What is your experience of mental health?

[Mandy Lifeboats]

@Chindie

You are an eloquent and intelligent poster.  Use those skills to help yourself. 

Write to your MP. Write to the Health Minister. Write to the PM.  Write to the prospective MP candidates in your ward.  Write to the Chief Executive of the NHS.  Contact some mental health charities.  Write to the Daily Mirror.   Ask some friends or relatives to also raise the issue on your behalf.  

When you don't get the replies you want - write again.  Make yourself the biggest pain in the @r$e possible.  When we get a new government- Write again.  

You need to push the issue and we can all see that you have the skills to do that. 

[hogso]

@Chindie

You are not alone

[hogso]

@Chindie hasn't been online for a week. Don't suppose anyone has a route to contacting him outside of VT? 

[Mark Albrighton]

1 hour ago, hogso said:

@Chindie hasn't been online for a week. Don't suppose anyone has a route to contacting him outside of VT? 

I don’t, unfortunately. Hopefully it’s just a little break away from looking at his phone/computer screen. 

[Chindie]

Hello all

Sorry I've been away. I've not killed myself yet.

Things were bad after the last post and have stayed that way. I've very much been struggling and really have considered doing myself in pretty regularly. I got the car filled up but that was a horrible experience and has probably harmed my relationship with my girlfriend (not in 'bad' ways, but she got to see what a mess I'm in). I've also failed to take her home for the first time in a very long time as I couldn't face getting out of the house, which has now put another strain on things. I've also visited the doctor across the road which was a nightmare and achieved very little, I've had a prescription sat at the pharmacist over the road for a week because I can't get there, and overall life feels very bad with nothing good coming. I've also had a follow up call this morning with the service I was referred to, which I still haven't actually been 'seen' by, but that call has now lead to my being referred to another, apparently more serious, service.

I stepped away from the forum for a few reasons, and I'll probably step away again after this. Partly it felt like a distraction from things. This is my only 'social' outlet, but it was also a crutch to avoid the problem. Partly I also felt like the things I'm interested in and drawn to were harming me and also pointless, making me ever more aware that the world outside of my issues is a shit show, and I was just shouting into an ether without engagement anyway. So at the lowest ebb thus far I felt I should just go.

I appreciate people reaching out and don't wish to worry anyone.

[Anthony]

3 minutes ago, Chindie said:

Hello all

Sorry I've been away. I've not killed myself yet.

Things were bad after the last post and have stayed that way. I've very much been struggling and really have considered doing myself in pretty regularly. I got the car filled up but that was a horrible experience and has probably harmed my relationship with my girlfriend (not in 'bad' ways, but she got to see what a mess I'm in). I've also failed to take her home for the first time in a very long time as I couldn't face getting out of the house, which has now put another strain on things. I've also visited the doctor across the road which was a nightmare and achieved very little, I've had a prescription sat at the pharmacist over the road for a week because I can't get there, and overall life feels very bad with nothing good coming. I've also had a follow up call this morning with the service I was referred to, which I still haven't actually been 'seen' by, but that call has now lead to my being referred to another, apparently more serious, service.

I stepped away from the forum for a few reasons, and I'll probably step away again after this. Partly it felt like a distraction from things. This is my only 'social' outlet, but it was also a crutch to avoid the problem. Partly I also felt like the things I'm interested in and drawn to were harming me and also pointless, making me ever more aware that the world outside of my issues is a shit show, and I was just shouting into an ether without engagement anyway. So at the lowest ebb thus far I felt I should just go.

I appreciate people reaching out and don't wish to worry anyone.

Glad to hear you're Still around. I was getting quite worried.

[villa89]

6 hours ago, Chindie said:

I've not killed myself yet.

A good friend of mine committed suicide on Monday. I spent the day today (and will be tomorrow and Sunday) walking shorelines along the coast looking for his corpse. Left a wife and 2 year old behind him. He tried to hide his issues instead of seeking help and it broke him. 

However bad it is nothing is worth suicide. 

