Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[lapal_fan]

2 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I don't see it as brave and I don't do it for attention, although being an addict I can be self centred and extremely selfish, but that's no excuse. I'm in the wrong mate, I've got three kids and I'm 34 not 21. I should be over the drug thing now as I took shit loads in my 20s. I'm open to criticism and I know all you lot on here are a good bunch.

It's just worry mate.

To be heartless, you're just another dude on the end of an anonymous message board, you could be ANYONE. But at the same time, reading the stuff you post related to this topic, it's just such a waste of emotions and money.

We get one life, live it to its full potential (wish I'd take my own advice on that!).

Best of luck, whatever happens. 

[MakemineVanilla]

36 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Been to one before and had a bad experience. Talking online is different to being sat in a room with a stranger and your wife talking about shit you don't feel comfortable with. Maybe I could try it again.

I can understand your reluctance to do counselling but have you considered doing Jordan Peterson's Self Authoring/Future Authoring programme.

It is a writing programme where you intensively write about your past to discover how you arrived where you are today and then when that part is complete you start writing about how you would like your future to be and about the outcome you dread.

Here's Peterson explaining the programme: https://youtu.be/qa9u5t3C0AI

And here's a guy doing a blog about how having done the programme, he is trying to improve his life, which includes trying to give up his weed habit: https://youtu.be/DcXJMur--Ic

It might not be for you but you might get some insights into working towards finding a solution to your problems.

 

[HanoiVillan]

Honestly @Rugeley Villa I don't think this is that hard of a decision. You've got two choices:

a] you do the counselling, which will be difficult to begin with but you may well end up finding useful, and your wife, who has made this request but knows you aren't comfortable with it, gives you lots of credit for stepping outside your comfort zone to save your marriage, or

b] you don't do the counselling, and if she doesn't demand that you leave immediately, she will store it as a bitter resentment and the next time you have a fight it will be another point of criticism and just another way in which (from her perspective) you failed her and failed your family. 

Just do the counselling. 

[TrentVilla]

Ruge,

Right fella. Chin up, chest out and fight for what you want and what you need in your life. Anything else let it go.

Only you can decide what fall into what category but right now you sound like a man that needs to focus on what really makes you happy.

I don't know you, but reading your posts your wife and kids fall into the first category, even if it doesn't feel that way right now about the wife. The drink and the drugs, they sound like they fall into the later.

It sounds to me like you are using them as a crutch, you lean on them when you are struggling. It sounds very much like you need to find a way to reconnect with your Mrs and start leaning on her rather than the booze and binges.

It also sounds like you could be an alcoholic. I think you should give your dependency on alcohol some really serious thought. You need to work out the scale of your issue and deal with it accordingly and accept that may well be a very uncomfortable self realisation.

The other piece of advice I'd give you is get out running, hit the gym, the pool. Whatever works for you. I can't emphasise how much physical activity changes your mental perspective, it can be life changing and it sounds like you need a new addiction, make it one that can help turn things around.

None of it is too late yet. It is still all in your grasp, grab it and don't let go. For your sake and for your kids.

Marriages fail, if yours fails then at least make sure you did everything and do mean everything in your power to try and make it work. You owe it to yourself, your Mrs and your kids. But one thing is a must, sort out your addictions or they'll break you. Do it for your kids, do it for yourself.

One day at a time Ruge, start tomorrow but start and make sure you hit that road rather than a bottle.

[PriceyDownunder]

I asked my wife to go to counselling with me once, many moons ago. She said "no", and that I was just seeing problems that weren't there.

Several months later, I asked her to go to counselling again. Again she said "no".

A further few months, and I was begging her now. But alas, she stubbornly said that as I was the one with the problem. And that I should go alone.

So I mustered up all my courage, and packed all my things, and left.

The following week, I got a call from her sister asking if I thought counselling was an option.

That was 15 years ago. And I've never been happier... Divorced her, married someone else (later), have a wonderful son, and a wonderful life...

Her loss.

Moral of the story? Do everything it takes, to keep what you want, before it's not there anymore. EVERYTHING...

Good luck fella...

[Genie]

7 hours ago, PriceyDownunder said:

Moral of the story? Do everything it takes, to keep what you want, before it's not there anymore. EVERYTHING...

Pretty much this, especially as a father. People always say "I'd do anything for my kids", "I'd die before I let anything bad happen to them" etc etc. This is one of those scenarios when you have to deliver on it.

[Rugeley Villa]

2 minutes ago, Genie said:

Pretty much this, especially as a father. People always say "I'd do anything for my kids", "I'd die before I let anything bad happen to them" etc etc. This is one of those scenarios when you have to deliver on it.

Definitely. Thing is I would die for my kids and Id take the worst illness known to man instead of them having it. All fathers would, but here I am saying this but I find myself still not putting them first.

[Rugeley Villa]

Thanks for everyone's replies, I mean **** all to any of you but you take the time to give me advice. Believe it or not, but I do take it on board. 

[TrentVilla]

 

I see VT as a family, you've got the close ones and then the ones you have to put up with, you've got the ones you only see a couple of times a year and there a few Uncle Nobby's. But families are imperfect as are we all.

