JohnCresswell Posted January 24, 2004 Posted January 24, 2004 Ok, I've wanted to do this for a while... "I bumped into an old friend the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets." "A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.' " "I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' " "A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' " "A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said 'Well, don't go there any more!' " "A man walked into the doctors. The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time?' The man replied 'I know, I've been ill.' " "I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy." I've gotta say - that last one is bloody brilliant
ligs Posted January 24, 2004 Posted January 24, 2004 What's blue and orange and found at the bottom of a swimming pool??? A baby with burst armbands. Sorry :oops:
lexicon Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 Bear walks into the pub, says to the barman "id like a pint of lager.......... and some pork scratchings" , barman says "why the big paws?"
Guest RantinRob Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 Rabbit........you're about as funny as a dose of syphilis
Risso Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other.... "Can you smell fish?"
MarkE Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other.... "Can you smell fish?" They told that on 5live back in the days when John Inverdale did the Drivetime slot...and I'm ashamed to admit it took me about three days to get it.
IainG Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 Yeah took me a couple of days too... :? There's also a story about a magic tractor that drove down a country lane and turned into a field.
BillyShears Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 .....or the man who had his house made backwards so he could watch the telly
camilo_marin21 Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 to kill a mime, would you need a silencer?
camilo_marin21 Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 the phone rings: -Hello? is it you? -No, it's me -Sorry, wrong number
JohnCresswell Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 to kill a mime, would you need a silencer? Brilliant
BillyShears Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 If you travelled at the speed of light in a car and put your lights on, would anything happen? (Steven Wright)
MattS Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 How many poms does it take to..... oops forgot who I was talking to
LancsVillan Posted January 26, 2004 Moderator Posted January 26, 2004 How many poms does it take to..... oops forgot who I was talking to Poms, so you're an Aussie that explains a lot :wink:
paddy Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson? one was the first man on the moon... ...the other touches kids (allegedly) what's brown and sticky? a stick (wahey!)
camilo_marin21 Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 if there are reserved rights... what about the left ones?
camilo_marin21 Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 if a snake bits its own tongue, does it die?
camilo_marin21 Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 hey if these aren't funny just let me know, so i post some more
camilo_marin21 Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 have you heard about the bomb that fell on an iraki cemetery? lots of dead ppl got hurt... sorry :oops:
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