[Chindie]

40 minutes ago, villa89 said:

A good friend of mine committed suicide on Monday. I spent the day today (and will be tomorrow and Sunday) walking shorelines along the coast looking for his corpse. Left a wife and 2 year old behind him. He tried to hide his issues instead of seeking help and it broke him. 

However bad it is nothing is worth suicide. 

Sorry for your loss.

[Chindie]

As for why my mind goes there.

My head is so **** to the enormous detriment of my life that I feel like there will come a point where the wheels completely fall off.

As I sit here now, alone, in the dark, with YouTube on in the background with some inane shit to fill the void, all I can think is my life isn't much and what there is is breaking me. I don't like talking about it, because it's pathetic, but there's little to lose, so here goes.

I got up this morning and logged in to the computer. I had a virtual meeting at 9, another scheduled at 9.30, and another at 10.30. I'm so concerned about my needing the loo during any of these meetings that I went to the loo before the 9 meeting, the 9.30 got moved to 10 so I went again, and then was anxious over the 10.30 one, but that was also tinged by the fact I had the follow up call from the mental health service at 9.45 which put me in a very depressed place. After those meetings I knew I needed to go get a prescription that was sat at the pharmacy which I can see from the front window of my house, which I'd put off for over a week. I ended up in the loo at 2.15 for an hour trying to clear my system to go get those pills, and failed. I ended up calling the pharmacy and pathetically asking if they could deliver them. Thankfully that was before I got to the state of sobbing and slamming the wall over and over like it was a fortnight ago. Apparently they will deliver on Monday. That felt like a failure but also gave me some relief.

Now it's Friday night. I'm not doing anything. And tomorrow I won't do anything. I'm already worried about picking my girlfriend up to do our usual couple of hours together tomorrow night. She lives a 3 minute drive away. I probably won't pick her up because I won't be able to make that drive because my stomach will start playing up and I'll be in a state. And then I'm worried about getting her home because the last time I saw her I couldn't drive her back and since that night we've both made excuses about seeing each other because we're concerned about getting her home. I'm concerned about what I'm going to eat between now and then in case that makes things worse. And I'm concerned about what I'll do on Sunday for the same reason. And Monday. And Tuesday. And so on.

And thats my life. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. All because my stomach problems, which realistically are actually because I'm **** mental and have been on a downward spiral that turned vertical in the last 4 months, dominate my life. And as a result it's not really a life. You can't really lead a life when the last 'big trip' out was to get petrol for a shitbox Lupo and that nearly had you have a full on mental breakdown and panic attack with the girlfriend in the passenger seat telling me sternly to calm down. This week the same car had its MOT at the garage I can see from my seat right now and going to give them the key took nearly an hour of prep. Picking it up later was nearly as bad. The day before I went to the doctor's down the street after promising my girlfriend I would when I couldn't take her home. It took half an hour of 'prep' to get there and was shaking as I walked there and was on edge in the waiting room and nearly sprinted out of the room when they left me in the consultation room while the docs had a conflab for a few minutes when my stomach started playing up. They gave me a propanol prescription which was sat alongside the other prescription for an anxiety med I couldn't pick up when I called the chemists. This isn't a life. And nothing can help.

All I do is plug away trying to keep paying the bills and trying to make sure I don't let my girlfriend down when I take her home. What can I do with that? Are we going to get married when I'm not able to get out of the house like a normal person? How would you have children in that situation? I'm holding her back. What if, as I am waiting for, my work says 'get back if the office'? I can't. Even if they don't they clearly rate me lower because I'm not 'present'. I can't get a better job because I'd have to do everything remote - ain't happening. So even if nothing happens by some miracle, my horizons are extremely curtailed.

What this existence is is frustration, pain, anger and despair. And it's all pathetic. So very pathetic. A grown man who is housebound by a condition that means he'll suddenly need a toilet without warning, and has been so broken by it he can't really function anymore. It's ruined my life.

So it's not hard to think about the rope, the pills, the knife, the reasonable speed smash into a wall (it's only a 1l). It's pathetic in it's own right. And I don't 'want' it. But eventually the matter will be taken out of my hands.

[rjw63]

2 hours ago, Chindie said:

As for why my mind goes there.

