Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[bobzy]

8 hours ago, MCU said:

Not to get too deep on you all (insert Kenneth.jpg here) on this Monday morning but how the hell do I end a 6 year relationship? Put simply, I'm no longer in love with this girl and the longer I drag it out the more unfair it is to both of us. On the flip side, she's like my best friend and has helped me through some real dark times during my life. Can't physically bring myself to do it. The messiness of it all, moving out etc. Absolutely shitting myself. 

Does she feel it too? I suppose... have you both been more snappy over little things, not making time for each other etc or is this very much a “you” thing?

I had a similar feeling with my last relationship (only other serious one, 8 years, first love, best friend etc) - things were just not the same around the flat. Got into a bit of rut routine-wise, but it was like the flame had gone and we were just living together as friends who argued more than they previously did.  It came up during conversations about her career as she was offered a job down south. We were both in the same boat, decided to end it and just stay good friends. It was pretty horrible but completely the right call. I remember sleeping in the spare bed and she came through that night in tears just wanting a hug.

8 years or so on and I’ve never been happier, completely in love and with 2 lovely daughters as well.  Only downside was that my ex and I were only really in touch for a year or so; very occasionally otherwise.  She’s gotten married and I’m really pleased that she’s found her happiness too. 

tl;dr - prob best to talk to her honestly about your feelings, as tough as it may be. Don’t go full barrel “I’m leaving”, just talk about it all first. 

[A'Villan]

On 27/11/2020 at 17:47, Mandy Lifeboats said:

I have a mixed up saying that is strangely accurate -  

Don’t cross the burning bridge until you get to it.  
 

In this circumstance it is pointless worrying how she took your news unless she wants to see you again.  
 

Your next goal should be to have a really good date and not mention “the thing”.  Show her it’s not something you will be talking about all the time.  Only talk about it if she asks. 

He who suffers before it is necessary, is he who suffers when it is not necessary.

Got three dates coming up in the next few weeks. Where focus goes, energy flows. My insecurities don't need to be offered a seat out our table.

[Mandy Lifeboats]

2 hours ago, A'Villan said:

 

Got three dates coming up in the next few weeks. Where focus goes, energy flows. My insecurities don't need to be offered a seat out our table.

Go on the dates and have a good time.  

[chrisp65]

Courtney Love, discussing Steve Coogan:

[Nicho]

Pretty sure my 9 year relationship is now over. 

Comforting to see that others have gone through the exact same thing, in the same way for the same reasons. @MCU @bobzy

Pretty gutted even though it’s been coming a mile off. But if anything you just get used to it. 

Not great to be doing it during lockdown. She has her own mental health struggles to get through which has been the catalyst of it to give her space.

I’ve moved out but still there every day to work and look after the dogs. 

[Genie]

7 hours ago, Nicho said:

Pretty sure my 9 year relationship is now over. 

Comforting to see that others have gone through the exact same thing, in the same way for the same reasons. @MCU @bobzy

Pretty gutted even though it’s been coming a mile off. But if anything you just get used to it. 

Not great to be doing it during lockdown. She has her own mental health struggles to get through which has been the catalyst of it to give her space.

I’ve moved out but still there every day to work and look after the dogs. 

Sorry to hear that mate but sounds like it’s for the best long term. Usual advice is still valid here, keep busy, roll your sleeves up and go again. Avoid mass hysteria. 

[TrentVilla]

1 hour ago, Genie said:

Sorry to hear that mate but sounds like it’s for the best long term. Usual advice is still valid here, keep busy, roll your sleeves up and go again. Avoid mass hysteria. 

If Steve Bruce gave relationship advice.... you forgot to say roll your sleeves up and have a right good go.... 

[StefanAVFC]

On 12/06/2015 at 14:36, StefanAVFC said:

So I woke up to a text from my girlfriend this morning having a go at me for cheating on her.

 

I did kiss 2 girls in Poland before we got together and posted about it on here.

 

She went onto VillaTalk and found out.

 

This was months ago, back when I knew 2 people in Poland and was bored out of my mind.

