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Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread


irreverentad

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It's an interesting situation, isn't it?

A discussion about women looking for a date being bombarded with male dick pics, something almost universally unwelcome but that still happens all the time, has morphed into a chat about how welcome men would feel about getting sent random pictures of a woman's genitalia, something which happens almost never.

I think I see an issue, here.

🤷‍♂️

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If a woman sends nudey pics early doors on a dating site, it’s fairly certain you’re getting catfished. 
I say this from (grim) personal experience. 

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I just watched an episode of naked attraction for the first time ever.

The biggest wtf I found was them asking for people to apply to go on?!  

And a scotch woman was mental! 

 

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2 hours ago, HanoiVillan said:

I've got to say, if a woman sent me a picture of her genitalia as part of an initial contact on an app, I would think she was an idiot and it would be a massive red flag.

Eurgh, she could have waited a few days.

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  • 1 month later...
On 19/08/2019 at 12:36, StefanAVFC said:

Cross-posting from TTPYOBS as band t-shirt discussion took over :D

I moved to Poland 4/5 years ago, mostly because I came to visit a friend here, who had met a girl and was staying. I liked the lifestyle, hated my job in the UK and thought '**** it, why not?' Years later I'm still here. Me and this guy were mates before, but not super close. Now, after these years, I'd say the guy is comfortably my best mate.

Fast forward to now, and he's engaged and he's getting married next June. 

We spend a lot of time hanging out, and he alluded to (neither of us can 100% say whether he said definitively) me being his Best Man. My feeling was strong enough that I was planning the Stag, speech whatever. We've talked about it 5/6 times easily.

Last week, he pings me on Messenger and tells me his best man will be some guy from the UK that I've never heard him mention nor talk about, basically because 'it would be weird and would upset people if I didn't go with someone from this group'. Context, he has a group of mates from his High School days that he sees once a year when they all come to Poland together and this one guy organises the trip. That's all of the reasoning he gave me.

I'm hurt more than anything, but also pissed off at his logic. For me, a Best Man should be there to help and organise things to take stress away from the couple. How can this guy do that when he's in another country? He's also talking about removing the speech due to logistics (Polish/English) where when we talked about me being Best Man, I said I'd do it in both languages. In the same conversation he broke this news to me, he was asking for my help with the Stag. I was, perhaps unfairly, blunt and told him to discuss it with his Best Man. 

In addition, I've always tried to support him with his relationship. Him and his fiancee have been together for 5 years and still don't live together because both sets of parents don't approve of living together before marriage. I've both him how batshit crazy this is (they're 27 and 24 ffs) and he always palms me off. I don't think he's making a mistake getting married to her, but he's taking a huge risk with this living together thing. Being a best friend isn't just pandering and saying he's right.

Also, he's been telling me things about the wedding. His fiancee wants a fully Polish wedding, rather than bits from both cultures. That would be fine, but he's upsetting his parents by doing this as they won't sit on the top table with the couple. Apparently her parents would find it 'weird', so that's that, both sets of parents will sit at random tables. One example, but stupid and he's rolling over. I've, again, told him to stand up to her as this could be his only wedding day and he's letting her 100% have her way, to the detriment of his, and his parents' happiness.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I'm hurt by the whole situation and I think he's making some big mistakes.

It was the wedding last weekend. Everything was behind us regarding the above, I was over it. Met the best man the night before the wedding, really nice guy. Was really looking forward to celebrating the biggest day of my one of my best mate's life. 

Church everything good, get to the venue and me and my mrs are with our mutual friend with a load of the bride's friends, furthest away from the top table. I'm planning a wedding, i know how hard it is to plan tables. But we were very much the leftover table.

The overall wedding, the first time he comes to me at the party is 2:30 am.  He doesn't say a word to my partner. I thought that as (I thought) close friends, we'd share a drink toasting his future and his wedding, but he never came over. Even this one meeting was just 15 seconds as he was saying goodbye to other guests. I said something like 'nice to see you mate' and he said something about not wanting to leave his parents alone. Both his sisters were there, and our table was next to the bar where he spent easily 30 mins doing shots with other guests. Also it wasn't a huge wedding, about 65 people. 