My head is so **** to the enormous detriment of my life that I feel like there will come a point where the wheels completely fall off.

As I sit here now, alone, in the dark, with YouTube on in the background with some inane shit to fill the void, all I can think is my life isn't much and what there is is breaking me. I don't like talking about it, because it's pathetic, but there's little to lose, so here goes.

I got up this morning and logged in to the computer. I had a virtual meeting at 9, another scheduled at 9.30, and another at 10.30. I'm so concerned about my needing the loo during any of these meetings that I went to the loo before the 9 meeting, the 9.30 got moved to 10 so I went again, and then was anxious over the 10.30 one, but that was also tinged by the fact I had the follow up call from the mental health service at 9.45 which put me in a very depressed place. After those meetings I knew I needed to go get a prescription that was sat at the pharmacy which I can see from the front window of my house, which I'd put off for over a week. I ended up in the loo at 2.15 for an hour trying to clear my system to go get those pills, and failed. I ended up calling the pharmacy and pathetically asking if they could deliver them. Thankfully that was before I got to the state of sobbing and slamming the wall over and over like it was a fortnight ago. Apparently they will deliver on Monday. That felt like a failure but also gave me some relief.

Now it's Friday night. I'm not doing anything. And tomorrow I won't do anything. I'm already worried about picking my girlfriend up to do our usual couple of hours together tomorrow night. She lives a 3 minute drive away. I probably won't pick her up because I won't be able to make that drive because my stomach will start playing up and I'll be in a state. And then I'm worried about getting her home because the last time I saw her I couldn't drive her back and since that night we've both made excuses about seeing each other because we're concerned about getting her home. I'm concerned about what I'm going to eat between now and then in case that makes things worse. And I'm concerned about what I'll do on Sunday for the same reason. And Monday. And Tuesday. And so on.

And thats my life. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. All because my stomach problems, which realistically are actually because I'm **** mental and have been on a downward spiral that turned vertical in the last 4 months, dominate my life. And as a result it's not really a life. You can't really lead a life when the last 'big trip' out was to get petrol for a shitbox Lupo and that nearly had you have a full on mental breakdown and panic attack with the girlfriend in the passenger seat telling me sternly to calm down. This week the same car had its MOT at the garage I can see from my seat right now and going to give them the key took nearly an hour of prep. Picking it up later was nearly as bad. The day before I went to the doctor's down the street after promising my girlfriend I would when I couldn't take her home. It took half an hour of 'prep' to get there and was shaking as I walked there and was on edge in the waiting room and nearly sprinted out of the room when they left me in the consultation room while the docs had a conflab for a few minutes when my stomach started playing up. They gave me a propanol prescription which was sat alongside the other prescription for an anxiety med I couldn't pick up when I called the chemists. This isn't a life. And nothing can help.

All I do is plug away trying to keep paying the bills and trying to make sure I don't let my girlfriend down when I take her home. What can I do with that? Are we going to get married when I'm not able to get out of the house like a normal person? How would you have children in that situation? I'm holding her back. What if, as I am waiting for, my work says 'get back if the office'? I can't. Even if they don't they clearly rate me lower because I'm not 'present'. I can't get a better job because I'd have to do everything remote - ain't happening. So even if nothing happens by some miracle, my horizons are extremely curtailed.

What this existence is is frustration, pain, anger and despair. And it's all pathetic. So very pathetic. A grown man who is housebound by a condition that means he'll suddenly need a toilet without warning, and has been so broken by it he can't really function anymore. It's ruined my life.

So it's not hard to think about the rope, the pills, the knife, the reasonable speed smash into a wall (it's only a 1l). It's pathetic in it's own right. And I don't 'want' it. But eventually the matter will be taken out of my hands.

I was in a state some years ago (although not as bad as you), I went to my GP and he arranged for me to just turn up at Solihull psych ward and be admitted. I was there for two weeks. Maybe this is the type of thing that might help you?

[DCJonah]

11 hours ago, Chindie said:

As for why my mind goes there.

My head is so **** to the enormous detriment of my life that I feel like there will come a point where the wheels completely fall off.

