Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[mjmooney]

45 minutes ago, El Zen said:

Considerably closer to the latter.

(Just not my brother.) 

My life is in totalt ruins, tbh. I have no idea what to do. 

Ah, shit, sorry for my flippant reply. 

I can only agree with the other posters. You have kids, don't split up your family. It's going to take a considerable time to repair, but it can be done. One day at a time. 

[El Zen]

1 minute ago, mjmooney said:

Ah, shit, sorry for my flippant reply. 

I can only agree with the other posters. You have kids, don't split up your family. It's going to take a considerable time to repair, but it can be done. One day at a time. 

No worries.

[Davkaus]

I'm sorry for asking this when it's so raw, but it'd be the thing really bothering me - did this definitely just happen the once, when was it, and how sure are you the kids are yours?

I'm not sure I'd ever be able to recover the trust, to be honest, you need to be there for your kid, but it's no reason to try to force a relationship. If you can work through it, and you want to when this is less fresh and devastating, cool, but I was brought up in a home with parents who basically hated each other but stuck together "for the kids" and it does nobody any good.

[Davkaus]

44 minutes ago, El Zen said:

I’m not sure if I should even talk about this. It’s extremely humiliating to type out all of this

I understand you feeling this way, but she's the one who should feel ashamed and humiliated for being willing to throw away her marriage and family for the sake of a shag. Not you, you aren't the one that's put your family in this position.

[a m ole]

You need to prioritise yourself and your kids here.

Ask yourself if you think staying in a relationship with someone you don’t love is good for your children. Many kids grow up with separated parents, and if the parents act like adults and have a good non-romantic relationship they do just fine. Especially when they’re younger.

Forgiveness is good - you can give forgiveness and not stay with someone you don’t trust or love anymore.

[bobzy]

16 minutes ago, WhatAboutTheFinish said:

I'm working off limited info here but for what limited worth my opinion holds...here it is!

If she slept with someone once (drunk or at a work event etc) and immediately regretted it and tried to cover it up. My advice is to suck it up (even if its painful) and try to get over it. Particularly if all has been well between you since. People make mistakes, if you love her you can forgive her. The lies may well have been what she deemed the best course of action to protect you from the hurt as much as herself.

If on the other hand she was involved in some huge long standing affair (months or years) behind your back, this may be a bigger problem as it reveals more about her true character. You have to ask yourself if this is really the type of person you want to be with.

Finally, and this may be contrary to to other advice. Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Don't use the kids as a screen or reasoning for your decision making. Long term, what is best for you, will be best for the kids. 

It's basically this - and I appreciate that you may well not wish to type out all the detail @El Zen, but without knowing more it's pretty hard to give "advice" as such.  You've got to do what is best for you, though, because (as @WhatAboutTheFinish says) that will impact on the other relationships involved here.  It's obviously very raw so you won't be in a position to reasonably process everything just yet.  Try your best to be "normal" around your child though.

Out of interest, why was it confirmed last night?  How did that situation arise?  (Again, if you don't want to go into it...)

[El Zen]

@bobzy see above ^^

[Davkaus]

1 minute ago, El Zen said:

It wasn’t just the one time, it was twice over the course of a couple of years. Former colleague. Plus a lot of emotional infedelity in between, and smaller stuff like kissing. 

The live kid is mine, you can tell from a mile away, and from way before any of this anyway. The recently conceived one is also very likely mine,  she absolutely swears it and we’ve actually been in a very good place for a while now, before all this blew up after the other guy’s wife found out what happened, and basically forced my wife to come clean to me.  

The fact she was forced to tell you, and denied it when confronted until she was forced to tell the truth makes me question how much of the truth she's told you, depending on how honest the other guy has been with his wife. And even if it was "just" twice, she clearly wasn't feeling very guilty about the first occasion when she had years to reflect on it, and did it again. It sounds like she regrets that she got caught, not that she did it.

If it were me, I'd want a paternity test before being on the birth certificate for the next child.

[Davkaus]

Just now, El Zen said:

I appreciate the input and totally see what you’re saying. It’s a complete mess. 

I know my posts were pretty blunt, but I do think it's worth hearing that side and not just the view of trying to move on and fix it.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can move past this and I'm sure you'll carry on looking out for your kids. There's no right answer in a shitshow like this, but you'll get through it.