My finest moment hahahaha

[Genie]

12 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

My finest moment hahahaha

[StefanAVFC]

2 minutes ago, Genie said:

I meant more my gf at the time going onto VT, reading my posts and accusing me of cheating

[Mandy Lifeboats]

A true story in which names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Mrs Smith is looking through her husband’s phone and stumbles upon a picture of Mr Smith who is balls-deep in a young lady.  Mrs Smith gets a knife and stabs Mr Smith who is in bed.    Luckily she misses anything vital but still manages to deliver multiple stab wounds to his arms and legs.   He manages to take the knife away from her and a full and frank discussion takes place to ascertain what the hell is happening.   Mrs Smith directs him to the pictures of him with the skinny little jezebel. 

 It’s a picture of her taken 10 years,  and many cream doughnuts,  ago.    

[il_serpente]

On 02/02/2021 at 04:32, Mandy Lifeboats said:

A true story in which names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Mrs Smith is looking through her husband’s phone and stumbles upon a picture of Mr Smith who is balls-deep in a young lady.  Mrs Smith gets a knife and stabs Mr Smith who is in bed.    Luckily she misses anything vital but still manages to deliver multiple stab wounds to his arms and legs.   He manages to take the knife away from her and a full and frank discussion takes place to ascertain what the hell is happening.   Mrs Smith directs him to the pictures of him with the skinny little jezebel. 

 It’s a picture of her taken 10 years,  and many cream doughnuts,  ago.    

Did you need stitches?

[Dodgyknees]

So I’m doing another online date on zoom tomorrow. We know each other really well but I’m looking for inspiration for some fun and mad questions to ask. We are beyond zoom dates now and need more but can’t, but with zoom dates come the need for constant conversation and I am looking for any ideas for things to ask, deep questions, weird questions, what would you do questions. 
 

A normal date is easier as we want to go to each other’s house and watch films and stuff, but that’s not possible. We have been talking for nearly three months and because we have had to talk to each other we already know each other so well. So I’m just looking for inspiration, cheers guys

Edited February 5, 2021 by avfcDJ

[chrisp65]

Could you both make the same meal or snack at the same time?

Talk each other through it. That even allows moments of quiet whilst you concentrate on a process.

Stuff just comes from that, discussing a suggestive carrot or realising you’ll need to use coriander as you don’t have parsley, or whatever.

 

[Mark Albrighton]

22 minutes ago, avfcDJ said:

So I’m just looking for inspiration, cheers guys

Using a recent thread as a jumping off point, what about “never have I ever....”?

It’s simple enough, you don’t have to make it a drinking game, it can be you each have some chocolates or whatever and if you say “never have I ever...” and she has done it, you get to eat a choc.  Or whatever, make the rules how you want.

Probably worth letting her know a few hours beforehand so she can think of a few things. And it potentially uncovers a load of stuff about the other person that wouldn’t have naturally come up in conversation.

My initial thought was playing a game, but it’s limited as to what you could do, especially if you don’t both have the game. Homemade “battleship”?

[mjmooney]

1 hour ago, avfcDJ said:

So I’m doing another online date on zoom tomorrow. We know each other really well but I’m looking for inspiration for some fun and mad questions to ask

1. If two men of average height, working for 7.25 hours per day can fill a bath to 39% capacity, what would be the average weight of three men of similar age? Show your working. 

2. "The Congress of Vienna in1815 set Europe inevitably on the road to the revolutions of 1830 and 1848, and laid the groundwork for the European Union". Discuss, with particular reference to the role of Viscount Castlereagh. 

3. How many noses does a slug have? 

4. Do you spit, or swallow? 

 

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by mjmooney

[lapal_fan]

49 minutes ago, avfcDJ said:

So I’m doing another online date on zoom tomorrow. We know each other really well but I’m looking for inspiration for some fun and mad questions to ask. We are beyond zoom dates now and need more but can’t, but with zoom dates come the need for constant conversation and I am looking for any ideas for things to ask, deep questions, weird questions, what would you do questions. 
 

A normal date is easier as we want to go to each other’s house and watch films and stuff, but that’s not possible. We have been talking for nearly three months and because we have had to talk to each other we already know each other so well. So I’m just looking for inspiration, cheers guys

Hello!

Ok, easy start, get on Amazon and buy 2 broomstick handles and 3 blow up dolls.

Lash them (and yourself) together and BOOM! You're now part of a can-can girl dancing quartet.