As I sit here now, alone, in the dark, with YouTube on in the background with some inane shit to fill the void, all I can think is my life isn't much and what there is is breaking me. I don't like talking about it, because it's pathetic, but there's little to lose, so here goes.

I got up this morning and logged in to the computer. I had a virtual meeting at 9, another scheduled at 9.30, and another at 10.30. I'm so concerned about my needing the loo during any of these meetings that I went to the loo before the 9 meeting, the 9.30 got moved to 10 so I went again, and then was anxious over the 10.30 one, but that was also tinged by the fact I had the follow up call from the mental health service at 9.45 which put me in a very depressed place. After those meetings I knew I needed to go get a prescription that was sat at the pharmacy which I can see from the front window of my house, which I'd put off for over a week. I ended up in the loo at 2.15 for an hour trying to clear my system to go get those pills, and failed. I ended up calling the pharmacy and pathetically asking if they could deliver them. Thankfully that was before I got to the state of sobbing and slamming the wall over and over like it was a fortnight ago. Apparently they will deliver on Monday. That felt like a failure but also gave me some relief.

Now it's Friday night. I'm not doing anything. And tomorrow I won't do anything. I'm already worried about picking my girlfriend up to do our usual couple of hours together tomorrow night. She lives a 3 minute drive away. I probably won't pick her up because I won't be able to make that drive because my stomach will start playing up and I'll be in a state. And then I'm worried about getting her home because the last time I saw her I couldn't drive her back and since that night we've both made excuses about seeing each other because we're concerned about getting her home. I'm concerned about what I'm going to eat between now and then in case that makes things worse. And I'm concerned about what I'll do on Sunday for the same reason. And Monday. And Tuesday. And so on.

And thats my life. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. All because my stomach problems, which realistically are actually because I'm **** mental and have been on a downward spiral that turned vertical in the last 4 months, dominate my life. And as a result it's not really a life. You can't really lead a life when the last 'big trip' out was to get petrol for a shitbox Lupo and that nearly had you have a full on mental breakdown and panic attack with the girlfriend in the passenger seat telling me sternly to calm down. This week the same car had its MOT at the garage I can see from my seat right now and going to give them the key took nearly an hour of prep. Picking it up later was nearly as bad. The day before I went to the doctor's down the street after promising my girlfriend I would when I couldn't take her home. It took half an hour of 'prep' to get there and was shaking as I walked there and was on edge in the waiting room and nearly sprinted out of the room when they left me in the consultation room while the docs had a conflab for a few minutes when my stomach started playing up. They gave me a propanol prescription which was sat alongside the other prescription for an anxiety med I couldn't pick up when I called the chemists. This isn't a life. And nothing can help.

All I do is plug away trying to keep paying the bills and trying to make sure I don't let my girlfriend down when I take her home. What can I do with that? Are we going to get married when I'm not able to get out of the house like a normal person? How would you have children in that situation? I'm holding her back. What if, as I am waiting for, my work says 'get back if the office'? I can't. Even if they don't they clearly rate me lower because I'm not 'present'. I can't get a better job because I'd have to do everything remote - ain't happening. So even if nothing happens by some miracle, my horizons are extremely curtailed.

What this existence is is frustration, pain, anger and despair. And it's all pathetic. So very pathetic. A grown man who is housebound by a condition that means he'll suddenly need a toilet without warning, and has been so broken by it he can't really function anymore. It's ruined my life.

So it's not hard to think about the rope, the pills, the knife, the reasonable speed smash into a wall (it's only a 1l). It's pathetic in it's own right. And I don't 'want' it. But eventually the matter will be taken out of my hands.

I have a close friend who suffered in a similar way. 

He would always need the toilet. We played Sunday league together, often he'd be the last person to get on the pitch because he'd be in the toilet. We'd play golf and he'd have to be in the final group because he was in the toilet. He'd never get a taxi with us on a night out, he'd always make his own way because he'd be late because he needed the toilet. He'd keep a pack of toilet roll in the boot of his car and was terrified of getting caught in a traffic jam and once did have to run into the woods on a journey home. 

