rjw63 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Wow! in all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by, what can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blandy Posted August 10, 2018 Moderator Share Posted August 10, 2018 29 minutes ago, rjw63 said: A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Wow! in all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by, what can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel. Not a pint of Stoat, then? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatAboutTheFinish Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 ^ I think you two otter be thrown out for those efforts. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) A Bob Mortimer pretending to be Peter Beardsley joke; I went to the Dr's the other day and said "I feel like a cricketer" He said "How's that then?" I said "Oh **** off! Not you an'all" And; I went to the Dr's and told him "I've got 5 penis's" he said "Well how'd your trousers fit?" I said "Like a glove thanks" Edited August 10, 2018 by lapal_fan 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted August 13, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted August 13, 2018 The (apparently) best jokes from this year's Edinburgh festival. With most of them I guess you had to be there: Quote Athena Kugblenu: Patriarchy is putting Jane Austen on £10 notes the same time as bringing in contactless. Christian Talbot: Sometimes even I don’t understand feminism. And I’m a guy. Jez Watts: I don’t know why, but for some reason all the cheeses in the dairy aisle have been named after porn search categories: Vintage, Natural, Hard, Semi-hard, Mature, Blue Vein, Goat. Felicity Ward: I have a lot in common with post-first world war Germany. We both went through a great depression in our 20s. Then in our 30s a nice man came along. Great facial hair. I’m hoping for the best. Angela Barnes: When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad. Ken Cheng: In school I had the nickname “the human calculator”, which meant bullies would come up to me, say the number 5318008, lift me upside down and not let me go until I said the word “boobies”. Aatif Nawaz: Just learned what perineums are. Let’s just say it’s nothing to do with Nando’s. Rosie Jones: During birth, my shoulder got stuck coming out. Well, it was the 80s. Matt Rees: No good at talking to women. I’m 28 and recently my grandmother and I had the “are you gay?” conversation. She isn’t. Chris Turner: “Never Apologise! Never Explain!” – Sorry, that’s my motto. https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2018/aug/13/edinburgh-festival-2018-the-10-best-jokes 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Troglodyte Posted August 13, 2018 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted August 13, 2018 Oh, and the edited version for @a m ole: Quote Athena Kugblenu: Patriarchy is putting Jane Austen on £10 notes. Christian Talbot: Sometimes even I don’t understand feminism. Jez Watts: I don’t know why, but for some reason all the cheeses in the dairy aisle have been named after porn search categories. Felicity Ward: I have a lot in common with post-first world war Germany. Angela Barnes: When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Ken Cheng: In school I had the nickname “the human calculator”. Aatif Nawaz: Just learned what perineums are. Rosie Jones: During birth, my shoulder got stuck coming out. Matt Rees: No good at talking to women. I’m 28 and recently my grandmother and I had the “are you gay?” conversation. Chris Turner: “Never Apologise! Never Explain!” 3 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 2 hours ago, Troglodyte said: Oh, and the edited version for @a m ole: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I see that security is being reviewed just because someone stole a plane. I nicked a sander once and no f*cker even noticed! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I was a really effeminate when I was child. My dad bought me an action man to try and toughen me up, but instead of dressing him in all the soldiers clothes that come with it, I shoved it up my arse. (An Adam Hess joke, my favourite one from the Edinburgh fringe) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted August 15, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted August 15, 2018 I've just been told I have the World Record for the longest fishing line. I'm still reeling. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Stevo985 Posted August 16, 2018 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted August 16, 2018 Astronaut 1: Errr, mate. I'm trying to make a cup of coffee but I can't find any milk. Astronaut 2: In space, no-one can. Here, use cream. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted August 16, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted August 16, 2018 On 13/08/2018 at 19:24, AvfcRigo82 said: I see that security is being reviewed just because someone stole a plane. I nicked a sander once and no f*cker even noticed! That reminds me of the classic... If you are ever struggling to get assistance in b&Q simply head to the chainsaw isle and try to start one up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 16, 2018 Moderator Share Posted August 16, 2018 Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee. Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OutByEaster? Posted August 16, 2018 Moderator Share Posted August 16, 2018 *cough* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted August 17, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted August 17, 2018 Personally I like to use a different deodorant for each armpit. But that's just my two scents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 17, 2018 Moderator Share Posted August 17, 2018 7 hours ago, Troglodyte said: Personally I like to use a different deodorant for each armpit. But that's just my two scents. I only spray one arm pit. That's mine. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted August 17, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted August 17, 2018 50 minutes ago, BOF said: I only spray one arm pit. That's mine. If that's a spur of the moment response, bravo, sir. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Albrighton Posted August 17, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted August 17, 2018 I’ve just been to the doctors regarding my fear of giants. Apparently it’s called Feefiphobia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 (edited) I see thieves have stolen £850,000 worth of Red Bull energy drink in a staggering heist in Belgium! How do those bastards sleep at night!? Edited August 17, 2018 by AvfcRigo82 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post AvfcRigo82 Posted August 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted August 17, 2018 Just been to get a loaf of bread which cost £1.03p and I gave the grumpy looking bitch at the till a £20 note. She said in her dull tone "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change." I said "no sorry, but I can pay on card if that helps?" She sarcastically responds "of course it would help" So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please!" "How much?" She asked. I said "£18.97" 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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