colhint Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 They say a womans work is never done. I wonder if that's why they get paid less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 A little girl goes to the barber with her father. When his turn comes, she stands next to the chair eating a cake. The barber says to her "You're going to get hair on your muffin". "I know" she says, "I'm going to get tits as well." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 3 months in lock down, who would have thought that 3 months of uncut hair could weigh 2 stone 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Amazon driver knocked the door and said he had a parcel for next door I said Your at the wrong **** house then aren't you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 John is lost in the desert and he ran out of water about 9 hours ago.An Arab comes riding by on a camel. John: Water, please give me water. Arab: Sorry I havent got any spare water but I can sell you a tie. John: I dont want a tie I want water. Arab:Sorry I cant help you there.And he rides off. A few hours later another Arab comes riding by on a camel. John:Water Im so thirsty give me water. Arab:Sorry I havent got any spare water but I can sell you a tie. John:I dont want a tie,I need water. Arab:Sorry,cant help you,and rides off. A few hours later John gets to the top of a sand dune and sees a tavern in the distance.He staggers,crawls and stumbles to the tavern and crawls in the door. John:Water please give me water. The barttender says:Sorry we dont serve anyone without a tie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Troglodyte Posted June 3, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted June 3, 2020 34 minutes ago, PussEKatt said: John is lost in the desert and he ran out of water about 9 hours ago.An Arab comes riding by on a camel. John: Water, please give me water. Arab: Sorry I havent got any spare water but I can sell you a tie. John: I dont want a tie I want water. Arab:Sorry I cant help you there.And he rides off. A few hours later another Arab comes riding by on a camel. John:Water Im so thirsty give me water. Arab:Sorry I havent got any spare water but I can sell you a tie. John:I dont want a tie,I need water. Arab:Sorry,cant help you,and rides off. A few hours later John gets to the top of a sand dune and sees a tavern in the distance.He staggers,crawls and stumbles to the tavern and crawls in the door. John:Water please give me water. The barttender says:Sorry we dont serve anyone without a tie. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted June 3, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted June 3, 2020 5 hours ago, PussEKatt said: John is lost in the desert and he ran out of water about 9 hours ago.An Arab comes riding by on a camel. John: Water, please give me water. Arab: Sorry I havent got any spare water but I can sell you a tie. John: I dont want a tie I want water. Arab:Sorry I cant help you there.And he rides off. A few hours later another Arab comes riding by on a camel. John:Water Im so thirsty give me water. Arab:Sorry I havent got any spare water but I can sell you a tie. John:I dont want a tie,I need water. Arab:Sorry,cant help you,and rides off. A few hours later John gets to the top of a sand dune and sees a tavern in the distance.He staggers,crawls and stumbles to the tavern and crawls in the door. John:Water please give me water. The barttender says:Sorry we dont serve anyone without a tie. 18th June 1977. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 18 hours ago, sidcow said: 18th June 1977. Now I thought it was older than that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted June 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted June 4, 2020 20 minutes ago, Robtaylor200 said: Now I thought it was older than that Probably but that's the first time I heard it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted June 4, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted June 4, 2020 I originally came across that one in the form of a cartoon - near-dead bloke crawling towards a bar in a desert oasis, with a "Free cold beer - no entry without tie" sign. And an arab bloke with a stall round the back advertising "Ties - £500 each". I think it was probably in a "mens" magazine, certainly in the 1970s. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 As we seem short on new jokes, this is my very favourite old joke A guy and his wife were reading the evening paper. She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog £50, He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much. But he called and the lady who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty “Only £50 are you sure he is a pedigree” the man said “Oh! Yes” said the lady “why don’t you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French” The dog looked at the man and said “Why don’t you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don’t want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here. I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in. I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over,£1,000,000 of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension” “Wow” said the man “why do you want to get rid of this dog” “Because he’s Bloody liar,” said the woman 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Made a face mask out of one of Mrs Ts old bras, used the left cup. I didn't want to look like a right tit 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 5 minutes ago, PussEKatt said: Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Xela Posted June 7, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 7, 2020 Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds, reluctantly I agreed and got them a packet. I handed them over and you oughta have heard the aggressive abuse! So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Lifeboats Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I have spent the day removing offensive statues from my neighbourhood and throwing them in the river. My neighbour is livid. She really liked those gnomes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 On 07/06/2020 at 20:14, Xela said: Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds, reluctantly I agreed and got them a packet. I handed them over and you oughta have heard the aggressive abuse! So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages! That's bloody funny I'm nicking that 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 The wife said "I'm going to bed, are you coming?" "No, but I will shortly" I replied as I switched on the computer. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) This was sent to me last night, I thought it was the funniest thing I had seen for ages. Mind you it had been a rough week and I was pissed Edited June 13, 2020 by Robtaylor200 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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