And then he decided to go and get therapy and it changed everything. He'd always suffered with anxiety and then it helped him understand that he was in a terrible loop. He was anxious about things which would cause his stomach issues but then he would become more anxious about his stomach and then that would cause his stomach issues to get worse. 

It took medication and therapy to help him and he's completely different today. 

These issues can be fixed. You just need the right help 

[Villan_of_oz]

I'm happy to be contacted by anyone going through hard times with mental illness... I am someone who has struggled my whole life and I know what it is like to have those feelings pushing you to the edge.

Edited March 3 by Villan_of_oz

[rjw63]

@Chindie, just wondered why your female friend can’t walk to yours or home from yours if it’s only a three minute car ride?

No pressure for you to get in the car then.

[Chindie]

6 hours ago, rjw63 said:

@Chindie, just wondered why your female friend can’t walk to yours or home from yours if it’s only a three minute car ride?

No pressure for you to get in the car then.

She does more often than not walk to mine, but walking home she's never really done. She feels it's dangerous. I'm not sure it actually is realistically, it's all residential main roads and it's not particularly late when she leaves. I prefer to take her home, and it has the bonus of feeling like I am capable of some things still, but it's also adding a bit more pressure to things.

[mjmooney]

15 minutes ago, Chindie said:

She does more often than not walk to mine, but walking home she's never really done. She feels it's dangerous. I'm not sure it actually is realistically, it's all residential main roads and it's not particularly late when she leaves. I prefer to take her home, and it has the bonus of feeling like I am capable of some things still, but it's also adding a bit more pressure to things.

Could you steel yourself to walk her? 

[Xela]

Sorry if you have covered it before @Chindie but have you been diagnosed with anything with relation to your stomach? Like IBS/Crohns/Colitis? Certainly sounds very much like the latter, which I have. Or is it the anxiety/stress causing it?

I know exactly where you are coming from when you mentioned prepping yourself before going out. I have to do the same. People don't realise how exhausting it is. When people see me in the office at 7:30am, they don't realise I have been up for nearly 3 hours, preparing my body to go out.  I can sometimes have to go to the toilet two or three times before I am comfortable enough to go out. I won't leave the house unless I have had what I would call a satisfactory movement. I know I laugh about it on here, but it can be demoralising and draining. It wears me down. 

Bizarrely once the morning routine is done, I'm a lot better during the day at work. I may have to go again, once or twice, but I'm generally ok. Evenings are fine as well. Its morning when my insides are in absolute ribbons. I don't know why that  is, maybe its because i'm lying horizontal for a large number of hours, and going vertical upsets everything!

I've learned to live with it the best I can. I try not to let it define my life, but there are things I can't do. Festivals etc. I always have to be conscious of nearest toilets etc. 

[Chindie]

3 hours ago, Xela said:

Sorry if you have covered it before @Chindie but have you been diagnosed with anything with relation to your stomach? Like IBS/Crohns/Colitis? Certainly sounds very much like the latter, which I have. Or is it the anxiety/stress causing it?

I know exactly where you are coming from when you mentioned prepping yourself before going out. I have to do the same. People don't realise how exhausting it is. When people see me in the office at 7:30am, they don't realise I have been up for nearly 3 hours, preparing my body to go out.  I can sometimes have to go to the toilet two or three times before I am comfortable enough to go out. I won't leave the house unless I have had what I would call a satisfactory movement. I know I laugh about it on here, but it can be demoralising and draining. It wears me down. 

Bizarrely once the morning routine is done, I'm a lot better during the day at work. I may have to go again, once or twice, but I'm generally ok. Evenings are fine as well. Its morning when my insides are in absolute ribbons. I don't know why that  is, maybe its because i'm lying horizontal for a large number of hours, and going vertical upsets everything!

I've learned to live with it the best I can. I try not to let it define my life, but there are things I can't do. Festivals etc. I always have to be conscious of nearest toilets etc. 

