BOF Posted July 2, 2018 Moderator Share Posted July 2, 2018 34 minutes ago, choffer said: I was once attacked by a group of mimes... ...they did unspeakable things to me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bickster Posted July 2, 2018 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted July 2, 2018 The missus has bought a Smart Car It won't let her in. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A'Villan Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 If you're English when you go in to the toilet, and English when you come out, what are you while you're in the toilet? European. (You're a peein') Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted July 6, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted July 6, 2018 16 minutes ago, A'Villan said: If you're English when you go in to the toilet, and English when you come out, what are you while you're in the toilet? European. (You're a peein') If the guy going into the brothel is Russian, and the guy leaving the brothel is Finnish, what is the guy in the room upstairs? Himalayan. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 18 minutes ago, A'Villan said: If you're English when you go in to the toilet, and English when you come out, what are you while you're in the toilet? European. (You're a peein') Oman, that’s woeful 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted July 10, 2018 Share Posted July 10, 2018 I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him. I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accommodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym, to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce, drugs, alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted July 16, 2018 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted July 16, 2018 The woman who injected her eight year old with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised. 2 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 Close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, it's hard to tell the difference. It also gets you banned from Morrisons. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son. The son says "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies". Dad asks "What movie did you watch?" Son says "Toy Story". The robot slaps the son. Son says "OK, OK. We were watching porn!" Dad says "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was". The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son". The robot slaps the mother. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted July 27, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted July 27, 2018 One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here" says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves". Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No" Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long". The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks, all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented The Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said "Yeah man, I can handle this". The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go". 4 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 I got a weekend job Playing the Triangle in a reggae band I stand at the back and ting 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted July 27, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted July 27, 2018 An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe. "Take a couple of swings at that tree over there," the foreman says. The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop. "Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree. One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground. "That's incredible!" cries the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replies the lumberjack. "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asks the foreman. "That's why I'm here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 On 16/07/2018 at 10:04, rjw63 said: A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son. The son says "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies". Dad asks "What movie did you watch?" Son says "Toy Story". The robot slaps the son. Son says "OK, OK. We were watching porn!" Dad says "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was". The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son". The robot slaps the mother. the joke is much better without this part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted July 27, 2018 Moderator Share Posted July 27, 2018 6 minutes ago, a m ole said: the joke is much better without this part. But that bit is the punchline 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 4 minutes ago, bickster said: But that bit is the punchline nah the punchline is “he certainly is your son...”, you get the joke at that part. It’s like saying - ‘I went to a zoo that just had one dog yesterday, it was a shitzu. shitzu is a type of dog’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted July 27, 2018 Moderator Share Posted July 27, 2018 2 minutes ago, a m ole said: nah the punchline is “he certainly is your son...”, you get the joke at that part. It’s like saying - ‘I went to a zoo that just had one dog yesterday, it was a shitzu. shitzu is a type of dog’ a) slap - punchline geddit? b) the joke is that he ISN'T his son 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) 4 minutes ago, bickster said: a) slap - punchline geddit? b) the joke is that he ISN'T his son Of course the joke is that he isn’t the son, but if you haven’t worked that out on the previous line you don’t deserve to laugh. Edited July 27, 2018 by a m ole 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted July 27, 2018 Moderator Share Posted July 27, 2018 2 minutes ago, a m ole said: Of course the joke is that he isn’t the son, but if you haven’t worked that out on the previous line you don’t deserve to laugh. er, ok but without the robot slapping her, he would be his son and it wouldn't be a joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 3 minutes ago, bickster said: er, ok but without the robot slapping her, he would be his son and it wouldn't be a joke they’re all lying, you know what she’s about to say is a lie, you know she’s about to get slapped, that’s what’s funny, that’s why it would be a better joke. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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