Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Rugeley Villa]

3 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

You have a new baby. 

I don't want to sound judgemental, but I can't reconcile that with your above post. At all. 

I know.

[Rugeley Villa]

14 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

You have a new baby. 

I don't want to sound judgemental, but I can't reconcile that with your above post. At all. 

The kids are happy and well looked after. It would just be better if I sorted myself out. I don't paint a very good picture  of myself I know. 

[mjmooney]

Well, it's easy for me to say, I've never been addicted to anything worse than Jaffa Cakes, so I don't really have a clue. Good luck with it anyway. 

[rjw63]

1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Going through some difficult times regarding substance and alcohol abuse which is also effecting mental health. Not asking for pity regarding that but just wanted some thought on whether I should feel angry or not. My wife knows how bad I am at the moment regarding everything and I'm at a point where I really want to stop and that I can't go on much longer like this. Drink is a huge trigger for me to use coke and I'm very weak when I'm around alcohol. My wife likes a drink and she's been saying she will try and stop to help me out. Anyway she's had a drink with a mate tonight, only a couple of glasses but it's still a drink. She then informs me that she's not going to stop drinking because she does not want to be controlled by my problems and it's her life. I said fair enough let's see how it goes and if it's too much for me I will move out for a bit until I'm sorted out and I feel comfortable being around drink,which could take a while. She said ok if that's what you need to do then fair enough but I'm definitely not stopping drinking. Feel a bit hurt by it tbf. Am I being too sensitive and trying to stop her having fun because I've got to try and stop the partying(if you want to call it that)? Maybe I'm not being fair on her but I thought we were a team. 

I think you both need to quit drinking, easy to say I know but the alternative isn't great is it?

[mikeyp102]

1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Going through some difficult times regarding substance and alcohol abuse which is also effecting mental health. Not asking for pity regarding that but just wanted some thought on whether I should feel angry or not. My wife knows how bad I am at the moment regarding everything and I'm at a point where I really want to stop and that I can't go on much longer like this. Drink is a huge trigger for me to use coke and I'm very weak when I'm around alcohol. My wife likes a drink and she's been saying she will try and stop to help me out. Anyway she's had a drink with a mate tonight, only a couple of glasses but it's still a drink. She then informs me that she's not going to stop drinking because she does not want to be controlled by my problems and it's her life. I said fair enough let's see how it goes and if it's too much for me I will move out for a bit until I'm sorted out and I feel comfortable being around drink,which could take a while. She said ok if that's what you need to do then fair enough but I'm definitely not stopping drinking. Feel a bit hurt by it tbf. Am I being too sensitive and trying to stop her having fun because I've got to try and stop the partying(if you want to call it that)? Maybe I'm not being fair on her but I thought we were a team. 

Ruge you've always said you and your mrs have had a volatile relationship, perhaps now is a time to have a break. I know you've got children and everything, but you and your mrs are obviously not singing from the song sheet. 

Think you need a serious thought of what you want and where you want to go. Obviously only you can answer that but it seens you're not good for each other 

[Demitri_C]

Not very supportive from your wife, if she wants a drink why not go elsewhere to have one? If you have problems with alcohol there should be no alcohol in the house to make you feel tempted- I know its not same scale but when me and my GF want to go on diets we unsure there is absolutely no chocolates, crisps or ice cream in the house if we feel tempted 

[BOF]

14 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Going through some difficult times regarding substance and alcohol abuse which is also effecting mental health. Not asking for pity regarding that but just wanted some thought on whether I should feel angry or not. My wife knows how bad I am at the moment regarding everything and I'm at a point where I really want to stop and that I can't go on much longer like this. Drink is a huge trigger for me to use coke and I'm very weak when I'm around alcohol. My wife likes a drink and she's been saying she will try and stop to help me out. Anyway she's had a drink with a mate tonight, only a couple of glasses but it's still a drink. She then informs me that she's not going to stop drinking because she does not want to be controlled by my problems and it's her life. I said fair enough let's see how it goes and if it's too much for me I will move out for a bit until I'm sorted out and I feel comfortable being around drink,which could take a while. She said ok if that's what you need to do then fair enough but I'm definitely not stopping drinking. Feel a bit hurt by it tbf. Am I being too sensitive and trying to stop her having fun because I've got to try and stop the partying(if you want to call it that)? Maybe I'm not being fair on her but I thought we were a team. 

