tonyh29 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 (edited) 50 minutes ago, rjw63 said: This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every **** time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your **** webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied "No" and the duck said "Good! Got any grapes?" The duck song from 2011 says hello Edited November 12, 2016 by tonyh29 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Never heard of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 12, 2016 Moderator Share Posted November 12, 2016 14 minutes ago, tonyh29 said: The duck song from 2011 says hello Well that's that song in my head for the rest of the day. "Then he waddled away, waddle waddle". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rds1983 Posted November 12, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted November 12, 2016 The duck song is a three parter: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 5 hours ago, Rds1983 said: The duck song is a three parter: Yeah but it's like the Matrix where we pretend parts 2 and 3 don't exist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Burned my **** Hawaiian pizza tonight! Should've cooked it on aloha heat. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 Knock knock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 8 minutes ago, Paddywhack said: Knock knock Who's there, you say? Europe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 17, 2016 Moderator Share Posted November 17, 2016 Just now, Paddywhack said: Who's there, you say? Europe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted November 22, 2016 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted November 22, 2016 A woman gets cheated on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him. After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?" The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that". The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less." 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 trick people in to thinking you are their mother by ringing their landline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted November 22, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted November 22, 2016 10 minutes ago, chrisp65 said: trick people in to thinking you are their mother by ringing their landline I get the joke, but it doesn't work, as most young people (the ones that I know anyway) don't HAVE a landline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted November 23, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted November 23, 2016 Landline? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villarocker Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 A bloke is complaining about his wife, to his mate, in a pub: "My missus is just so hard to please! Last year, I spent four grand on a boob job, she was happy with that. Last month, I spent two grand on a nose job, she was happy with that too. Last night, I told her I'd spent fifty quid on a blow job and she went f**king mental at me!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Two nuns, Sisters Gladys and Edith, have borrowed the convent's bike, and are on their way back from visiting the sick children in hospital. The bridge was temporarily closed, so they decided to detour back to the convent using the side streets. The road through the town, hadnt been upgraded, and was still paved with cobblestones, which made the bike jump, and gave the two sisters a very bumpy ride. " Goodness!" exclaimed Sister Edith from the back. " I have never come this way before." Me neither" replied Sister Gladys. " It must be the cobblestones." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 4, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted December 4, 2016 (edited) ^^^^ Another one that's been around since (at least) the 1960s. It's the companion piece to: Two nuns in the bath. "Where's the soap?" "Yes, it does, doesn't it?" Edited December 4, 2016 by mjmooney 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling****. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villa4europe Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 Why is Santa so jolly? because he knows where all the naughty girls live Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LxYoungAVFC Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippo Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 My mates in a bit of trouble:- His wife went out to get some milk and never returned - that was two days ago. I phoned him last night to ask how he was getting on - he replied "Yeah not bad - were using the powdered stuff" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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