WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Troglodyte]

I lost my watch at a party once.  An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party.

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

[BOF]

On 20/08/2016 at 10:31, NurembergVillan said:

Has anyone else got a link within there too?

Yep.

[Troglodyte]

Best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe, according to comedians selected by Dave. Cue disappointed groans, but some of them are fairly funny (more so in the context of watching the performance, I imagine).

Quote

15.

Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.

Phil Nicol – 12%

14.

I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.

Zoe Lyons – 13%

13.

Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.

Arthur Smith – 13%

12.

I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.

Roger Swift – 14%

11.

Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first.”

Michelle Wolf – 15%

10.

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.

Jordan Brookes – 15%

9.

Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?

Annie McGrath – 15%

8.

Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.

Adele Cliff – 16%

7.

I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.

Gary Delaney – 18%

6.

Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.

Tiff Stevenson – 20%

5.

I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second.

Will Duggan – 20%

4.

Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.

Mark Smith – 21%

3.

I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.

Mark Watson – 21%

2.

Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…

Stuart Mitchell – 25%

1. And the winner is...

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

Masai Graham – 27%

 

[Brumerican]

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.

Winner.

[villa4europe]

nah I like number 5

[Brumerican]

The Gerrard / Beatles one ? 

That's some Tom O'Connor crap right there . 

[theboyangel]

2,3,4, 7 and 10 are decent - the rest are all a bit meh (especially the yeastbound marmite van)

[BOF]

The girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarisbrokencanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anyone know what "ternative" means?

[choffer]

A North Korean athlete arrives home, apologises to Kim Jong Un for only getting silver. 

Kim Jong calmly puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, looks him in the eye, and says "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get gold in the Paralympics".

[Brumerican]

So I  had just ran a bath and then I start tugging off my boxers when I thought to myself ...

"I dont half spoil these dogs"

[Designer1]

I built an electric fence around my house.

My neighbour is dead against it.

[blandy]

10 minutes ago, Designer1 said:

I built an electric fence around my house.

My neighbour is dead against it.

shocking!

[BOF]

19 minutes ago, Designer1 said:

I built an electric fence around my house.

My neighbour is dead against it.

Is he revolting?

[BOF]

A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The guy said, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose".

[BOF]

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.

 

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

[V01]

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it **** all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's **** the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

[Xela]

A vegan, an atheist, and a Cross-Fitter all walk into a bar. I know because they immediately told everyone.

[AVFC_Hitz]

Have you walked 500 miles?

Have you been advised to walk 500 more?

If so, you could be entitled to compensation.

Call the pro-claimers now.

[Ryan.]

4 hours ago, Xela said:

A vegan, an atheist, and a Cross-Fitter all walk into a bar. I know because they immediately told everyone.

Thats brilliant

[KHV]

17 hours ago, Xela said:

A vegan, an atheist, and a Cross-Fitter all walk into a bar. I know because they immediately told everyone.

Quality