[Tegis]

Christ what a mess, I'm so sorry @El Zen  

Just make sure to do the things that makes sense for YOU!

[StefanAVFC]

9 minutes ago, El Zen said:

It wasn’t just the one time, it was twice over the course of a couple of years. Last in 2019. Former colleague. Plus a lot of emotional infedelity in between, and smaller stuff like kissing after that, but not for the last year and a half.

That's not a stupid mistake. It's a pattern of behaviour. It's very raw, and I don't want to tell you what to do, but this would be it for me. How can it be recovered? Staying together for the kids could be a disaster. Kids aren't dumb, they'll see something is wrong with mummy and daddy.

Edited March 8, 2022 by StefanAVFC

[bobzy]

1 minute ago, Davkaus said:

The fact she was forced to tell you, and denied it when confronted until she was forced to tell the truth makes me question how much of the truth she's told you, depending on how honest the other guy has been with his wife. And even if it was "just" twice, she clearly wasn't feeling very guilty about the first occasion when she had years to reflect on it, and did it again. It sounds like she regrets that she got caught, not that she did it.

I don't know about this.  It's human nature to try and bury bad things (and obviously cheating on your husband/wife is a "bad thing") - and a big part of this is often not wanting to hurt those you love over things that, to you, have little consequence.  I don't mean this consequence part flippantly, but if, in her mind, this was very much a blip and something that has completely ended then admitting it all to your partner has very little reward and very massive harm.  You're basically just opening up the entire relationship to trust issues.  Of course, she hasn't managed to avoid this so trust issues (I imagine) will be the biggest thing going forward.

I'm not sure this means that she doesn't regret it, though.

[Davkaus]

1 minute ago, bobzy said:

I don't know about this.  It's human nature to try and bury bad things (and obviously cheating on your husband/wife is a "bad thing") - and a big part of this is often not wanting to hurt those you love over things that, to you, have little consequence.  I don't mean this consequence part flippantly, but if, in her mind, this was very much a blip and something that has completely ended then admitting it all to your partner has very little reward and very massive harm.  You're basically just opening up the entire relationship to trust issues.  Of course, she hasn't managed to avoid this so trust issues (I imagine) will be the biggest thing going forward.

I'm not sure this means that she doesn't regret it, though.

I could kind of see this if it was a one off mistake, that she massively regretted, not wanting to ruin things...But then she did it again. And it sounds like there was other stuff going on between the shagging as well.  That doesn't sound like the behaviour of a woman who really regretted it.

We only have one side of the story, so maybe you're right, we're all filling in the gaps based on our prejudices I guess, but for me, maybe I could get over a drunken one off mistake, this sounds way over that line and I'd just be done.

[Follyfoot]

13 minutes ago, El Zen said:

It wasn’t just the one time, it was twice over the course of a couple of years. Last in 2019. Former colleague. Plus a lot of emotional infedelity in between, and smaller stuff like kissing after that, but not for the last year and a half.

The live kid is mine, you can tell from a mile away, and from way before any of this anyway. The recently conceived one is also very likely mine,  she absolutely swears it and we’ve actually been in a very good place for a while now, before all this blew up after the other guy’s wife found out what happened, and basically forced my wife to come clean to me.  

This is going to sound harsh but **** her off. It will happen again, many many moons ago I forgave and got hurt even more when she needed a bit of a thrill. Not worth the effort. I feel for the kids but you only get one crack at this 

[Ingram85]

Sorry to hear about all this chap. I hope you are ok and hope your kid is ok. I can’t give you advice I can only say what I would do based on the info you’ve shared. I would never be able to get over something like that, it would be over for me and I’d never be able to look her in the eyes again as a partner.

As for staying together for the kids, nah, never understood it. You can both be parents working together but you don’t need to be together to do that. But as far as being with her? Nope, it’s a stone cold love/relationship killer there and then. It would hurt like crazy for ages as it’s someone you love who you never thought would betray you like that. But over time that feeling of love will fade and you’ll fall in love with someone else more deserving and the hurt and anger turns into pity. Nope, out of there for me personally. Life moves on and so will you despite your brain telling you you won’t for the foreseeable. 

Most importantly though, I wish you well chap, take some time for just yourself to process all this and take some time with just you and your kid. You need to be away from her for a bit. 