The trouble with advice on t'internet is we're limited to advising based on what we're being told.  Now that's not to say you're not telling us stuff, but because we don't know the subtleties of the situation we might sometimes say something that you know to be off the mark. As long as you know it all comes from the best of intentions.

Now, with that out of the way.

You know yourself that you need to stop drinking at this moment in time.  If the drink stops then the coke stops and the mental health improves.  And; dare I say; so will the relationships in your life.  You'd assume a sober Ruge is going to be a more productive member of Chez Ruge.  Wifey will see it and kids will see it and you will see it.  I don't think an absentee Ruge would get the same benefits as resident Ruge would tbqh.

If (a tipsy) wifey is reluctant to join you, then you need to devise a plan for yourself.  Maybe if she saw your plan working then she might go along with it at a later date.  Maybe not, but either way, don't pin any failure to stop your drinking on to anyone else, because that's not being fair on yourself.  It may not be fair on them either, but it's certainly not being fair on you.  You need to help you at the moment, so the plan is for you.  If they help, great.  If they don't, you still need to do it.  But as I say above, if you can possibly do it IN the house then do it in the house.

Put your focus elsewhere.  I dunno.  Be (even) more active with the kids?  Take your strength from them. 

Make it goal driven too.  Do it for say a month.  Even promise yourself a (civilised) night out as a reward at the end so you've something to look forward to and psychologically knowing there's an end in sight will make it more likely to stay dry for the duration.  At the moment you're being controlled by beer.  All this is doing is giving the control back to you.

No-one is suggesting you give up forever.  That's not realistic or particularly desireable.  But learn to use it properly.  Everything will follow after that.  I can't advise re- the coke thing but triggers are triggers.  Maybe eliminate the opportunity to acquire it, and then it won't matter either way.

[choffer]

Wise BOF

[StefanAVFC]

This isn't the first time this forum has heard of your issues Ruge.

if I was her, I'd just had a baby and I could see my husband falling off the wagon yet again then I'd be fuming. Why would she put her life on hold and stop to help you when you'll just start drinking/using again six months down the line?

2 hours ago, Demitri_C said:

Not very supportive from your wife, if she wants a drink why not go elsewhere to have one? If you have problems with alcohol there should be no alcohol in the house to make you feel tempted- I know its not same scale but when me and my GF want to go on diets we unsure there is absolutely no chocolates, crisps or ice cream in the house if we feel tempted 

That's fine if it's the first time. But imagine you made these sacrifices over and over again and they kept going back to eating chocolate and crisps.

I'd only echo all of what BOF said above. I'm not entirely sure what other advice I can give. I think she's been remarkably patient with you to stay with you after everything Ruge. I know that's a bit harsh, but I think you need to be hear some harsh words with, as BOF says, the best intentions.

[BOF]

Also @Rugeley Villa I don't know if pent up aggression / energy is an issue too, so if you were looking for something to focus some of that on while adding something positive to your life I would recommend joining a gym.  You can do anything from punch the lard out of a punch bag to throwing yourself into lifting.  Maybe it's not something that would normally be on your radar but you'd be very surprised how cathartic, distracting, enjoyable and also positive for your mental health that it can be (release those endorphins).  I suggest it only in case it's something you'd not thought of to date.

[Designer1]

18 minutes ago, BOF said:

If (a tipsy) wifey is reluctant to join you, then you need to devise a plan for yourself.  Maybe if she saw your plan working then she might go along with it at a later date.

I think that's a key line there.

@Rugeley Villa  Do you think the missus simply believes you won't stick to it mate? And that's why she's reluctant to 'join in' so to speak? As Bri says, maybe if she saw you trying for a while she might help out? Just my tuppence like.