Ive lost friends who saw no way out from their issues other than taking their own lives. They for whatever reason couldn't talk to people, perhaps if they had been part of a forum like this they could have raised their issues. Sometimes not knowing people makes it  easier.

Not that I'm saying you are at that point, far from it but I'm just explaining why people you've never met are there for you on the web. 

Now, you been for that run yet?

[Genie]

54 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Definitely. Thing is I would die for my kids and Id take the worst illness known to man instead of them having it. All fathers would, but here I am saying this but I find myself still not putting them first.

Thing is, saying "I'd die for them" or "I'd take an illness for them" is just so easy because it will never happen, you'll never have that choice to make. You do have a choice to make about them and your family now so the ball is very much in your court.

[mjmooney]

18 minutes ago, TrentVilla said:

there a few Uncle Nobby's. 

[Paddywhack]

2 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

That's immediately where I put myself.

[Rugeley Villa]

25 minutes ago, TrentVilla said:

 

I see VT as a family, you've got the close ones and then the ones you have to it up with, you've got the ones you only see a couple of times a year and there a few Uncle Nobby's. But families are imperfect as are we all.

Ive lost friends who saw no way out from their issues other than taking their own lives. They for whatever reason couldn't talk to people, perhaps if they had been part of a forum like this they could have raised their issues. Sometimes not knowing people makes it  easier.

Not that I'm saying you are at that point, far from it but I'm just explaining why people you've never met are there for you on the web. 

Now, you been for that run yet?

Good point. Could never say the things to my family the way I open up on here. My grandad, no way, he just wouldn't understand. My mum knows a bit about what's going on, she even caught me the other month doing coke in my old bedroom at her flat, but  although she obviously minds it's kind of one of them where she don't let on that she cares.  I've done counselling which has been hit and miss. There has been times my wife has been scared to leave me on my own after a session because I've been that down, and although I've had some horrible thoughts go through my head I could never take my own life whilst I have three beautiful kids. 

I tried running again last year but the recovery put me off. I'm good for **** all at the moment as I'm recovering from major ear surgery, shouldn't be at work really, but bills don't pay themselves. Exercise is great for body, mind and spirit  I do know that much. 

[Rugeley Villa]

3 minutes ago, Paddywhack said:

That's immediately where I put myself.

I'm the black sheep of the family 

[Rugeley Villa]

21 minutes ago, Genie said:

Thing is, saying "I'd die for them" or "I'd take an illness for them" is just so easy because it will never happen, you'll never have that choice to make. You do have a choice to make about them and your family now so the ball is very much in your court.

I suppose it's just an easy thing to say to justify other stuff. 

[Demitri_C]

51 minutes ago, TrentVilla said:

 

I see VT as a family, you've got the close ones and then the ones you have to put up with, you've got the ones you only see a couple of times a year and there a few Uncle Nobby's. But families are imperfect as are we all.

Ive lost friends who saw no way out from their issues other than taking their own lives. They for whatever reason couldn't talk to people, perhaps if they had been part of a forum like this they could have raised their issues. Sometimes not knowing people makes it  easier.

Not that I'm saying you are at that point, far from it but I'm just explaining why people you've never met are there for you on the web. 

Now, you been for that run yet?

Sorry to hear about your friends.  I can relate to this as lost a couple to depression.

Take this advice you are getting a lot of good advice on here. You control your own destiny dont go down the dark road its not too late

[StefanAVFC]

Not much I can add that hasn't already been said better, but for me, you don't want to be seen as a total deadbeat by your kids and resented, once they get old enough to realise,

If that isn't motivation enough to sort your shit, then I don't know what is.

[brommy]

22 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

Not much I can add that hasn't already been said better, but for me, you don't want to be seen as a total deadbeat by your kids and resented, once they get old enough to realise,

If that isn't motivation enough to sort your shit, then I don't know what is.

Kids realise things quicker than adults realise and if they don't, another kid will tell them from truth or rumour. As Stefan wrote, I'd hate for my kids to have thought of me as a 'deadbeat' or loser. Ruge's challenge will be to stop the abuse before his kids realise and he has another excuse not to stop - that his kids already know. That then risks his kids being more likely to go down the same abusive path.

[Rugeley Villa]

6 hours ago, brommy said:

Kids realise things quicker than adults realise and if they don't, another kid will tell them from truth or rumour. As Stefan wrote, I'd hate for my kids to have thought of me as a 'deadbeat' or loser. Ruge's challenge will be to stop the abuse before his kids realise and he has another excuse not to stop - that his kids already know. That then risks his kids being more likely to go down the same abusive path.

That's a big fear of mine and something me and my wife have spoken about. Either way I will hold myself responsible if my kids abuse drugs. I know a few old deadbeats and their kids have followed in their footsteps. I also know a few respectable people who have had trouble with drugs. I've had a reputation for drugs going back to my late teens so the damage is probably done regarding people gossiping, but that's not important.

[TrentVilla]

So... since posting what had happened have had a drink or taken anything?