Text Message from Villa: Season Ticket Suspended

[darrenm]

I can't say how but my job lets me find out things. Nudge wink etc.

If you DM me your mobile number I'll see what I can find out.

[Rob182]

See, now that sounds like an invite to get pranked @darrenm so I'm not falling for it. I'm too busy right now anyway, I'm trying to work out what time it is in Nigeria because there's a King looking to donate a couple of million pounds to me.

 

(and no, Villa have not called me back. I'll await a call tomorrow, and if I hear nothing then I'll go to the game as normal on Saturday!)

[Keener window-cleaner]

I would have expected this to be straigthened out by now... I will consider you being guilty of twitter trolling untill you have proven yourself innocent.

[Villarocker]

7 hours ago, Rob182 said:

Real life best friend, well-known as being a berk. It's too well-thought out for him though. His main prank is sending me and @Paddywhack a photo of his testicles.

Not sure I believe this to be honest mate. Sounds like a load of bollocks!

[Rob182]

So....... Today a work mate has returned from his jollies in Malta and Rome, and has asked me if I received a text from the Villa! The 12-toed baggies fan that I never suspected! I nonchalantly said I knew it was a prank because of the spelling mistakes  ...... but then also told him that there's an 8-page thread about it on VT  

 

He also sent one to a Man Utd fan at our work, but his one didn't show up in the same thread of texts previously from Man Utd so he said he knew it was a scam straight away. Apparently him and his usual bunch that he goes watching England games with found the site and have been sending them to each other all week.

[Paddywhack]

Yes, yes, yes!

[snowychap]

I offer my apologies to Lapal.

[lapal_fan]

46 minutes ago, snowychap said:

I offer my apologies to Lapal.

  

[hogso]

Booooooooooo! That's a rubbish and far too boring result. Can't you invent something better?

[magnkarl]

I'd play them back. The message is extremely close to scamming, and the police would not take kindly to it. Neither would Villa. It'd scare the crap out of them if you managed to find out who it was and got Villa to actually react properly. Pretending to be a big brand business like a football club and pretending like you're in breach of rules is actually pretty serious.

Did you piss someone off lately?

My bet's on this guy.

Edited September 7, 2017 by magnkarl

[bobzy]

This thread delivers on so many levels - just absolutely superb!  Particular thanks to @Rob182, Rob's Tesco-bagged mate, @lapal_fan, the return of @GarethRDR and the Villa hotline for not being able to instantly dismiss the whole thing as a prank.

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

 

[Stevo985]

I still haven't ruled out @lapal_fan to be honest.

[lapal_fan]

I hope on the back of this vividly insulting witch hunt, which has seen my good name dragged through a big, thorny bush backwards whilst crying and my trousers falling off after getting caught on a particularly big thorn - that my "high maintenance" tag gets changed to "Very nice man". 

It's the least I deserve and if it does not happen then I will phone my solicitor (he's an idiot) and begin legal proceedings against Villa Talk and all of the users whom have posted in this thread for defamation of my character and appearance, loss of earnings because I could have bought scratch cards instead of posting in my defence, stress at being name-dropped so often and generally feeling very crummy throughout this entire saga. 

I interviewed myself so the press don't have to, in order to get this story out to "the people" in due course.

Interviewer (me); "How have you felt during these difficult times Lapal_fan?"

Me "I feel very hurt..  yesterday was the worst time of my life - Even worse than the time when I dropped my battered sausage in goose shit in Bewdley and my dad made me eat it in front of my friends when I was 10." (cries)

Interviewer (me) "Oh wow, your dad sounds like a right prick, did he seriously do that?"

Me "Yes, he did." (wipes tears from face, but keeps crying a lot).

Interviewer (me) "What do you plan on doing next?"

Me "I'd really like to stop crying to be honest"

Interviewer (me) "And after that?"

Me "Blow my nose" (sobs)

Interviewer (me) "Well let's just take things one step at a time shall we?" (I pass myself another tissue)

Me "Yes, ok"

*30 mins pass*

Interviewer (me) "Are you ready to continue?"

Me "Yes, thank you for your patience, it's just been an incredibly hard time"

Interviewer (me) "No problem, I fully understand your plight.  Would you like to say anything to @Rob182 in response to this saga?"

Me "Yes, I would.  I'd like to say I am glad that you have managed to fix this problem, and that I am happy that you have now found the despicable human who did this to you, I would like to be friends again, but only if you give me a bit of your money.. for the stress"

Interviewer (me) "I think that's fair.  How much do you reckon?"

Me "About a tenner should do it.  Listen, I can't do this anymore I need to do a wee wee."

It was at this time that I left the interview to do a toilet, but I think I have a very good point.  

What a shame that the saga has finished, but I think this will enter the ANALS of VT's history and we can all congratulate the evil man who did this to @Rob182.  

Maybe we'll get another good thread when the next international break comes up and everyone is bored and that. 

 

[Heretic]

16 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

What a shame that the saga has finished, but I think this will enter the ANALS of VT's history

Safe to say it's been there a while...

[Paddywhack]

19 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

I hope on the back of this vividly insulting witch hunt, which has seen my good name dragged through a big, thorny bush backwards whilst crying and my trousers falling off after getting caught on a particularly big thorn - that my "high maintenance" tag gets changed to "Very nice man". 

It's the least I deserve and if it does not happen then I will phone my solicitor (he's an idiot) and begin legal proceedings against Villa Talk and all of the users whom have posted in this thread for defamation of my character and appearance, loss of earnings because I could have bought scratch cards instead of posting in my defence, stress at being name-dropped so often and generally feeling very crummy throughout this entire saga. 

I interviewed myself so the press don't have to, in order to get this story out to "the people" in due course.

Interviewer (me); "How have you felt during these difficult times Lapal_fan?"

Me "I feel very hurt..  yesterday was the worst time of my life - Even worse than the time when I dropped my battered sausage in goose shit in Bewdley and my dad made me eat it in front of my friends when I was 10." (cries)

Interviewer (me) "Oh wow, your dad sounds like a right prick, did he seriously do that?"

Me "Yes, he did." (wipes tears from face, but keeps crying a lot).

Interviewer (me) "What do you plan on doing next?"

Me "I'd really like to stop crying to be honest"

Interviewer (me) "And after that?"

Me "Blow my nose" (sobs)

Interviewer (me) "Well let's just take things one step at a time shall we?" (I pass myself another tissue)

Me "Yes, ok"

*30 mins pass*

Interviewer (me) "Are you ready to continue?"

Me "Yes, thank you for your patience, it's just been an incredibly hard time"

Interviewer (me) "No problem, I fully understand your plight.  Would you like to say anything to @Rob182 in response to this saga?"

Me "Yes, I would.  I'd like to say I am glad that you have managed to fix this problem, and that I am happy that you have now found the despicable human who did this to you, I would like to be friends again, but only if you give me a bit of your money.. for the stress"

Interviewer (me) "I think that's fair.  How much do you reckon?"

Me "About a tenner should do it.  Listen, I can't do this anymore I need to do a wee wee."

It was at this time that I left the interview to do a toilet, but I think I have a very good point.  

What a shame that the saga has finished, but I think this will enter the ANALS of VT's history and we can all congratulate the evil man who did this to @Rob182.  

Maybe we'll get another good thread when the next international break comes up and everyone is bored and that. 

 

So was it you?

[lapal_fan]

3 minutes ago, Paddywhack said:

So was it you?

[sidcow]

On 06/09/2017 at 13:18, Hoof hearted said:

Welease Wobert?

He has a wife you know. 

[sidcow]

22 hours ago, darrenm said:

I can't say how but my job lets me find out things. Nudge wink etc.

If you DM me your mobile number I'll see what I can find out.

Wow DM. Nice cover, didn't know you were a Villa Fan. Glad the Ecuador embassy allow you Internet access 

[Rob182]

Guys! My message this morning was sent at gun-point, would you believe it? Needless to say I’ve now escaped, and can tell you the REAL ending to this sick prank. Or non-prank! 

...............................

I opened the door.

Revealing what, for seemed like days, I had hoped not to find. There was @hogso lying in a shiny puddle of his own sweat, semen, urine and diarrhoea, and bits of carrot. I quickly checked his pockets. It was no good. "Dammit!!!!" I shouted. I had lost my debit card, so some spare change would have come in handy. "Slim pickings!" I gasped.

I fell to my knees. He was our last hope. Only he knew the whereabouts of the 'Key of Opening Doors' which we needed so, so badly to finally reach the end of this VillaTalk Murder Mystery (The murder of my Season Ticket, that is). As my world crashed around me, metaphorically, I screamed "Sweet father of Lucifer!!!!!!!!"

"Yes?", he replied to my surprise, as he emerged from the shadows. Who knew that @NurembergVillan was the Devil’s Father? Before I could think of an appropriate response to his confusing question, we heard a loud crash, unlike any I had heard before. "There's no time for polite introductions!!" NV shouted, as he grabbed me by the arm and quickly lead me into the shadows and through a secret passage-way. I couldn't bring myself to tell him, but he was pinching my arm where he gripped tightly. The pain was excruciating. I wanted to yelp and violently pull my arm away from him, shouting "Not so rough!", but I didn't, such was the situation. ‘This is going to bruise’, I thought to myself, as the crashing around us continued.

After one secret passage-way and the next, light started to appear and the passage-way lead into a large sewage pipe. "Pooeey!", I said to NV. He agreed, commenting that it was akin to what he imagined @Heretic's boxer-short drawer smelt like. I considered that rather rude of him, and thought that the cleanliness of @Heretic's undergarments is his business and no-one else’s. Though I did always get a kind of 'pongy' vibe from him. The pinching on my arm continued to scramble my thoughts. By this point, the bruise had developed to a light shade of pink, about the size of a twenty-pence piece, and amongst the hallucinations my mind turned to darker thoughts. Would my arm need to be amputated? How would I look in a short-sleeved pale blue shirt? Why does @Rugeley Villa have a photo of Billy Ray Cyrus as his avatar?

As we reached the end of the sewer, NV and I found an exit leading to a dark forest. The crashing was dim, and I felt we could relax. @NurembergVillan tried to show me a new t-shirt design he had made, "Look at this", he said excitedly. I quickly responded that I wasn't in the mood, and didn't have the heart to tell him that his design was just the Nike tick back-to-front. It was at this point that @snowychap climbed down from one of the trees, carrying the limp, lifeless body of @lapal_fan.

 

“Get over here and help!” Snowy shouted, “I've only got two pairs of hands!”. The adventure continued as Snowychap lead us to a clearing in the woods where there was a small helicopter manned by @limpid. The ‘copter could only fit 4 people, so NV volunteered to stay behind. It was well-known that he had always preferred to abandon Villa fans in times of need, so we accepted his resignation.

 

@limpid welcomed us aboard, commenting in his deep-southern American accent “Woowweee, what a crazzzzzyyy bunch of misfits we are”. I immediately responded, “’Shut up and fly!”. Fearing the repercussions back on the forum, I slumped back in my chair with a sheepish expression. The awkwardness could be felt throughout the passenger hold. I raised my eyebrows as I looked towards @snowychap and made an ‘eeek’ shape with my mouth, whilst secretly glowing with pride at the immense strength of character I had shown. ‘Free Speech IS a thing’, I thought to myself.

 

An hour later the helicopter landed on the helipad of a small local Doctor's surgery in Quinton. We ran from the chopper, each holding one of @lapal_fan's limbs. Unfortunately we all ran at different speeds and directions, as was the differing levels of fitness between us, causing the limp, ugly, pimple-covered and no doubt erectile-dis-functioning body to fall to the floor, creating a huge thud on the grey rooftop. As the thud sounded, the door to the rooftop entrance swung open and @alreadyexists emerged. “I am a DOCTOR!” he proclaimed loudly, and he ran towards us, stethoscope in hand. Though it didn't distract us from the large thick monobrow that he is well known for. He claimed to know various medicinal and healing methods, and said he would try them all.

 

Medical....

 

Scientific. Holistic. Spiritual....?

 

Therapeutic....

 

We all looked at each other, concerned for the situation that was unraveling.  @limpid took charge of the moment and firmly suggested to @alreadyexists that he stopped stating the 5 disciplines he was trained in over and over, and start treating the patient.

 

30 minutes passed, and @alreadyexists efforts seemed futile. The bruise on my arm was continuing to darken. He had failed in reversing the damage caused by NV previously. “It’s a lost cause, just leave it”, I said, snatching my arm off the operating table. Ashamed of his performance and attempting to regain some credibility, @alreadyexists replied “I'm the practice manager!”, I quipped back “Then you should stop bloody practicing and try being the real manager!” We all laughed, holding our bellies at the quick wit I had shown, despite the obvious pain I was enduring, and then we all suggested that he now take a look at @lapal_fan, but @alreadyexists said that there's no point, and that he’s been dead for weeks.

 

It's probably best for everyone involved, I thought.

 

We were taken downstairs to finally get the mystery back on track. An apple ringtone was chirping. It seemed that @Paddywhack was 'Face-timing' us on @alreadyexists iPad. 'Flash git', I thought to myself. @Paddywhack appeared on the screen, to hopefully give us a breakthrough, much like M from James Bond would. The pain in my arm started to return, and my mind raced again. The thought came into my mind that @Paddywhack and Judi Dench were very similar in appearance. The same haircut. The same weathered face. An easy target. Low hanging fruit. By which, of course, I meant her breasts.

The Face-time connected and @Paddywhack started to talk, “Do you reckon when God came up with the idea of a spider, he said "This idea... It's got legs'...”. He stared at us. We all shrugged our shoulders and looked blankly at each other for a moment. Paddywhack continued to speak “In I’m A Celebrity, do they kill the crocodile just for the anus? Where's the rest of the crocodile?! Huh?!" ... I assumed we had to indulge him for a moment, for him to finally get to the point, so I stumped up the courage and answered “No, I think they eat crocodiles in Australia anyway, so they probably just say “Save us the anus””. Paddywhack replied “Wasn’t he a Roman Emperor?”, without giving me time to Google it, he asked another question, “Do you ever wonder whether everyone else is a robot and you're the only human on the planet?” I swiftly answered him and gave my own question “Sometimes. What if you're a robot, I'm a human and everyone else is a planet?”, attempting to play him at his own game. @Paddywhack responded “I'm not a robot. You cut me, I bleed blood”. We were playing verbal tennis, back and forth. It was exhilarating and I felt a slight hardening in my y-fronts. I continued the questioning, “But do you bleed blood or a mechanical lubricant designed to replicate blood?!” Paddywhack replied “Oh no, it's definitely blood, I have Type 2 Diabetes."

At this point I thought that we’d gone massively off topic, and that a warning was a serious possibility. I had no red writing to use, but I firmly shouted to Paddywhack “Tell us who has the key! I’m sick of this whole thing! It's put me in a right fluffery-buffery!" Snowychap tried to calm me down, grabbing me tightly on the butt-cheek, "Calm down Rob", he said. But I continued, "I called the Ticket Office and they said they’d call back! They called me back and told me that someone would pop round my house to discuss it further. During the adverts of Wednesday's Judge Rinder Dr Tony turned up in a Ford Mondeo and his goons Keith Wyness and Steve Round put a Villa Store bag over my head and bundled me into the boot of the car! It was really uncomfortable in there with Miguel, Peter Whittingham and Jermaine Defoe, although the presence of Ethan Moore was a pleasant surprise. Ethan says that his 28th birthday is quickly approaching, and that he's eager to get back into the England Under 19 squad like @sir_gary_cahill says is still a possibility. Anyway, after an uncomfortable night in the boot of the Mondeo I was released at a secret location. The setting was f***ing scary. A factory. Derelict like an Eastern European car park with no attendant or machine to pay, but signs telling you that you must. 'Aston?', I thought. As I was carried from the car I noticed a man was being attacked a little way down the path that we had driven in on. I couldn't see who he was, but two custard pies and an iron were catapulted towards him. The pies hit him in the face and crotch respectively. The iron flew right past him at some speed. I was dragged into a factory space where @rodders0223 was chained to a wall, pants down, with his testicles wired up to car battery and bulldog clips clamped to each nipple. Although I felt sorry for him, I felt a slight sense of satisfaction, and had to bite my lip from commenting “Still definitely a prank, is it Rodders?”. I also wondered why he had nipples on his testicles. 'Is that why the lads always laugh at me in the shower?', I thought.

 

I continued to remind @Paddywhack (and the live studio audience) of what had happened on Thursday morning. Dr Tony had a gun to my head, demanding that I send a reply to the forum to ease their concerns of a valued member such as myself (possibly the most valued? Who knows, we've never quantified it, though I've been tempted to suggest it). Once I had posted of my safety, Dr Tone, or 'BIG PAPA T-SHAT', that he had requested I call him, told us that there were Villa Talk members hidden all throughout the secret factory, each in equally demeaning situations, and that the Text Message was a hoax all along, and part of a wider plan to reduce the amount of VillaTalkers that criticise Steve Bruce at matches, or "Bruce Steve" as Tony persistently called him. He continued to tell me of the horrible acts that were being performed on my fellow Villans.

"@Eastie Electric shock to anus!" He shouted... 

"@Chewie Papercut on scrotum!".... 

"@Dante_Lockhart Forced to watch the extended highlights DVD of West Brom beating Man Utd!" .....

"@Genie .... More electric shocks to anus!"

Dr T then started to reel off name after name: @John! @villakram, @sidcow, @jim, @Tayls and @Stevo985 were all there. “Stevo too?” I thought. “At least it’s not all bad news” (The wallet discussion from Off Topic was still clearly on my mind). Dr Tony said he had a special torture just for me, to punish me for sharing the text message he had sent. I was pushed and shoved into a room brighter than the others. Fluorescent lighting surrounded me. The walls were covered in shelves, filled with cereal boxes. Someone had spray painted 'Die None-Believers!' across the floor, 'Bruce Forever' on the ceiling and there were hundreds of Polaroids pinned around the room, showing the images of different fans booing Steve Bruce, each with a Red Cross scratched over their faces. 'That's a hell of a lot of cereal', I thought, 'They probably buy it in bulk'. Dr Tony then started to sing to me, to the tune of Hey Jude by The Beatles, "Hey Bruuuuce, don't be so sad, the football's crap but it will get bettteerrr. You are my cuddly, Geordie marshmallow mannnn. You have so manyyy excuses to mentionnnn.... HEY BRUUCCEEE". I couldn't take much more, and shouted "Stopppp!!!!", to which Dr T replied "No-one disrespects Bruce Steve!!!!" and I was smacked round the head with a blunt object, and part of what I believe was the end of Dr Tony's oversized suit sleeve. Falling to the ground my head started to spin again.

 

In my haze, I heard a siren sounding and the Villa security could be seen sprinting past the doorway. A loud “WHYYYYYY” was screamed from a distant corridor. Keith Wyness started to run (well, it was a fast walk, at best) in the direction of the shouting. The “Why” ended and Wyness turned back around, saying “Never mind, I thought they were calling me, but they're not". The siren continued and Dr Tony started shouting in a language that I believe was foreign.  Panic had set in all around the factory. Straight away I thought "I'm not as daft as they think! I've got it!" I knew something was going on, Dr Tony had kidnapped me and other Villa fans for criticising the manager Steve Bruce! Despite the revelation that my sophisticated mind had quickly reached, everything turned black. ......But not before I witnessed the return of @GarethRDR, as he came into the flourescently-lit room, wearing 7 or 8 goalkeeper jumpers on top of each other. Then I  properly passed out. For real this time.

 

During my blackout I was transported to a far-away place where I was told about the Key of Opening Doors, which would free everyone from tortute and bring the boos back to where they belong: at the end of the game, but NEVER during. Maybe my subconscious had heard a conversation happening around my knocked-out body. Although it could have just been a crazy dream, as I also imagined a man at a car boot sale with an empty table. A customer walked past him and jovially said “You’ve had a good day!”, and the man replied "Not really, I’ve only come here to sell this bloody table, and I’ve had no offers!”. Blackness returned. Black. Black. Black. Like a thick, throbbing... Never mind. Just black. Until I woke up.  Then it went a bit grey. Then my eyes adjusted to the light and I saw a note and a door. The door from the start of the movie (I imagine this will get made into a movie). The note was from @Keener window-cleaner and said that the only one who knew the whereabouts of the key was the one they call 'Elf Bummer', and to go through the door. On the back of the note it said 'Also, anyone who posts 'TLDR' has a penis the size of a sultana'.

 

Just before I walked through the door, I heard a man outside the factory say "Ouch! What the f*ck?! An iron's just hit me in the face".

 

The end.

I hope that was alright @hogso

 

Edit: I've realised that the story doesn't actually end. But after a day of contemplation, I have decided that that was planned. You are left to imagine your own ending. Maybe Gareth saved everyone, or maybe his anus met the same electric fate as the others. The main thing is that we know that it was Dr Tony who sent the text to me. (Also, in real life, I've still not received a callback from Villa).

Edited September 8, 2017 by Rob182

[alreadyexists]

That is without a doubt the best thing I've ever read @Rob182 , and I've read Lord of the Rings... and you know what? I'm genuinely touched to be included *sniff* I've never felt so accepted.