I obviously know that weddings are 100% about the bride and groom, and they're busy, it's obviously not about me and can't spent tonnes of time with every guest but it's incredibly sad to go from apparent best man material to totally ignored. I mean 1 minute minute have a toast with one of my best mates at his wedding. That would have been enough. 

He is the reason I moved to Poland, I hold a lot of sentiment in this friendship but clearly something isn't right, and that's okay. Friendships fizzle out. Just very depressing to have it apparently ended in such a circumstance. 

Edited by StefanAVFC
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38 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

It was the wedding last weekend. Everything was behind us regarding the above, I was over it. Met the best man the night before the wedding, really nice guy. Was really looking forward to celebrating the biggest day of my one of my best mate's life. 

Church everything good, get to the venue and me and my mrs are with our mutual friend with a load of the bride's friends, furthest away from the top table. I'm planning a wedding, i know how hard it is to plan tables. But we were very much the leftover table.

The overall wedding, the first time he comes to me at the party is 2:30 am.  He doesn't say a word to my partner. I thought that as (I thought) close friends, we'd share a drink toasting his future and his wedding, but he never came over. Even this one meeting was just 15 seconds as he was saying goodbye to other guests. I said something like 'nice to see you mate' and he said something about not wanting to leave his parents alone. Both his sisters were there, and our table was next to the bar where he spent easily 30 mins doing shots with other guests. Also it wasn't a huge wedding, about 65 people. 

I obviously know that weddings are 100% about the bride and groom, and they're busy, it's obviously not about me and can't spent tonnes of time with every guest but it's incredibly sad to go from apparent best man material to totally ignored. I mean 1 minute minute have a toast with one of my best mates at his wedding. That would have been enough. 

He is the reason I moved to Poland, I hold a lot of sentiment in this friendship but clearly something isn't right, and that's okay. Friendships fizzle out. Just very depressing to have it apparently ended in such a circumstance. 

Have you spoken to him since?

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4 minutes ago, bobzy said:

 

Have you spoken to him since?

Nope. Im not sure what there is to say. It was his wedding, he has every right to do what he wants with whoever. 

I don't want to be dramatic or problematic. 

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It’s like every wedding I’ve ever been to. The couple spend months and months, and a shit load of money on a “special” day. 
Then the guests moan about the food, or waiting, or the price of the drinks, or the distance between the church and the reception, or that they didn’t get good seats or time with the couple (not a dig at you @StefanAVFC, just something that seems to come up a lot).

It’s why we got married abroad with only close family invited. 

I guarantee you’ll bust your balls trying to make everyone happy at your wedding and behind your back they’ll find things to moan about.

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1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said:

It was the wedding last weekend. Everything was behind us regarding the above, I was over it. Met the best man the night before the wedding, really nice guy. Was really looking forward to celebrating the biggest day of my one of my best mate's life. 

Church everything good, get to the venue and me and my mrs are with our mutual friend with a load of the bride's friends, furthest away from the top table. I'm planning a wedding, i know how hard it is to plan tables. But we were very much the leftover table.

The overall wedding, the first time he comes to me at the party is 2:30 am.  He doesn't say a word to my partner. I thought that as (I thought) close friends, we'd share a drink toasting his future and his wedding, but he never came over. Even this one meeting was just 15 seconds as he was saying goodbye to other guests. I said something like 'nice to see you mate' and he said something about not wanting to leave his parents alone. Both his sisters were there, and our table was next to the bar where he spent easily 30 mins doing shots with other guests. Also it wasn't a huge wedding, about 65 people. 

I obviously know that weddings are 100% about the bride and groom, and they're busy, it's obviously not about me and can't spent tonnes of time with every guest but it's incredibly sad to go from apparent best man material to totally ignored. I mean 1 minute minute have a toast with one of my best mates at his wedding. That would have been enough. 

He is the reason I moved to Poland, I hold a lot of sentiment in this friendship but clearly something isn't right, and that's okay. Friendships fizzle out. Just very depressing to have it apparently ended in such a circumstance. 

That’s sad man, and you’ve got every right to be annoyed. I’d speak to him and tell him how it’s made you feel, there’s a chance he might have been oblivious to it and be gutted that he left you out like that. If not, then at least you know where you stand. 

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22 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

Nope. Im not sure what there is to say. It was his wedding, he has every right to do what he wants with whoever. 