That's your opening gambit down, so escape the clutches of the blow up dolls, making some not-so-subtle references as to what you're going to do with them later when you've put the phone down (mention anal, a lot.  This will let her know you love it when you get her cock up your arse when you finally meet).

Now, for the next part, maybe 15 minutes just slowly lap at the camera with your tongue.  Talking between licks, about different subjects like child poverty in Malaysia, child sex trafficking, children's working conditions in the salt mines of Bolivia, or the diamond mines in Africa.  Now, you've got to be careful here because that's some pretty shady shit to talk about with anyone, never mind someone you want to marry and die with, so again (and I can't emphasise this enough), just drop LOTS of anal sex dialogue in.  Make it ABUNDANTLY clear you like it when someone should just pop a finger or 10 in your jacksie.  

Ok, so you've got a nice flow going, you're both laughing and joking about turnips and national insurance, the regular type of stuff.  It's time to think about eating.

Now obviously, you can't each together.  To overcome this, just get some microwave macaroni cheese, microwave that for 3 mins on 900w, take out, peel back the plastic film carefully so as not to scold oneself on Steam, stir, replace the film and put it back in on high, for a further 2 mins.  Once this is completed, take it out the mic and just smash your stupid, fat Face right into it and scream like a whale would if it were being attacked by a flock of killer whales or the Japanese.  With the dense, thick, creamy cheese burning it's way through layer upon layer of your epidermis, you'll need to act quickly to get back on track, but this effort won't be lost on your lady, she'll be excited to see the improvement to your ugly mug, leave a ring of dried macaroni around each eye and make it look like a cool new pair of Louis Vuitton glasses.  Again, she'll think you take pride in your appearance.

Ask her what her favourite season of America's Top Model was.  When she answers, just throw your head back, laugh and just disagree (even if she gets the right one (season 3)).  

Ask her what her favourite place to travel to is.  Again, just laugh at her answer and say condescending things like "that's stupid" to infer dominance.

For pudding, get your favourite ski yogurt, eat it relatively quickly before saying "that didn't taste right.." before checking the lid for the expiration date, acting very worried and yelling "1963?!  I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY MADE SKI YOGURTS IN 1963!!! HOW DOES THE PACKAGING LOOK LIKE IT USES FAIRLY MODERN MASS PRODUCTION TECHNIQUES FOR LID SEALMENT, RATHER THAN ANTIQUATED THINGS LIKE AGENT ORANGE AND THE DANUBE RIVER TO GLUE THE LID ON?!" (This is factually wrong, but she'll be impressed you've had a go).

Go and clean up.  Just leave without saying anything and come back when you're done cleaning and tidying up, it'll take about 12-18 mins to do a half decent job, but cleanliness is next to godliness and she will like the self respect, she can wait.

After dinner chatter can include things like flash cards with your favourite Neighbours actors, Japanese wrestlers in the 1980s, Brazilian dancing or coronation Street.

When it comes to 12, stop whatever you're doing and say "I've got to go, see you next time" and run away from the camera.  When doing so, trip over and leave behind a glass espadrille (you'll have bought one of these alongside the blow up dolls earlier from Amazon).  

Post the other glass espadrille to her with an alluring message, explaining how much you enjoyed the ending of ratatouille, but that you probably wouldn't eat at the restaurant knowing it's ran by a rat. That you'd like to do this again sometime, alongside a microwave packet of mac and cheese and a deflated blow up doll and a P.S saying how despite all of the silliness, you'd really like at least a finger up your shit pipe when she's de-sperming your nutsack.

Your Pal, 

Lap

[Xela]

Liked for the use of 'gambit' and 'espadrille' 

[Dodgyknees]

When I see @lapal_fanhas commented, I automatically know it’s going to me mad as **** but hilarious too

mate

Edited February 6, 2021 by avfcDJ

[Dodgyknees]

1 hour ago, mjmooney said:

1. If two men of average height, working for 7.25 hours per day can fill a bath to 39% capacity, what would be the average weight of three men of similar age? Show your working. 

2. "The Congress of Vienna in1815 set Europe inevitably on the road to the revolutions of 1830 and 1848, and laid the groundwork for the European Union". Discuss, with particular reference to the role of Viscount Castlereagh. 

3. How many noses does a slug have? 

4. Do you spit, or swallow? 

 

 

I know the answer to number 4