Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[rodders0223]

On 26/05/2017 at 15:44, magnkarl said:

I'd like to echo what BOF is saying regarding physical health. Joining a gym, going for a jog, beating the shit out of a bag and all sorts of physical movement increases the chances of getting through this sort of thing. Some of the most disciplined sportsmen and women in the world have had issues like yours when they were younger - but being active and having an outlet physically helped them through it.

Make sure to track your physical improvement, it is very exhilarating to hit goals and it makes you feel up-beat about yourself. A sports tracker like fitbit is a great piece of tech for this. Also if you are tired you are less likely to want to go and have a wild night. One of the first things they implement in rehab is sleeping rhythm and daily schedules. If you have a rhythm it is very hard to break out of this and go on a wild night of doing drugs. 

Also, have a look into your vitamin count with a blood test - some studies suggest that a lack of certain vitamins increase cravings for both alcohol and drugs. Vitamin C seems linked to cocaine as it is the vitamin that helps energy release in your body. Being in the good range for all your vitamins might also have a positive effect.

I echo these sentiments, I went through a shit time 18 months ago and had noi motivation to do anything, would go home and just fall asleep and then be up all night. There was never anytime for anything and everything was a big deal. So I hit the gym, and it's amazing when you actually get out the house, get energised how much better you feel, how the cloud around your head goes away and how much more time there is in the day.

[alreadyexists]

On 02/06/2017 at 05:42, Warnock said:

Sorry for the rant, just need somewhere I can let off some steam. I don't intend to come over as ungrateful but I feel like the world is out to get me at the moment. I feel as if each aspect of my life has fallen and sitting at rock bottom.

I'm currently in the process of selling my apartment because I can't afford to live here anymore. I'm due to move out in the next few weeks. Although it's probably the wrong decision, I've sought out every other possibility in order to keep it but the decision has been made and it's sold. I kind of take this as a blessing as I won't longer be stuck in a cycle of working just to pay bills and at last gives me the chance to move out of this town.

Selling the apartment has kind of hit me hard though with what I do next with my life. I expected either of my parents (who are separated) to take me back for a short time while I get my life back on track, however the general mood I was getting that they didn't particularly want me; which is totally cool as people move on. This kind of leaves my girlfriend, who has happily said I can move in with her parents for a while, in the meantime we potentially look at a place together to rent. The trouble is I can't find myself staying with her and I can't find it in myself to finish things with her at the moment. She's my emotional rock and feels like my best friend at the moment, but we don't get intimate anymore and I've kind of lost feelings towards her that way. I know I should end things but I don't feel stable enough to do it, and I get so lonely living in my place for years that her coming along was a blessing. 

Oh, and for the record I'm in a crappy paid job which, as I stated above, just about covers my bills leaving me with no car or much spending money to go out and enjoy. So I kind of feel broken and let down in all aspects of my life to be honest. I don't know where to start, all I know is I'm gonna be without my flat soon and most probably moving in with a girl I don't think I should be with. The feeling gets worse at times, especially when I see how successful my family are doing around me. Where do I start?

Hi mate, it sounds to me like you're having trouble 'getting things out of your head', it's something I struggle with and have struggled with more so in the past. 

You can only make one decision at a time, some of those will have knock on effects, but if you keep thinking "if I do this, then this, then this" you'll drive yourself mad thinking of all the possible outcomes. There is something called mindfulness, and it's not everyone's thing but it's helped me stop those persistent thoughts, and let me focus on things. All it is is sort of clearing the mind and thinking about one small thing very intensely, sort of like meditation... there's a free app called headspace which I've used and would probably help you. It's just 5 mins or so a day, but it helps. Maybe give it a go?

I used to think very negative thoughts about myself, and any decisions I had to make usually resulted in me thinking 'well that's because I'm useless/stupid/crap' and so on. You need to try and break out of the cycle of negative thoughts; you are likely to have many more positive aspects than negative ones. I was so used to focusing on my negative points, I was ignoring the positives. Why not list some of your positive points, just the positive ones, list everything even the small minor stuff; maybe you're a good listener, kind, clever, loyal, funny, friendly... 