Edited March 8, 2022 by Ingram85

[bobzy]

4 minutes ago, Davkaus said:

I could kind of see this if it was a one off mistake, that she massively regretted, not wanting to ruin things...But then she did it again. And it sounds like there was other stuff going on between the shagging as well.  That doesn't sound like the behaviour of a woman who really regretted it.

We only have one side of the story, so maybe you're right, we're all filling in the gaps based on our prejudices I guess, but for me, maybe I could get over a drunken one off mistake, this sounds way over that line and I'd just be done.

Which is interesting.  Having never (knowingly) been in this type of situation, there's a part of me that wonders if a more emotional cheating is a less-worse cheating than just drunken shagging.  The former shows that some element of care/fondness is required whereas the latter is basically that your partner can't control themselves/doesn't care.

 

Edit:  In any case, the major thing for me would be trust.  I imagine you could forgive, but I think getting trust back would be very hard.

Edited March 8, 2022 by bobzy

[StefanAVFC]

2 minutes ago, bobzy said:

The former shows that some element of care/fondness is required whereas the latter is basically that your partner can't control themselves/doesn't care.

But doesn't emotional both show that they can't control themselves and that they're not 100% about their partner due to developing feelings for someone else.

[tinker]

People make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes . Whatever you do take your time and don't rush into anything. The decisions you make now will last a lifetime.

This problem can only be resolved between you two, no-one else knows what you have or haven't got between you and how close you really are. The problem with relationships is that things change and if you don't change together the problems start.

Why did she cheat, what reason? Does that 'reason' still exist. 

I feel for you but life will move on and in time whatever you decide this trauma will fade.  

 

[bobzy]

2 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

But doesn't emotional both show that they can't control themselves and that they're not 100% about their partner due to developing feelings for someone else.

I don't think it shows a lack of control as such.  It's acting on something that, morally, you shouldn't be acting on at all but is based on having developed feelings for someone else.

People are complex and develop fondness and attraction (and, FWIW, dislike) for others all the time.  Personally, I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't fancied other women whilst in a relationship.  It's particularly "easy" in the workplace where you're in the same space as someone for a long period of time and naturally develop relationships where you get to know others.  I'd imagine that most instances of cheating/affairs are with colleagues.

But if it's with that one person, is it 'better' than just someone because you were drunk?

 

I don't want to continue this after this if you do reply purely because I don't want to mess up an advice thread with hypotheticals that I'm unable to answer at all   Just my thought process with those instances is all.  To be very clear, again, cheating in any form is more often than not heartbreaking and being able to rebuild trust is the biggest hurdle involved, I imagine.

[HanoiVillan]

Gonna refer back to the previous thing I wrote about infidelity last time it was a big topic:

It is worth remembering that a] infidelity is common (particularly in its most broad definitions, but sex outside a relationship is pretty common too), and that b] infidelity is better understood as a thing that a person *does* rather than a thing that a person *is*[1].

@El Zen She has undoubtedly broken your trust and hurt you, and now the question is if you can rebuild that. Obviously it won't happen instantly, or even particularly quickly, and depending how you feel and how she acts it might not happen at all. But equally, there is no particularly good reason to assume that because she hurt you in this way that she is necessarily going to do it again, and unless it seems like she would do it again cheating is a thing she did, not a thing she is. In this case, the point is made above that she was going through some form of mental struggle at the time. It may be worth asking how you would react if she had broken another form of trust at the same point; if she had taken money out of your bank account or developed a secret addiction or something of that nature. Would you have reacted in the same way?

I'm not telling you what to do. Going back to find the post I've included there, I went forward a page and found a post in which you described yourself as a 'hardcore monogamist', so I see that monogamy is especially important to you. In that case, you might feel you simply cannot forgive what has happened. But I think it's worth at least considering the wider picture. It's hard, especially as everything is very raw at the moment.

One final thing I would say is that I agree with @WhatAboutTheFinish; whatever you decide, decide what is right for you. If that means breaking up, so be it: I'm sure you would be mature about childcare, do what's in the interests of the kids, etc etc. Medium term, they would be better off with a happy father than an unhappy home.

Good luck.

[1] There are some people who are perpetually unfaithful. For those people, it may make sense to regard cheating as a foundational aspect of their character. But that doesn't seem to be what we're talking about here.