I've been tested for various bowel diseases, I've had a few colonoscopies and blood tests and MRIs, none show anything, so the diagnosis just becomes 'IBS' which one discovered is essentially doctor speak for 'there's something wrong with his guts but **** if we know'. I've done the FODMAP diet (aka the best way to lose weight in the world) and other exclusion diets, nothing really helps. I know there's things I can eat that make it worse, so I do have some actual bowel issue(s), but realistically the issue now seems to be largely mental - the problem being it gets worse the more you struggle with it. You have the bad experience that makes the next experience a bigger deal which makes that worse which makes the next a bigger deal etc etc. I've looked into it and there is a mental health condition that seems to fit, and it seems it's treated like many other mental health concerns. Speaking of which I am now officially back on the happy pills. I'm now taking 7 pills a day for various conditions. Mental.

I'm sorry to hear about your own issues, I can understand the position you're in and how debilitating and maddening it can be.

[Sid4ever]

4 hours ago, Xela said:

Sorry if you have covered it before @Chindie but have you been diagnosed with anything with relation to your stomach? Like IBS/Crohns/Colitis? Certainly sounds very much like the latter, which I have. Or is it the anxiety/stress causing it?

I know exactly where you are coming from when you mentioned prepping yourself before going out. I have to do the same. People don't realise how exhausting it is. When people see me in the office at 7:30am, they don't realise I have been up for nearly 3 hours, preparing my body to go out.  I can sometimes have to go to the toilet two or three times before I am comfortable enough to go out. I won't leave the house unless I have had what I would call a satisfactory movement. I know I laugh about it on here, but it can be demoralising and draining. It wears me down. 

Bizarrely once the morning routine is done, I'm a lot better during the day at work. I may have to go again, once or twice, but I'm generally ok. Evenings are fine as well. Its morning when my insides are in absolute ribbons. I don't know why that  is, maybe its because i'm lying horizontal for a large number of hours, and going vertical upsets everything!

I've learned to live with it the best I can. I try not to let it define my life, but there are things I can't do. Festivals etc. I always have to be conscious of nearest toilets etc. 

As a fellow sufferer, this this and again this.

Need to know if where we are going has customer toilets, also like you thinking it’s being horizontal to vertical,  for me, I have to sit down for about half an hour before getting in the car as I know that, whether through nerves, my bowels will be moving as soon as I have been driving.

[VILLAMARV]

Could have gone in a few different threads and if this one is inappropriate then move it or whatever but a bit of a commotion over by here last night.

Noticed a couple of police cars in the street yesterday afternoon but as I live pretty much opposite a halfway house it's not an altogether uncommon sight. About tea-time though I noticed a fire engine blocking the road and police tape everywhere and an ambulance outside the halfwayhouse. There was a guy up on the roof threatening to jump. There were multiple times of the guy going in and out the building through his window. He was clearly very agitated. The vast majority of the service personnel there were keeping their distance quite clearly presumably so as not to agitate the situation with numbers. It took around 6 hours until they packed up and went home and I think they got the guy inside safely in the end.

As most of you know I live in a pretty rural place, so I'll probably know some of the lads sat in the fire engine. The same guys who had to deal with my mates body when he killed himself during lockdown. But much respect to anyone who has to deal with situations like that as part of their jobs. Amazingly high pressure environment. Harrowing. Whoever was on call to "talk them down" or however it's described outside of hollywood earned their corn last night. As I said, Respect.

[blandy]

13 minutes ago, VILLAMARV said:

much respect to anyone who has to deal with situations like that as part of their jobs. Amazingly high pressure environment. Harrowing. Whoever was on call to "talk them down" or however it's described outside of hollywood earned their corn last night. As I said, Respect.

Here’s a talking point. I was musing a few years ago, while sat in a huge stationary traffic jam on the motorway. The jam, it turned out was because someone was threatening to jump off a bridge. I was on my way to a Fall gig and had some leeway, but I wondered what’s the calculation? Motorway closed both directions. Thousands of people stuck. Is one of them gonna beat their wife/ plunge into depression/ insert terrible outcome here/ whatever? Because of the actions of a disturbed person?  At what point is the greater good/ least harm caused by just either grabbing the “jumper” or they jump?

It’s a philosophical question, not a point of view.