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drat01 last won the day on December 18 2013

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  1. I’m going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne..... After the dog ate the wife's wedding ring, she asked me to look through the dog poo to try and find it. I was not confident I would find anything, but I had to go through the motions ..... Bill Gates was going to name his next kid after the man he respects so much these days, Elon Musk. But he thought that would be stretching it a bit .... Anyone know how long hearing aids take to mend. Put mine in to be fixed ages ago, heard nothing back since..... The bloke who invented jigsaws has just passed away - his family are in pieces....
  2. Some of you may remember Pete Bosworth from the early days of VT. He has been particlularly bad with the Virus and has been in the ICU - Good news now though on his progress, still some way to go but fingers crossed etc
  3. Just been to the doctors and told him that I keep thinking I am a pirate, he said we can cure that and gave me a patch He said I was overweight, I said that was due to a dripping tap I have. Ooooh how I love dripping While there I had a genealogy test, turns out I am related to Aladdin My uncle who's a lion tamer has fallen on hard times, the bank have made him bankrupt and taken everything except the animals. At least he still has his pride The Twitter world champion for contributions has died, we shall not see his like again
  4. Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat”. She said. “No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”. Waitress: Are you ready to order? Me: My wife is in the ladies. Waitress: Do you know what she's having? Me: Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit! I've joined a band called 'the Foreskins' We mostly play cheesy covers When I applied to Citroën for a job, they insisted I send in 2 cvs. At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I didn't know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody..... I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. That’s Heinz sight for you
  5. Let's say a big welcome to the new chairman of the British Budgerigar Society.... Hugh Zapritti-Boyden!
  6. I loved it when Leo Sayer said I looked like Sam from cheers - he made me feel like Danson
  7. As a kid I used to play at the tyre dump - ahh those were good years I knew once I did it I shouldn’t have rubbed ketchup in my eyes - but that’s Heinz sight for you
  8. The average size of a male midget is 132 cm (4.33 ft)It's a little gnome fact. I've just been adding 4 Fisherman's Friends to 13 Lockets then subtracting 7 Tunes - all in my head. It's a bit of menthol arithmetic. I was in the nat west bank in manchester yesterday The woman behind the counter started singing "Downtown". I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk." We just got in, and someone has stolen all the new turf we had laid last week. My wife is out there at the moment, looking forlorn.
  9. I have a blind spot ..... worst guide dog ever One of our kids just got their GCSE results - last time I heard that many D's match of the day was starting In science the saturation point at which grated cabbage can no longer absorb Mayonnaise is known as Cole's Law I once dated a red head ... no hair just a red head. Everyone thought it was a perfect match I've got a talking dog, last night at the Karaoke he was booed off stage when singing "its oh so quiet" - suppose his Bkork s worst than his bite I just sold my old Mic on ebay, so annoyed no feedback
  10. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many.” “That one is a freebie.” I'm out Birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor today. So far it's been 7 owls and 15 Jays Just called the Sea Life Centre for some tickets. They said my call would be recorded for training porpoises. A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar. The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!" Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty bodies. I get a thrill out of stealing kitchen utensils. I'm a whisk taker.
  11. What is plastic and sings? Polly Murrs This morning, a French man said 'beaucoup' to me, which means a lot. I saw a baby horse disguised using a wig and a false moustache earlier - it was a foal’s pretense. A big tree fell on me once, it had some jokes scratched into the side that was facing away from me. It was difficult at the time, but looking back I can cedar funny side. I suspect my wife has a new job vending the hard outer casing of crustaceans at the beach, though it's really hard to say. I saw an ice cream dessert going through a bereavement earlier. It really looked like it was going through a tough time, so I think Lionel Ritchie was mistaken. Maybe I'm being paranoid but there are 5 Peruvian owls sat on a fence looking in my window.....I think they're Inca hoots I've lost the packaging for my anti-stress medication. I just don't know how much more I can take. Some people say that a Giant Sequoia is better than a Bonsai, but that’s just bigotry.
  12. I met this guy from Italy who was really strict about his diet. His name was Only One Cannoli. My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song. Her friend Eileen wasn't to happy about it. In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack. Those damn mooselimbs. I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie. I think it was filmed in a cinema though, I see a little silhouetto of a man.
  13. went into an Indian restaurant, waiter asked "curry OK?" - I replied "I might do summer loving after I have finished my meal"
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