I don't want to be dramatic or problematic. 

I might sound glib, but he definitely didn’t read your post from a couple of years ago did he? Not that anything you wrote was wrong, but you know how people get.

More from secondary, anecdotal evidence rather than my own first hand experience, I have the impression it’s not uncommon for friends to essentially stop being matey once they’ve got married (or had a kid). 

And I don’t mean it in the sense that “Oh his missus never lets him out...”. I mean the number of times I hear people tell me that since they’ve got married or one of their friends have got married, they pretty much changed completely and never saw them again. Like the wedding somehow acted as a full stop to the friendship.

 

If it was me, I’d give him a month or so, then drop him a text, ask how married life’s treating him and his wife and ask him if he fancies going for a beer. See if/how he responds and go from there. It sounds like you’re resigned to the friendship essentially ending, so if you give him a chance but anticipate and brace yourself for receiving an unenthusiastic response, you can at least know that you tried.

For what it’s worth (and I acknowledge it’s easy for me to say this and if I was in the same position and receiving the same advice I wouldn’t want to hear it) but I think if he HAS checked out of the friendship, then move on. He was a good mate, he’s not anymore.

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2 minutes ago, Genie said:

It’s like every wedding I’ve ever been to. The couple spend months and months, and a shit load of money on a “special” day. 
Then the guests moan about the food, or waiting, or the price of the drinks, or the distance between the church and the reception, or that they didn’t get good seats or time with the couple (not a dig at you @StefanAVFC, just something that seems to come up a lot).

It’s why we got married abroad with only close family invited. 

I guarantee you’ll bust your balls trying to make everyone happy at your wedding and behind your back they’ll find things to moan about.

I have this thought too but on the other hand, if he'd taken 1 minute out of the 30 or more he was 5m from me drinking with everyone else, I wouldn't have written this post. 

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1 minute ago, StefanAVFC said:

I have this thought too but on the other hand, if he'd taken 1 minute out of the 30 or more he was 5m from me drinking with everyone else, I wouldn't have written this post. 

Maybe something in it, a friend of a friend might have said something and it’s taken out of context and he’s being a bit off with you. 
Could just ask him how it’s going and that you were a bit gutted he didn’t have more time to catch up. Opens the door for him if he wants to get something off his chest.

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5 minutes ago, Mark Albrighton said:

I might sound glib, but he definitely didn’t read your post from a couple of years ago did he? Not that anything you wrote was wrong, but you know how people get.

If it was me, I’d give him a month or so, then drop him a text, ask how married life’s treating him and his wife and ask him if he fancies going for a beer. 

For what it’s worth (and I acknowledge it’s easy for me to say this and if I was in the same position and receiving the same advice I wouldn’t want to hear it) but I think if he HAS checked out of the friendship, then move on. He was a good mate, he’s not anymore.

Could have happened. He's not on here but he knows I am and he's a villa fan.

2nd para, we talk regularly as a group on WhatsApp. I moved 200km away around 2 years ago and since then there's been no drive from his side to meet up. Last time we met, I was the one pushing it and even got an air bnb for everyone to hang out even though he has a house with many spare rooms. I just get the feeling this friendship was convenient because we were young lads both living in a different country and now we're both settled and I have a huge sentiment for him due to my moving here but without me his life would go the same. 

3rd para, it's my stag next month and he's invited and then my wedding in September. After that, I won't be the one reaching out anymore and we'll see whether he makes any effort. 

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5 minutes ago, Genie said:


Could just ask him how it’s going and that you were a bit gutted he didn’t have more time to catch up. Opens the door for him if he wants to get something off his chest.

He's the kind of bloke that says 'talking about feeling is what girls do'

I don't want to come across as a drama queen. 

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5 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

Could have happened. He's not on here but he knows I am and he's a villa fan.

2nd para, we talk regularly as a group on WhatsApp. I moved 200km away around 2 years ago and since then there's been no drive from his side to meet up. Last time we met, I was the one pushing it and even got an air bnb for everyone to hang out even though he has a house with many spare rooms. I just get the feeling this friendship was convenient because we were young lads both living in a different country and now we're both settled and I have a huge sentiment for him due to my moving here but without me his life would go the same. 

