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Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread


irreverentad

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23 hours ago, mottaloo said:

Wonder if @leemond2008 is ok and if he took any of our sage advice ? (possibly excluding the DHUTWU part !)

Yeah I'm all good mate, I've taken a bit of a back seat, we are still talking most days or nights but I haven't seen her for a few weeks, going round this weekend though so I'm just gunna see how things pan out.

I feel like I'm in a better headspace now than when I first posted about the whole situation.

So in answer to your question no, at present I have not DHUTWU

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  • 3 months later...

 

3 hours ago, A'Villan said:

I guess I'd like to know if and how I should follow up with her, or if anyone thinks they may have some insight that's honest and may help going forward.

Keep it simple. Contact her and say "I really enjoyed our last meet up.  Do you want to arrange another?"  

Cross that hurdle before trying to think further ahead. 

 

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1 minute ago, Mandy Lifeboats said:

 

Keep it simple. Contact her and say "I really enjoyed our last meet up.  I’ve removed the camera from the ladies wc"  

Cross that hurdle before trying to think further ahead. 

 

 

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Well she called first thing in the morning and told me not to worry. 

@Mandy Lifeboats Thanks for the wisdom. Sincerely.

A friend reassured me that as it's early on in the piece it can be angsty as we don't know each other well, and to give her time to process what I told her.

You're both right, and this why people are the best. If I didn't get honest feedback I'd be right back up poo creek without a paddle.

I don't really like to pathologize people, let alone myself, but I do have a diagnosis, and my shrink warned that when I put myself out there again, some unpleasant thought processes may return. She knows about it at surface level as I've mentioned it to her, and I've told her when those thoughts have come up. She's kind about it. I wasn't necessarily expecting her to be either. I really wasn't expecting her to be kind about what I told her before I left, but it's me. Turns out she's going to be kind about that too.

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I have a mixed up saying that is strangely accurate -  

Don’t cross the burning bridge until you get to it.  
 

In this circumstance it is pointless worrying how she took your news unless she wants to see you again.  
 

Your next goal should be to have a really good date and not mention “the thing”.  Show her it’s not something you will be talking about all the time.  Only talk about it if she asks. 

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On 27/11/2020 at 18:00, Genie said:

She probably has some skeletons in her closet to come out at some point. I’d let things run a bit further before dragging heavy stuff out.

Oh, some of that came out in the four hours we spent talking together on the first date. And I agree. I've told her I want to focus on now and what's ahead than what we've left behind.

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On 27/11/2020 at 17:47, Mandy Lifeboats said:

I have a mixed up saying that is strangely accurate -  

Don’t cross the burning bridge until you get to it.  
 

In this circumstance it is pointless worrying how she took your news unless she wants to see you again.  
 

Your next goal should be to have a really good date and not mention “the thing”.  Show her it’s not something you will be talking about all the time.  Only talk about it if she asks. 

Again, may seem simple to you, for me this is sage wisdom.

One thing that's different this time around, is I understand that you can't deny a change of heart. Which once made me emotional, now makes me determined to be at my best.

No hard feelings.

Thanks again VT.

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  • 1 month later...

Not to get too deep on you all (insert Kenneth.jpg here) on this Monday morning but how the hell do I end a 6 year relationship? Put simply, I'm no longer in love with this girl and the longer I drag it out the more unfair it is to both of us. On the flip side, she's like my best friend and has helped me through some real dark times during my life. Can't physically bring myself to do it. The messiness of it all, moving out etc. Absolutely shitting myself. 

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5 hours ago, MCU said:

Not to get too deep on you all (insert Kenneth.jpg here) on this Monday morning but how the hell do I end a 6 year relationship? Put simply, I'm no longer in love with this girl and the longer I drag it out the more unfair it is to both of us. On the flip side, she's like my best friend and has helped me through some real dark times during my life. Can't physically bring myself to do it. The messiness of it all, moving out etc. Absolutely shitting myself. 

Could it be that you no longer 'lust' her, but still 'love' her.  

After 6 years, its not going to be a burning desire, but a more deeper understanding type of love. 

Sounds like you are both really close, calling her your best friend. Isn't that a type of love in itself? 

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42 minutes ago, ender4 said:

Could it be that you no longer 'lust' her, but still 'love' her.  

After 6 years, its not going to be a burning desire, but a more deeper understanding type of love. 

Sounds like you are both really close, calling her your best friend. Isn't that a type of love in itself? 

I’ve questioned this over and over in my head. Truth is, I’ve been feeling like this for a while now but haven’t had the backbone to pull the trigger. I just can’t see myself marrying/having kids with her and to me that should be enough to end it - for both our sakes.

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5 minutes ago, MCU said:

I’ve questioned this over and over in my head. Truth is, I’ve been feeling like this for a while now but haven’t had the backbone to pull the trigger. I just can’t see myself marrying/having kids with her and to me that should be enough to end it - for both our sakes.

Just to address the practicalities, does she have somewhere else to live? Or do you? Would either or both of you need to leave the area, get removals men, or anything like that?

I think you're right that you should end this relationship for both your sakes if you aren't in love with her any more, but if you've kept going for this long, a few weeks to get through the next lockdown might be more practical.

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17 minutes ago, MCU said:

I’ve questioned this over and over in my head. Truth is, I’ve been feeling like this for a while now but haven’t had the backbone to pull the trigger. I just can’t see myself marrying/having kids with her and to me that should be enough to end it - for both our sakes.

Get it done before Lockdown 3, else you’ll be living with her for another 6 months!

joking aside, honesty is the best policy so talk it through with her. 

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16 minutes ago, HanoiVillan said:

Just to address the practicalities, does she have somewhere else to live? Or do you? Would either or both of you need to leave the area, get removals men, or anything like that?

I think you're right that you should end this relationship for both your sakes if you aren't in love with her any more, but if you've kept going for this long, a few weeks to get through the next lockdown might be more practical.

I would have agreed about waiting but then I’d be lying to myself. Felt like utter shit today waiting for her to get home. 
In regards to someone moving out, there’s 2 options really... she can move back with her parents (small room, not sure how she’s gonna move all her stuff back) or me move back into my parents empty house until I find other arrangements. The lease is up on our rented flat next month anyway. We were going to continue it. 

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