The issue with your girlfriend is a tricky one, you probably should make a decision on what to do, but you should keep reminding yourself that any decision you make will be the right one. As long as it is what you want, that's the only test. You can't lose if you do what you feel is right now. 

I hope things look up soon mate, just try to remember that no one controls how you feel about things expect yourself, if you let yourself be happy then you can be

 

[Xela]

On 6/2/2017 at 05:42, Warnock said:

Sorry for the rant, just need somewhere I can let off some steam. I don't intend to come over as ungrateful but I feel like the world is out to get me at the moment. I feel as if each aspect of my life has fallen and sitting at rock bottom.

I'm currently in the process of selling my apartment because I can't afford to live here anymore. I'm due to move out in the next few weeks. Although it's probably the wrong decision, I've sought out every other possibility in order to keep it but the decision has been made and it's sold. I kind of take this as a blessing as I won't longer be stuck in a cycle of working just to pay bills and at last gives me the chance to move out of this town.

Selling the apartment has kind of hit me hard though with what I do next with my life. I expected either of my parents (who are separated) to take me back for a short time while I get my life back on track, however the general mood I was getting that they didn't particularly want me; which is totally cool as people move on. This kind of leaves my girlfriend, who has happily said I can move in with her parents for a while, in the meantime we potentially look at a place together to rent. The trouble is I can't find myself staying with her and I can't find it in myself to finish things with her at the moment. She's my emotional rock and feels like my best friend at the moment, but we don't get intimate anymore and I've kind of lost feelings towards her that way. I know I should end things but I don't feel stable enough to do it, and I get so lonely living in my place for years that her coming along was a blessing. 

Oh, and for the record I'm in a crappy paid job which, as I stated above, just about covers my bills leaving me with no car or much spending money to go out and enjoy. So I kind of feel broken and let down in all aspects of my life to be honest. I don't know where to start, all I know is I'm gonna be without my flat soon and most probably moving in with a girl I don't think I should be with. The feeling gets worse at times, especially when I see how successful my family are doing around me. Where do I start?

Morning squire, sorry to hear things aren't great.

You need to start one step at a time. 

i think you need to lean on you folks a little more. Just be honest and ask if you can stay for a few weeks while you sort yourself out. 

Alternatively, once your place is sold and the mortgage is paid off are you left with anything? Perhaps you can put that money aside to buy a cheaper place or rent somewhere, perhaps in a shared home and lodge somewhere? (Do people still take in lodgers?). The lad who sits next to me at work lives in a shared house and he likes it but he is a social animal. I'd hate it as I value my own space! 

If you have any reservations about your missus then you don't want to move in with her. Are your doubts about her caused by the worry about your money situation? Maybe you'd feel different about her once you have sorted your living arrangements out? If not then you need to end it for both your sakes as being in a relationship of convenience is not good for you and  not fair on her. 

As for the job, get your CV freshened up and start applying. Only you can change that situation! 

All the best mate. 

[Villan_of_oz]

Here's a rant. 

Been on nights the last 2 weeks. Done 11 shifts plus few hours overtime. Today is my first day off in 5 days. 

Normally on a Monday the Mrs works then picks up her kids at 7pm, so I invited my best mate that I haven't seen for at least 3 months over for a beer. 

Got informed on my way out the door for work that because her ex is a useless rocket polisher she is picking the kids up at 2 and was coming home. 

I had a little blow up cos my mate isn't getting here til 1 and her kids are young and as much as I love them it's hard to relax and have a beer with them around.

So now I'm a selfish prick, because I asked her to go to her mums for a couple of hours after she gets the kids. I should also like to mention that on Tuesday I'm taking her daughter out for the day with me so the Mrs can have some time to herself. 

It's been 6 hours since I left for work. Usually when I'm wrong I'm calm down and realise I'm being a knob but not tonight I'm still fuming. 

She always accommodates the ex husband because he can't wait to get rid of his own kids. 

