BOF Posted October 2, 2020 Moderator Share Posted October 2, 2020 Slight mod @rjw63 My six-year-old daughter was watching me shave this morning. "Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired. "Because mummy likes me with nice smooth skin" I explained. "Here have a feel". "Oh that is smooth. Does it hurt?" she asked. "No, not at all" I said "Unless I cut myself". "And then do you put a Band-Aid on?" she asked. "No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts" I told her. "But don't they just fall off?" "No, sweetheart" I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on". #dark 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 4 minutes ago, BOF said: Slight mod @rjw63 My six-year-old daughter was watching me shave this morning. "Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired. "Because mummy likes me with nice smooth skin" I explained. "Here have a feel". "Oh that is smooth. Does it hurt?" she asked. "No, not at all" I said "Unless I cut myself". "And then do you put a Band-Aid on?" she asked. "No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts" I told her. "But don't they just fall off?" "No, sweetheart" I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on". #dark And I thought I was sick 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted October 2, 2020 Share Posted October 2, 2020 10 hours ago, rjw63 said: I was squashed up next to a stunning Asian girl on the tube and I could feel myself getting hard. We were that tight together she couldn't help but notice it. "Your cock is very hard, isn't it?" she said to me "Yes, I'm very sorry " I told her. "Don't be" she replied "mine is as well". Go on... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 A hunter goes out loaded for bear. As he's walking a ridge he sees a large brown bear in the thick brush below. He takes aim, fires and the bear drops into the underbrush. The hunter climbs down the rocky face of the ridge in search of his quarry. As he is skulking around, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and the bear snatches his rifle and pushes him to the ground. "You missed me. Forest law says that I am now allowed to eat you. However, if you would prefer to live, I could **** you in the arse and let you go?" The hunter thinks it over and opts for sodomy. The bear obliged and leaves with the rifle. The next day the hunter is thinking it over and decides to go back to that ridge and kill the bear for this atrocity. So, he gets a bigger gun and sets out. After a few hours he spots the bear in the valley, aims, and fires. This time the bear lets out a roar as he falls into the brush. The hunter runs down to confirm the kill and as he is pushing through the brush, he feels a tap on his shoulder. "You missed me. What's it gonna be?" As the hunter is readying himself for the afterlife, he thinks of his friends and his dog and decides he wants to live. So the bear **** him, takes his gun, and runs off. The next day the hunter is thinking it over and he just can't let the bear get away with this. So he gets a grenade and suits up in camouflage. He knows the bear will expect him to be on the ridge so he heads straight for the valley and waits. He waits for a while when he feels a tap on his shoulder... "Mate, I don't think you're coming out here for the hunting"... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted October 6, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted October 6, 2020 58 minutes ago, rjw63 said: A hunter goes out loaded for bear. As he's walking a ridge he sees a large brown bear in the thick brush below. He takes aim, fires and the bear drops into the underbrush. The hunter climbs down the rocky face of the ridge in search of his quarry. As he is skulking around, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and the bear snatches his rifle and pushes him to the ground. "You missed me. Forest law says that I am now allowed to eat you. However, if you would prefer to live, I could **** you in the arse and let you go?" The hunter thinks it over and opts for sodomy. The bear obliged and leaves with the rifle. The next day the hunter is thinking it over and decides to go back to that ridge and kill the bear for this atrocity. So, he gets a bigger gun and sets out. After a few hours he spots the bear in the valley, aims, and fires. This time the bear lets out a roar as he falls into the brush. The hunter runs down to confirm the kill and as he is pushing through the brush, he feels a tap on his shoulder. "You missed me. What's it gonna be?" As the hunter is readying himself for the afterlife, he thinks of his friends and his dog and decides he wants to live. So the bear **** him, takes his gun, and runs off. The next day the hunter is thinking it over and he just can't let the bear get away with this. So he gets a grenade and suits up in camouflage. He knows the bear will expect him to be on the ridge so he heads straight for the valley and waits. He waits for a while when he feels a tap on his shoulder... "Mate, I don't think you're coming out here for the hunting"... **** hell Roberto, that's older than Mooney! 1 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 hour ago, rjw63 said: The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first... Are all your posts going to be about penises and anal s*x Rob? Is there something you want to get off your chest, you’re amongst friends here. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 21 minutes ago, Genie said: Are all your posts going to be about penises and anal s*x Rob? Is there something you want to get off your chest, you’re amongst friends here. Just a normal day for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Nigel Posted October 11, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 11, 2020 My wife left me because of my insecurities. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea 4 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 Having a couple of beers last night and there was a knock on the door, When I opened it a 6 foot cockroach was standing there and he punched me in the nose. The following day after my 4th pint another knock on the door and the same cockroach was there and again punched me on the nose The next morning, I went to see the doctor and said I thought I was hallucinating when drunk. He said no. Actually, there is a nasty bug going around 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted October 11, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted October 11, 2020 My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Xann Posted October 12, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 12, 2020 Can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was. 4 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 On my wedding day, my new mother-in-law took me to one side and said: "be gentle tonight with our Karen, she's got acute angina." Me: "She's got a smashing pair of tits as well." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 12, 2020 Moderator Share Posted October 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Xann said: Can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was. I may need to steal that. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted October 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted October 12, 2020 If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know? I need to borrow some chairs. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted October 13, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 13, 2020 Glass coffins......will they become popular? Remains to be seen. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TreeVillan Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 On 12/10/2020 at 16:30, Xann said: Can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was. Genius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 15, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted October 15, 2020 I asked a hundred women what their favourite shampoo was and the number one answer was "GET THE **** OUT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 15, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted October 15, 2020 On 12/10/2020 at 16:30, Xann said: Can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was. It's taken me three days to get this joke but I got there in the end 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted October 15, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 15, 2020 My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver. Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it. 2 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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