[Rugeley Villa]

8 minutes ago, BOF said:

Also @Rugeley Villa I don't know if pent up aggression / energy is an issue too, so if you were looking for something to focus some of that on while adding something positive to your life I would recommend joining a gym.  You can do anything from punch the lard out of a punch bag to throwing yourself into lifting.  Maybe it's not something that would normally be on your radar but you'd be very surprised how cathartic, distracting, enjoyable and also positive for your mental health that it can be (release those endorphins).  I suggest it only in case it's something you'd not thought of to date.

Rang up this morning for gym. Got my induction next week. I used to go the boxing club in my early days and I have thought about doing that again but I just feel a bit silly doing it.  It's probably low self esteem more than anything as to why I'd feel silly.

[Rugeley Villa]

7 minutes ago, Designer1 said:

I think that's a key line there.

@Rugeley Villa  Do you think the missus simply believes you won't stick to it mate? And that's why she's reluctant to 'join in' so to speak? As Bri says, maybe if she saw you trying for a while she might help out? Just my tuppence like.

She does not believe me and I don't blame her tbf. I just want to do myself and my family some justice as I know there is a better life for us all if I can sort myself out. Thanks for all the advice everyone. I know you lot get fed up of hearing the same shit all the time 

[Designer1]

Just now, Rugeley Villa said:

I just want to do myself and my family some justice as I know there is a better life for us all if I can sort myself out.

You couldn't ask for better motivation than that mate - good luck with it

[BOF]

6 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Rang up this morning for gym. Got my induction next week. I used to go the boxing club in my early days and I have thought about doing that again but I just feel a bit silly doing it.  It's probably low self esteem more than anything as to why I'd feel silly.

Ah, excellent stuff.   Don't worry about feeling silly.  You'll soon realise that it's not silly at all.  Everyone's doing their own thing in there, no-one is focussing on you and 99% of people are always willing to assist with advice or as spotters etc.  You'll be up to speed in no time, and there are subconscious benefits to simply being in a gym.  Things like just watching what you're eating, and obvious things like looking and feeling better

3 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I just want to do myself and my family some justice as I know there is a better life for us all if I can sort myself out.

To your credit this does seem to be the one constant that I get from your posts when you talk about your troubles.  Yes you have demons but you acknowledge them, and you try to fix them and you're honest enough with yourself (and with us) to admit to them.  Not everyone would be, so give yourself some credit there and stop beating yourself up (if in fact you are beating yourself up).

Or to put it better.  You've got this, Ruge

[Midfielder]

2 minutes ago, BOF said:

 You've got this, Ruge

Ive just logged on for 5 mins only read last couple pages.i like how on this site we all have the banter, but like brothers say what needs saying and after the "bants" it is straight up support and zero BS. 

@Rugeley Villa regarding demons mate, i have never actually fully said this to you but indirectly hinted only but you would be amazed how much i recognise in some of your posts, relate and totally understand, some not all. Now dont get me wrong, I am not talking about vacuums here. But if you ever want to (outside of your friends network, safe confidential) rant or unload or confess or just get something off your chest regarding the more chemical of demons give me a shout fella on the private message. I dont judge (i just save it for blackmail ;o) ). Know my stuff on this matter, personally and professionally. so You have all what said in the above posts, and "this" if ever need be. VT has your back, and all other backs too.

Probably very diff people you and I, but i bet if sat with a pint, we'd be there til closing, not short of topic. I'd have my guard up though, just in case your hypersexualised self misread the signals. I'll meet you sometime at VP next season fella, for sure. Get that lad Xela in the mix too and some others if up for it. But yeah, just gimme a shout about t'other matter if ever need be.

[magnkarl]

I'd like to echo what BOF is saying regarding physical health. Joining a gym, going for a jog, beating the shit out of a bag and all sorts of physical movement increases the chances of getting through this sort of thing. Some of the most disciplined sportsmen and women in the world have had issues like yours when they were younger - but being active and having an outlet physically helped them through it.