Put me in my place people am I being selfish wanting a few hours peace to catch up with a mate. 

PS bear in mind that when she goes to her mothers she won't have to do anything cos Granny dotes over her grandkids. 

Edited June 11, 2017 by Villan_of_oz

[rjw63]

1 hour ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Here's a rant. 

Been on nights the last 2 weeks. Done 11 shifts plus few hours overtime. Today is my first day off in 5 days. 

Normally on a Monday the Mrs works then picks up her kids at 7pm, so I invited my best mate that I haven't seen for at least 3 months over for a beer. 

Got informed on my way out the door for work that because her ex is a useless rocket polisher she is picking the kids up at 2 and was coming home. 

I had a little blow up cos my mate isn't getting here til 1 and her kids are young and as much as I love them it's hard to relax and have a beer with them around.

So now I'm a selfish prick, because I asked her to go to her mums for a couple of hours after she gets the kids. I should also like to mention that on Tuesday I'm taking her daughter out for the day with me so the Mrs can have some time to herself. 

It's been 6 hours since I left for work. Usually when I'm wrong I'm calm down and realise I'm being a knob but not tonight I'm still fuming. 

She always accommodates the ex husband because he can't wait to get rid of his own kids. 

Put me in my place people am I being selfish wanting a few hours peace to catch up with a mate. 

PS bear in mind that when she goes to her mothers she won't have to do anything cos Granny dotes over her grandkids. 

I think you're in the right, don't concede an inch!

[Villan_of_oz]

2 hours ago, rjw63 said:

I think you're in the right, don't concede an inch!

They are strange creatures, them women. Found a lovely msg on my phone when I finished work. Apparently she isn't upset at all. Is happy to go to her mums, is going to come home and cook dinner too cos she knows I'll be a bit pissy. 

Never cease to confuse the shite out me my missus, can't help but love her, neurotic behaviour and all. 

Edited June 11, 2017 by Villan_of_oz

[Demitri_C]

14 hours ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Here's a rant. 

Been on nights the last 2 weeks. Done 11 shifts plus few hours overtime. Today is my first day off in 5 days. 

Normally on a Monday the Mrs works then picks up her kids at 7pm, so I invited my best mate that I haven't seen for at least 3 months over for a beer. 

Got informed on my way out the door for work that because her ex is a useless rocket polisher she is picking the kids up at 2 and was coming home. 

I had a little blow up cos my mate isn't getting here til 1 and her kids are young and as much as I love them it's hard to relax and have a beer with them around.

So now I'm a selfish prick, because I asked her to go to her mums for a couple of hours after she gets the kids. I should also like to mention that on Tuesday I'm taking her daughter out for the day with me so the Mrs can have some time to herself. 

It's been 6 hours since I left for work. Usually when I'm wrong I'm calm down and realise I'm being a knob but not tonight I'm still fuming. 

She always accommodates the ex husband because he can't wait to get rid of his own kids. 

Put me in my place people am I being selfish wanting a few hours peace to catch up with a mate. 

PS bear in mind that when she goes to her mothers she won't have to do anything cos Granny dotes over her grandkids. 

could you not catch up with your mate in a pub for a beer?

[BOF]

1 hour ago, Demitri_C said:

could you not catch up with your mate in a pub for a beer?

Keep bending over further and further and eventually you'll break in half.

[Demitri_C]

15 minutes ago, BOF said:

Keep bending over further and further and eventually you'll break in half.

Not really if you just say ok im gonna go pub instead and meet my mate and show you dont give a shit.  Will probably piss her off but at same time prevent you from having a needless argument.

[Villan_of_oz]

1 hour ago, Demitri_C said:

could you not catch up with your mate in a pub for a beer?

For point but the issue was more that I had made plans that should've suited everyone. Why should I change what I'm doing cos the ex husband wants an early afternoon. 

[BOF]

No @Demitri_C I think you're not really understanding both sides there.  You're too quick to yield ground.  As @Villan_of_oz says above, it's like he's the one who has to make or break his own plans.  She can do, or not do, what she wants, when she wants and to hell with him.  It's selfish and inconsiderate, and if you keep setting a precedent you become a doormat.

 

[Villan_of_oz]

27 minutes ago, BOF said:

No @Demitri_C I think you're not really understanding both sides there.  You're too quick to yield ground.  As @Villan_of_oz says above, it's like he's the one who has to make or break his own plans.  She can do, or not do, what she wants, when she wants and to hell with him.  It's selfish and inconsiderate, and if you keep setting a precedent you become a doormat.

 

In fairness she wasn't difficult about it at all today, but yeah @BOF is right if I change plans this time then it means it more easily expected of me next time. The expectation should be on the ex having his kids when he his meant to.

As it stands caught up with my mate for a few hours, she got home with the kids. I've helped with dinner and the kids showers, made her a cuppa. All is well, just gotta stand your ground sometimes. 

[mottaloo]

@Villan_of_oz - not the right thread i know but i hope her ex didn't throw you off course with the dieting ? 

Tempting as it is to have that extra few beers to calm down 

[Stevo985]

So, funny story, I guess.

Another work night out last Friday. Got hammered.

The girl I mentioned before was there, looking amazing. I behaved myself, as discussed. Not going to pursue that, I've done the right thing.

 

I was so pissed when I got home that I was talking in my sleep. Including, amongst others but apparently most prominently, the name of this girl!
So now I have a very pissed off and paranoid girlfriend. Paranoid about the girl in question, even though I haven't actually done anything.

 

Serves me right I suppose.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Stevo985

[BOF]

12 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

So, funny story, I guess.

Another work night out last Friday. Got hammered.

The girl I mentioned before was there, looking amazing. I behaved myself, as discussed. Not going to pursue that, I've done the right thing.

I was so pissed when I got home that I was talking in my sleep. Including, amongst others but apparently most prominently, the name of this girl!
So now I have a very pissed off and paranoid girlfriend. Paranoid about the girl in question, even though I haven't actually done anything.

Serves me right I suppose.

Ah yes, the male's uncanny ability to hang one's self by being innocent.  You'd think evolution would have eliminated that trait by now.  Good luck with it  

[Villan_of_oz]

37 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

So, funny story, I guess.

Another work night out last Friday. Got hammered.

The girl I mentioned before was there, looking amazing. I behaved myself, as discussed. Not going to pursue that, I've done the right thing.

 

I was so pissed when I got home that I was talking in my sleep. Including, amongst others but apparently most prominently, the name of this girl!
So now I have a very pissed off and paranoid girlfriend. Paranoid about the girl in question, even though I haven't actually done anything.

 

Serves me right I suppose.

Not good mate, I once made the mistake of mentioning that a girl at work asked if I wanted to have a beer after work (I said no). It was a year and half ago and the remarks have only stopped recently. 

Girlfriends/Wives etc are most threatened by someone you work with, its because in reality you spend more time with them. Or at least on average you would spend more time with a work colleague than your partner. 

[Villan_of_oz]

1 hour ago, mottaloo said:

@Villan_of_oz - not the right thread i know but i hope her ex didn't throw you off course with the dieting ? 

Tempting as it is to have that extra few beers to calm down 

Today is my treat day......luckily

[Stevo985]

20 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Not good mate, I once made the mistake of mentioning that a girl at work asked if I wanted to have a beer after work (I said no). It was a year and half ago and the remarks have only stopped recently. 

Girlfriends/Wives etc are most threatened by someone you work with, its because in reality you spend more time with them. Or at least on average you would spend more time with a work colleague than your partner. 

She asked to see a picture of her, which I deftly batted away.

It's only a matter of time until she does. She'll freak  

[Villan_of_oz]

21 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

She asked to see a picture of her, which I deftly batted away.

It's only a matter of time until she does. She'll freak  

Wow mate she must be a stunner, you're in dangerous territory. Tread with caution.....

[BOF]

Well either that or, y'know, get closure on the whole threesome conversation