magnkarl Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, mjmooney said: "Autos"??? That was no Englishman. Motor cars, please. I agree sir, though I think the Englishman was making a point out of saying it in the American way. Edited May 21, 2017 by magnkarl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ikantcpell Posted May 22, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted May 22, 2017 There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."Bloody Foreigner. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!" The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your **** head off!!" She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars". The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank". The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your **** head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it". She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your **** head off!" So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man. To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said "See! It's not that **** difficult is it?" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnkarl Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 A classic pub joke. Women always tell me I'm ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 My brain-dead dog keeps chasing the postman on his bike. I got threatened with legal action so had to take the dogs bike off him.. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk". I said "How do you know?" She said "You live next door". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01 Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 A Young boy asks his Dad "What are politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnkarl Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic jam. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01 Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted June 22, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted June 22, 2017 I was shagging this bit of crumpet on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, use the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day. 14 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 There are only two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 There was this young Villa fan who was seeing a nice local lass. One evening, he was invited around for dinner, with a chance to meet her parents. During dinner, everything was going well, until the subject of football came up. When it was revealed the young man was a Villa fan, the girl's father became quite irate, proclaiming that he was a loud and very proud small heath fan, and that he despised the Villa. " Villa? Why would you support that shit of a club?" the old man aggressively queried. "Well, my Grandad supported the Villa, and so did my Dad." "Really? Well then. If your Grandad was a stupid asshole, and your Dad was a stupid asshole, what would that make you?" " Oh, that's easy." replied the young man. " A bloser." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted July 11, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted July 11, 2017 Unsatisfying Puss E Katt style joke to follow. You've been warned. An American was visiting Ireland on business. Towards the end of his trip he had a few free days, and as a keen golfer he wanted to get a few rounds in on the nearby championship course. He rocked up for his first round and, given this was a rather posh course, was allocated a caddy. Not wanting to play on his own, he asked the caddy if he could play. The caddy said he could and so they proceeded to have a leisurely game of golf. Turns out the caddy was very good trounced the American businessman. "You play a hell of a fine game of golf" the American said after the round. "How about a rematch tomorrow?" "Sure" replied the Irishman. "What time shall I meet you?" "10am?" suggested the American. "Fine. 10am it is, although I might be half an hour late" replied the Irishman. The next day the American turned up at 10am, expecting the Irishman to be half an hour late, but there he was warming up on the driving range already. Weirdly, he was hitting every ball left handed, whereas the previous day he had played right handed. They had their game, and the Irishman played every shot left handed, but once again trounced the American comfortably. "You beat my ass again!" said the American. "Tomorrow's my last day, how about one final round? 10am?" "Sure" replied the Irishman. "But I might be half an hour late" The next day the American turned up at 10am, and sure enough the Irishman was already there waiting. They played their final round and this time the Irishman was playing right handed again. And once again he beat the American hands down. After the round the American went to shake hands. "I've played golf all over the world, but I've never played against someone so good at playing both left and right handed. How do you do it?" he asked "It's easy" answered the Irishman. "When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is lying on her left hand side then I play left handed that day, and if she's lying on her right hand side then I play right handed" "Wow", remarked the American. Then he paused... "...and what if she's lying on her back?" he added "Well", said the Irishman. "Then I'll be half an hour late" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted July 11, 2017 Moderator Share Posted July 11, 2017 ^ Must be told in a Kerry accent though for maximum effect. Embedded video below (which may or may not work) and linky here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted July 26, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted July 26, 2017 Told the wife she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted July 26, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted July 26, 2017 What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet long? A πthon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippo Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 Its Jamaican hair day tomorrow....... ...................Im dreadin it ! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 If Bruce Willis dies from an overdose of Viagra, does he die hard? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01 Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Slightly non-PC... Spoiler What did the fat girl say to the pig? Spoiler DA-HAM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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