Make sure to track your physical improvement, it is very exhilarating to hit goals and it makes you feel up-beat about yourself. A sports tracker like fitbit is a great piece of tech for this. Also if you are tired you are less likely to want to go and have a wild night. One of the first things they implement in rehab is sleeping rhythm and daily schedules. If you have a rhythm it is very hard to break out of this and go on a wild night of doing drugs. 

Also, have a look into your vitamin count with a blood test - some studies suggest that a lack of certain vitamins increase cravings for both alcohol and drugs. Vitamin C seems linked to cocaine as it is the vitamin that helps energy release in your body. Being in the good range for all your vitamins might also have a positive effect.

Edited May 26, 2017 by magnkarl

[Xela]

21 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Going through some difficult times regarding substance and alcohol abuse which is also effecting mental health. Not asking for pity regarding that but just wanted some thought on whether I should feel angry or not. My wife knows how bad I am at the moment regarding everything and I'm at a point where I really want to stop and that I can't go on much longer like this. Drink is a huge trigger for me to use coke and I'm very weak when I'm around alcohol. My wife likes a drink and she's been saying she will try and stop to help me out. Anyway she's had a drink with a mate tonight, only a couple of glasses but it's still a drink. She then informs me that she's not going to stop drinking because she does not want to be controlled by my problems and it's her life. I said fair enough let's see how it goes and if it's too much for me I will move out for a bit until I'm sorted out and I feel comfortable being around drink,which could take a while. She said ok if that's what you need to do then fair enough but I'm definitely not stopping drinking. Feel a bit hurt by it tbf. Am I being too sensitive and trying to stop her having fun because I've got to try and stop the partying(if you want to call it that)? Maybe I'm not being fair on her but I thought we were a team. 

To be honest I think she is being unreasonable as if I had a partner with a drink problem, I wouldn't drink around them. No question or doubt.

However, she may feel let down by you if you constantly keep doing things you said you would stop doing.

Think you need to have a long frank discussion. 

All the best matey 

[MCU]

Sorry for the rant, just need somewhere I can let off some steam. I don't intend to come over as ungrateful but I feel like the world is out to get me at the moment. I feel as if each aspect of my life has fallen and sitting at rock bottom.

I'm currently in the process of selling my apartment because I can't afford to live here anymore. I'm due to move out in the next few weeks. Although it's probably the wrong decision, I've sought out every other possibility in order to keep it but the decision has been made and it's sold. I kind of take this as a blessing as I won't longer be stuck in a cycle of working just to pay bills and at last gives me the chance to move out of this town.

Selling the apartment has kind of hit me hard though with what I do next with my life. I expected either of my parents (who are separated) to take me back for a short time while I get my life back on track, however the general mood I was getting that they didn't particularly want me; which is totally cool as people move on. This kind of leaves my girlfriend, who has happily said I can move in with her parents for a while, in the meantime we potentially look at a place together to rent. The trouble is I can't find myself staying with her and I can't find it in myself to finish things with her at the moment. She's my emotional rock and feels like my best friend at the moment, but we don't get intimate anymore and I've kind of lost feelings towards her that way. I know I should end things but I don't feel stable enough to do it, and I get so lonely living in my place for years that her coming along was a blessing. 

Oh, and for the record I'm in a crappy paid job which, as I stated above, just about covers my bills leaving me with no car or much spending money to go out and enjoy. So I kind of feel broken and let down in all aspects of my life to be honest. I don't know where to start, all I know is I'm gonna be without my flat soon and most probably moving in with a girl I don't think I should be with. The feeling gets worse at times, especially when I see how successful my family are doing around me. Where do I start?

[Stevo985]

Sounds tough.

If I were you I'd be leaning on my parents for support there. Easier said than done if you think they don't want you, but sounds like the best solution would be to move in with one of them until you can find yourself a place you can afford.

If you move in with your gf then you'll find it much harder to end things. And if that's seriously where you think it's going then you should probably do that. I understand that's hard, so maybe you should be honest and talk to her about it. Tell her you don't really want to end things but you don't see where it's going.