3rd para, it's my stag next month and he's invited and then my wedding in September. After that, I won't be the one reaching out anymore and we'll see whether he makes any effort. 

It sounds like you’ve got a handle on the (likely) way things look like they’ll pan out anyway, which is positive. 

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22 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

He's the kind of bloke that says 'talking about feeling is what girls do'

I don't want to come across as a drama queen. 

My best man turned down my request to be my best man as he wasnt good with public speaking. Regardless, this was my mate since 5 years old. He introduced me to my now wife. We were like brothers. Then about 10 years ago we drifted. He was always cancelling plans, he was always a bullshitter but it went up a notch. I weighed it up and decided it was time to cut him free. I haven’t missed him. 

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I think sometimes friendships just cease to be. No reason for it, but circumstances change and people drift. 

Funnily enough I was thinking about a good mate I used to have. Or still have? I'm not sure. Is he still a mate? I've not really spoken to him in 5 or 6 years but for a 7 or 8 year spell in the early 2000's, we we were best buddies. We met when we were both temping at the same place. Connected straight away and we were best pals in a matter of weeks. similar age and outlook on life. We were always out boozing and getting into scrapes and chatting up women in bars/clubs. We went to Amsterdam a few times, Krakow, Berlin, Prague, Thailand, and others and had some memorable times. I'd be at his house most weekends. He rented with his brother and another lad, while I still lived at home with my parents. It was like Men Behaving Badly! I think we spent about 7 NYE's together... house parties, clubs, superclubs etc. We'd always meet up after work in Brum (we'd both moved into permanent jobs at different places then but both based in the city centre) and drink until closing time. Loving life at the time, as you do in your 20's

After we got back from Thailand in around 2008, he met a woman on a night out and went serious with her. She was lovely we got on fine but the friendship started to slip then. He was doing couple's stuff and doing dinner parties with her coupled up friends. We'd still meet up every now and again but less and less over a number of years. I went on his stag a couple of years later - had a great night and went to the wedding shortly after. I wasn't best man... he chose someone else, who was part of his new friend circle. It didn't bother me as we'd drifted by that point. Since the wedding I haven't seen him. We chatted a lot on the day of the wedding and the party afterwards but I remember thinking at the time it was probably the end of an era for our friendship. I know he's had at least one kid since but we've not messaged in years. Not even at Christmas. 

He's still in my phonebook and he was active on Whatsapp 10 mins ago so its the right number still. Do I message him? What do I say? Our lives are different now. Maybe the past is best left there. 

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I think we all have our own story of past mates. Mine follows yours @Xela, best pal since we were in our 20's got to late 30's and we both have Mrs, but he was always the player even while with his Mrs. She as good as stopped him seeing me as when he used to get found out with another girl, (never slept with any mind), he used to blame me and say I was the bad influence, even though it was the other way around. I was with a great girl at the time, so would never stray, but he always wanted to go up town on his nights off the Mrs, roll in 1500 in the morning and say, "he kept me out again". Very annoying. Hardly see him now he's married with a couple of kids. His Mrs is a teacher, so he likes to hang about with the "well off" groups, thinking he's one of the rich boys.

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A common theme in this is a lack of effort, anxiety of how you'll come across if you say something etc.

@Xela - if you are bothered about him, and just want to see how he's doing just message him - what's the worst that could happen?  He'd ignore it?  Nothing gained, nothing lost - but you'll have still lived through those cool times.  If he replies then that's great too - hope you can have a good chat and catch up.

The only constant in this life is change - people come and go, even if some of those people are long time friends/buddies.  Lives and commitments change A LOT when you get your partners and even more when you have kids.

I feel like a lousy friend sometimes for not organising things with my friends, but I've got 2 kids under 7, Monday is swimming, Tuesday I play football, Wednesday is a free night, Thursday is beavers for my 6 year old and Friday is cricket, Saturday morning is football - it's mental, honestly. 

It takes me weeks to plan something and I'll maybe have a proper "friends" night out once or twice a year.. It feels

I love my friends and I LOVE seeing them, but I've got two other little friends to play with now :) and they've got to come first.

I'm sure if you reach out to him, that'll be a nice thing for him, as much as it'll be as nice for you.

Don't worry! :thumb: 

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