbfc1816.png

And these. I'm convinced they are a big part of perfectly good relationships going down the drain. Stuffing a hormone bomb into a person already dealing with mood-swings during menstrual cycles just can't be good

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10 hours ago, Seat68 said:

Calm down is a good one. No one ever calmed down by being told to calm down. 

My absolute ‘go to’ if I want to trigger someone.

Just after Christmas some woman pushed in front of my nipper to get in a lift. I blocked her and told her ‘calm down love, we’ll all be at the shops quick enough’.

My nipper later complimented me on the addition of ‘love’.

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9 hours ago, Stevo985 said:

An ex of mine used to do exactly this and I hated it. It used to absolutely infuriate me and she couldn't see why I'd get so annoyed.

If she was angry about something, she'd be moody and horrible and argumentative. And she'd excuse any behaviour because "she was upset" so basically it doesn't matter if she was horrible, she was upset so it's ok. 
Kind of annoyed me because I'm not wired that way, but whatever. I can understand it.

But if I was ever annoyed at anything, exactly what you said would happen. I'd say that something had pissed me off, then SHE would fly off the handle and get upset, and I'd end up having to apologise.

 

The message is basically "I can be upset and do whatever I want, but you're not allowed to get upset about anything"

 

I honestly class that as psychological abuse. Luckily for me it was a short relationship. But if you were stuck in a relationship like that it would drive you round the bend.

I've been in too many of those types of relationships. Maybe opposites attract but I always seem to attract the drama queen. Of course, the drama is well hidden to begin with but it soon manifests itself. I have a stressful enough job without having to tread on eggshells at home. Now I have a zero tolerance to behaviour like that. I read somewhere that a lot of women thrive on conflict, so even if everything is going well they will throw a shit test bomb in to mix things up. Must give them an endorphin rush!

 

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