WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[PussEKatt]

What do you call a IT teacher that touches up his students ?

a PD File 

[PussEKatt]

I have been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesent cure the sunburn but it keeps the sheet off my legs.

[villa4europe]

i started reading a horror story in braille, something bad is about to happen, i can feel it

[villa4europe]

My career advisor asked "have you you ever thought about a job cleaning mirrors?"

I said "i can see myself doing that"

Im here all week

[Robtaylor200]

My girlfriend will not marry me until I lose my obsession for ambulances

So I am going to book a romantic meal, buy some flowers and in the middle of the restaurant.

I am going to get down on one Knee naw nee naw nee naw 

[AvfcRigo82]

And so Bono loses his voice during the U2 concert.

Well tonight thank god its him, instead of you..........

[imavillan]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African

walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinising the group,

"but you can't come in here without a Thai".

[Straggler]

 

I can't help it, I did laugh.

[Straggler]

 

 

 

 

 

[Robtaylor200]

Funny but absolutely true

My niece got married recently to a member of a local well known "hard family" many brothers involved 3 of the brothers play football for a local Sunday pub team

I was asking her husband how they got on last on last week, He said it all kicked off big time, one of the brothers got tackled heavily and dropped the other guy with a single punch. Then both teams started fighting, the Ref got nutted and one of the linesman kicked in the bollocks. An ambulance had to be called and the match got abandoned 

I said "So what happens now, is the game forfeited or do you have to replay it"

No he said "It was only a friendly " 

[PriceyDownunder]

Need your help, fellas.

Recently started attending trivia nights with the missus and a couple of others.

At the half way point, my son (age 11) is invited to tell a joke. Which goes down really well.

So much so that it's become expected every week now.

So, we need some more material.

Just short ones like: What does... or, Why did... etc. 

Last night's was : What did Stephen Hawking get on his IQ test? - Just a little bit of dribble.

Previously : What's long and limp and hangs just in front of an arsehole? - Donald Trump's tie.

And: Why do dwarfs laugh when playing football? - 'cos the grass tickles their balls.

Just a little inappropriate and/or risque for an 11 year old - which makes them go down all the better - but not too adult as to shock. And kids jokes just won't cut it with this audience.

Thought I'd come here first, and I've been "browsing" the 394 pages here, but does anyone have any other suggestions?

Thanks in advance...

 

[Stevo985]

1 hour ago, PriceyDownunder said:

Need your help, fellas.

Recently started attending trivia nights with the missus and a couple of others.

At the half way point, my son (age 11) is invited to tell a joke. Which goes down really well.

So much so that it's become expected every week now.

So, we need some more material.

Just short ones like: What does... or, Why did... etc. 

Last night's was : What did Stephen Hawking get on his IQ test? - Just a little bit of dribble.

Previously : What's long and limp and hangs just in front of an arsehole? - Donald Trump's tie.

And: Why do dwarfs laugh when playing football? - 'cos the grass tickles their balls.

Just a little inappropriate and/or risque for an 11 year old - which makes them go down all the better - but not too adult as to shock. And kids jokes just won't cut it with this audience.

Thought I'd come here first, and I've been "browsing" the 394 pages here, but does anyone have any other suggestions?

Thanks in advance...

 

Just stand up and say "plethora"

If your son is as funny as you say he is, he'll know what to do.

[GarethRDR]

1 hour ago, PriceyDownunder said:

Need your help, fellas.

Recently started attending trivia nights with the missus and a couple of others.

At the half way point, my son (age 11) is invited to tell a joke. Which goes down really well.

So much so that it's become expected every week now.

So, we need some more material.

Just short ones like: What does... or, Why did... etc. 

Last night's was : What did Stephen Hawking get on his IQ test? - Just a little bit of dribble.

Previously : What's long and limp and hangs just in front of an arsehole? - Donald Trump's tie.

And: Why do dwarfs laugh when playing football? - 'cos the grass tickles their balls.

Just a little inappropriate and/or risque for an 11 year old - which makes them go down all the better - but not too adult as to shock. And kids jokes just won't cut it with this audience.

Thought I'd come here first, and I've been "browsing" the 394 pages here, but does anyone have any other suggestions?

Thanks in advance...

 

Does he know the Aristocrats joke?

[StefanAVFC]

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took away her wheelchair

 

Guess who came crawling back

[StefanAVFC]

DC fans label Jessica Biel selfish after she refuses to name her son 'Batmo'

[PriceyDownunder]

15 hours ago, GarethRDR said:

Does he know the Aristocrats joke?

A little too long...

[Rodders]

'Bob died!' 

'Oh God! Really? How old was he?' 

'Bixty meven' 

'Christ, that's no age is it.

Edited September 28, 2018 by Rodders

[Robtaylor200]

Woman on my door step for an hour, discussing the merits of brown bread

Bloody Hovis witness

[MickeyC_UTV]

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f*!%#ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

[BOF]

"Do you have that new book on Cunnilingus for beginners?"

 

Librarian : "Sorry love, I'm new here and I don't know where anything is"

 

"Yeah, that's the one"