choffer Posted August 10, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted August 10, 2017 Police have said that the condition of the man who was attacked at the Teddy Bear's picnic is improving but he is not out of the woods yet. (Presumably copyright of the two Ronnies). 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the Pirate, “I feel fine.” “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” “Arr, well,” said the Pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.” “What about that eye patch?” “Arrrr, well” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of a big fat Albatross flew over. As I looked up, the bastard thing only went and shat in me eye didn't it, Arrrr!” “You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit” “Arr, bejasus lad it was me first day with this feckin hook!” 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 My favourite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 To the bastard who stole 200 cans of Red Bull from my garage: how do you sleep at night?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in there is a dog. Its a shitzu 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted September 20, 2017 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted September 20, 2017 I jokingly told a friend of mine that I was collecting the corpses of Russian emperors and dumping them into a giant ravine. He thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. Spoiler I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm. Spoiler 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 3 hours ago, Demitri_C said: A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in there is a dog. Its a shitzu 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 2 hours ago, rjw63 said: I knew you would love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 RugeleyVilla and his buddy are having a pint in the pub. Rugeley has a long face. "What's the matter?" asked his pal. "My missus just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin" said Ruge. "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money."Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1." "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3." O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof". "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 The thing I love most about the hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted October 2, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 2, 2017 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Xela Posted October 11, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted October 11, 2017 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted October 19, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 19, 2017 Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can. 13 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 20, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 20, 2017 "Dave's coming over" "Dave who likes loud greetings or Dave who does karate?" *From driveway* "HIYA!" "I'm not sure" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 (edited) a bloke at work told a few jokes today, it started off with stuff like: what do frogs wear on their feet? open 'toad' shoes then it degenerated into this bad boy Spoiler there was a bloke, he had a wife, she worked a 9-5 job, they had a daughter who was retarded, she was in a wheelchair, one day when his wife was at work he wanted a drink, he sent his daughter to the outdoor to get him a bottle of whiskey (he was an alcoholic as well) so his daughter went wheeling off. his wife got back from work and asked where their daughter was, he said he sent her out to get him a drink a few hours ago but she hadn't come back, they called the police, the police said that the owner of the outdoor is a known peadophile, they went round and kicked the door in, they found the daughter tied to a bed and the owner of the off license going down on her. he got off without any charges being bought against him....apparently he had a liquor licence I laughed, the way he told it was brilliant, it doesn't work all that well when its typed out...well it wasn't brilliant...but it was funny...I probably shouldn't have laughed but I did Edited October 20, 2017 by leemond2008 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 21, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 21, 2017 I mean... it's not that funny anyway, but why did the girl have to be underaged and "retarded"? The punchline has nothing to do with that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 1 hour ago, Stevo985 said: I mean... it's not that funny anyway, but why did the girl have to be underaged and "retarded"? The punchline has nothing to do with that. I think he threw it in just for the shock factor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted October 23, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 23, 2017 I went to the sperm clinic and the nurse asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I replied, "I know I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready for competition yet". 7 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts