Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Xela]

14 hours ago, PompeyVillan said:

After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. 

I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. 

I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'?

Understandable. Its a huge decision and when you've kind of made peace with the fact you aren't having kids, to suddenly have that change is a massive thing. It isn't something you can agree to overnight. 

[Demitri_C]

I'm 35 soon and no kids yet wondering if I am too old to start a family as I would wasn't two iouldnt want just the one.

[rjw63]

1 hour ago, Demitri_C said:

I'm 35 soon and no kids yet wondering if I am too old to start a family as I would wasn't two iouldnt want just the one.

Have you got long nails? Just wondering

[TrentVilla]

20 hours ago, PompeyVillan said:

After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. 

I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. 

I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'? I can't say yes or no because she'll hold me to either answer but I know deep down that the fact I have to think about it means that I will need to come to terms with the idea rather than really want it. It's getting me down because since we got together she was against having kids, so it's a bit of a suprise to me that she now so desperately wants them. 

We only got married recently despite being together a while. I've told her to give it a few months and see if she still feels the same way. 

What a predicament. I'm sure if we do have a child there are loads of things I'll love about it, but I can't get my head around the complete 360 it'll have on my life. I feel like its something I can't say no to.

And it is a complete 360 mate, first few years at least no denying but its brilliant as well, just brilliant.

Spent this weekend teaching my eldest to ride his bike without stabilizers, playing football with my two boys oh and went to Lego club. The rest of the wkend I just wasted doing pointless things like watching Villa.

[PompeyVillan]

I think basically Mr Mooney is correct, but I feel guilty about having to come to terms with the idea rather than greeting the development with enthusiasm and happiness. Doesn't seem quite right. I like sitting in my pants all day doing nothing.

I'm aware that her fertility will start rapidly declining soon as she's 30. I think that's as much as a trigger for her changing her mind more than anything. I can't hold this against her at all. 

Thing is, I'm pretty good with kids. I work with them, which has perhaps put me off. Whenever I have considered kids, I've always thought about the more grown up stages of teenage to adulthood to be the most appealing. Babies are flippin' hard work. 

[TrentVilla]

15 minutes ago, PompeyVillan said:

I think basically Mr Mooney is correct, but I feel guilty about having to come to terms with the idea rather than greeting the development with enthusiasm and happiness. Doesn't seem quite right.

Our first wasn't planned, I wasn't ready and had to do the above rather than celebrate it. Seems utterly insane now looking back.

[NeilS]

26 minutes ago, TrentVilla said:

And it is a complete 360 mate, first few years at least no denying but its brilliant as well, just brilliant.

Spent this weekend teaching my eldest to ride his bike without stabilizers, playing football with my two boys oh and went to Lego club. The rest of the wkend I just wasted doing pointless things like watching Villa.

The best thing about being a Dad, you get to play with toys, computer games and watch cartoons again without getting weird looks from the other half. Plus added bonus of out foxing your 4 year old at football. 

Edited October 29, 2017 by NeilS

[chrisp65]

slo mo fighting on the bed / spaceship / speeding train when you're supposed to be putting them to bed

30 minutes later the missus comes upstairs to see what's taking so long, and you're pinned underneath one of them, growling 'I do not surrender, I do not surrender...'

yeah, kids weren't top of my wish list either

[JB]

I didn't have any plans to settle down and have kids but coming up to six years ago, a girl who I was seeing occasionally in my old uni town, 140-odd miles away dropped the bombshell on me that she was pregnant. I'd like to say that I was immediately compelled to move to be with her and support her but it was a decision I agonised over. I'd just started a new job in London which was going really well, had an awesome group of mates there and was having the time of my life. After a couple of months, I decided that as much as I wasn't ready to be a father or to settle down, I had to try and do the right thing. So I upped sticks and moved to Cardiff just before my daughter was born. The last five and a bit years ago have been a nightmare in many ways. I found it difficult to get a permanent job here so money was tight and things didn't work out with the mum. But it's safe to say that I don't regret a single thing - for one reason - my daughter. She's amazing (I'm sure every parent feels this way) and as soon as I held her I knew that I wanted to be her dad. We've only got closer over as she's grown and she lives with me half the time.

What I'm (clumsily) trying to say is that I confidently predict that, should you go ahead and have the child, in years to come you'll look back and wonder why you ever debated the decision. Yes, there are the obvious impacts on your life but it hasn't been 'game over' in the way I feared it would be. If you're in a good place and it's what your other-half wants then go for it, I say. You won't regret it. 

Edited October 29, 2017 by JB

[HanoiVillan]

21 hours ago, PompeyVillan said:

After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. 

I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. 

I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'? I can't say yes or no because she'll hold me to either answer but I know deep down that the fact I have to think about it means that I will need to come to terms with the idea rather than really want it. It's getting me down because since we got together she was against having kids, so it's a bit of a suprise to me that she now so desperately wants them. 

We only got married recently despite being together a while. I've told her to give it a few months and see if she still feels the same way. 

What a predicament. I'm sure if we do have a child there are loads of things I'll love about it, but I can't get my head around the complete 360 it'll have on my life. I feel like its something I can't say no to.

I probably have a different perspective on this to other posters, as someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them either. 

There are a number of difficult features of your situation. In the first place, I don't think it's just unremarkable or whatever for your wife to suddenly change her viewpoint in this single most fundamental of issues. Tons of marriages break down over this exact situation. All relationship counselling and advice stresses the importance of being on the same page about this topic before making a lifelong commitment, and that hasn't happened here. 

However, the issue is, whether this situation should have arisen in this way or not, it has arisen. And truthfully, nobody can tell you, only you know yourself. If you really don't want kids, now is the time to be upfront about it and you'll have to deal with the consequences, which should include the end of your relationship. Otherwise, if the marriage matters more, and you're more ambivalent about kids rather than dead-set against them, then maybe you need to just accept that this is going to happen and make a positive choice to make a success of it all. 

Whatever you choose, I wish you luck and hope you make the best choice for you. 

[lapal_fan]

Yea, tough choice @PompeyVillan.  Never nice to have these sort of situations spring up on you. 

I know I'm often very mushy and lovey on here about children and how much I love being "dad" (and I do!) - but having kids really is a strain on your relationship.  Now I've read that back and it seems incredibly cold and harsh and other things.  It's not quite like that, if you know what I mean (maybe other parents could explain better).  But there are a number of factors where you will disagree about things to do with your children, you have to hide that in front of them (my wife an I are basically World Tag Team Champions in front of our little one), but somewhere down the line you have to say "I don't think that was/is right" and discuss why.  

There's the constant item of who does what.  What does Jr want (mommy mostly!)?  But that means she doesn't get as much rest in the mornings, despite me waking up and going to his room, then he wants mom, so she has to get up and I go back to bed (sometimes) which can lead to bickering.  Then my one is at the age where he just tells tales on me "daddy is looking at me"/"daddy is poking me"/"daddy is being naughty" and whilst it's silly and pointless, you do feel like you have to justify yourself! 

Then, as @chrisp65 mentioned, bedtime is all going fine, until they go a bit silly, and I get over that by tickling or whatever, which leads to laughing, which leads to mom coming upstairs and saying "well this isn't very calming" and then because he's so different with her than he is me, it's like "look, why not just cuddle him and say goodnight?" - yeah right! 

But it's still good.  

This morning he was an absolute trumpet though, proper tantrum, probably his worst one.  

mfw;

[villakram]

Dear Dads,

Some details on the shut-off.

Regards,

Non-Dads

 

 

[chrisp65]

2 hours ago, villakram said:

Dear Dads,

Some details on the shut-off.

Regards,

Non-Dads

what's the shut off?

am I being dim?

 

[villakram]

30 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

what's the shut off?

am I being dim?

 

The after, e.g., marriage being the big one. In this case, it's the post baby version.

and yes 

[markavfc40]

9 minutes ago, villakram said:

The after, e.g., marriage being the big one. In this case, it's the post baby version.

and yes 

I'm in Chris's boat mate and wasn't sure what you were on about. I am still not sure but assume when you say shut off you mean sex being shut off after having kids?

If so I can only speak for myself and I have two kids 8 years apart and neither time has sex suffered after having them. Before someone else states the obvious it remained at once every eight years 

Seriously I guess it can have a big impact for some couples. Certainly you'll both be more tired due to getting up with a baby every few hours etc. You just have to try to still set aside time for yourselves, if an option maybe getting your parents to have the children overnight every so often, having the odd night away etc.

Edited October 30, 2017 by markavfc40

[chrisp65]

divided by a common language, not a clue what you're on about

do you mean sex?

 

ah, ok, sex - guess it's different for different people obvs

no, kids does not automatically stop anything, well the fact that people have more than 1 should point to that

stay fit, get some sleep, talk to each other, avoid over use of the midnight death grip smartphone wank

Edited October 30, 2017 by chrisp65

[AVFC_Hitz]

6 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

divided by a common language, not a clue what you're on about

do you mean sex?

[Rugeley Villa]

Kids never effected our sex life too much. It weren't great before we had kids tbf. The first couple of years was great then routine sets in. We was only on about it yesterday how it would be a nice thought to just go and get some fresh, but that's all it is, a nice thought. 

[rjw63]

9 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Kids never effected our sex life too much. It weren't great before we had kids tbf. The first couple of years was great then routine sets in. We was only on about it yesterday how it would be a nice thought to just go and get some fresh, but that's all it is, a nice thought. 

DHUTWU, or I can do it for ya

[TrentVilla]

45 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

DHUTWU, or I can do it for ya

You got any hair straighteners?