rjw63 Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the **** car!!". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 A newly married couple are at church.After the service the wife goes up to the preacher and asks him. Can you please have a word with my husband.We have not been married long but he will not leave me alone,he wants sex all the time. So the preacher goes up to the husband and says. Preacher:You will have to practice some restraint with your wife.Dont have sex for a whole week or I will not allow you back in my church. The next sunday, the preacher goes up to the husband and says. Preacher:Well my son, did you manage to leave your wife alone for a whole week? Husband: Well father, I managed to restrain myself right up till saturday,then I saw my wife leaning into the freezer and her skirt came up and I could see the top of her legs and I couldent help myself,I had to take her while she was bending over the freezer. Preacher:Well my son,I am sorry but I cant allow you back in my church. Husband:Thats ok I am not allowed back into Tescoes either. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 A man answers his front door and there's a copper standing there holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" says the Plod. Shocked, the man says "Yes, it is". "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". "Yeah I know" says the man "but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave. "Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there. "Why? Because none of them have a sign saying '**** off back to your own country'. That's why". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post drat01 Posted September 4, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted September 4, 2020 I’m going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne..... After the dog ate the wife's wedding ring, she asked me to look through the dog poo to try and find it. I was not confident I would find anything, but I had to go through the motions ..... Bill Gates was going to name his next kid after the man he respects so much these days, Elon Musk. But he thought that would be stretching it a bit .... Anyone know how long hearing aids take to mend. Put mine in to be fixed ages ago, heard nothing back since..... The bloke who invented jigsaws has just passed away - his family are in pieces.... 4 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted September 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted September 4, 2020 Still trying to parse the Elon Musk one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OutByEaster? Posted September 4, 2020 Moderator Share Posted September 4, 2020 1 hour ago, drat01 said: I’m going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne..... This one is a winner! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted September 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted September 4, 2020 2 hours ago, mjmooney said: Still trying to parse the Elon Musk one... ElonGates 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted September 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted September 4, 2020 4 hours ago, drat01 said: I’m going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne..... Someone help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted September 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) 1 minute ago, il_serpente said: Someone help me. The sound a vibrating ruler makes: da-doigggnnnnn.... We're quits. Edited September 4, 2020 by mjmooney 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Genie Posted September 4, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted September 4, 2020 Just now, mjmooney said: The sound a vibrating ruler makes: da-doigggnnnnn.... We're quits. I thought that, but then I thought it’s not funny, then I looked at the poster and it clicked. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 5 hours ago, drat01 said: I’m going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne..... After the dog ate the wife's wedding ring, she asked me to look through the dog poo to try and find it. I was not confident I would find anything, but I had to go through the motions ..... Bill Gates was going to name his next kid after the man he respects so much these days, Elon Musk. But he thought that would be stretching it a bit .... Anyone know how long hearing aids take to mend. Put mine in to be fixed ages ago, heard nothing back since..... The bloke who invented jigsaws has just passed away - his family are in pieces.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted September 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Genie said: I thought that, but then I thought it’s not funny, then I looked at the poster and it clicked. This was funnier than any of the jokes in said post 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enda Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 5 hours ago, Enda said: A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" Old folk are going to love hearing that one resurface! 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OutByEaster? Posted September 5, 2020 Moderator Share Posted September 5, 2020 10 hours ago, Enda said: A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" Halley's comet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post 8pints Posted September 5, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted September 5, 2020 "The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger up the bum of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth. The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger in right up to the knuckle, as the teacher insisted, and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said, "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail." "I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know," the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase and left the room, "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead." 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bielesibub Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 51 minutes ago, 8pints said: "The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger up the bum of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth. The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger in right up to the knuckle, as the teacher insisted, and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said, "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail." "I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know," the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase and left the room, "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead." Bum.. tish... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veloman Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 I have been trying to understand this LGBTQ business; but I can't get a straight answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted September 7, 2020 Share Posted September 7, 2020 "Mom I think my eggs off" "Shut up and keep eating it" "Do I have to eat the beak as well" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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