drat01 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 My mate was complaining about his lap top smelling of piss. I asked 'Was it a Dell'? He replied 'Don't know, why, is she incontinent'? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 10, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted January 10, 2014 That's just a crapper version of "Saw a fat singer with a laptop the other day. It was a Dell" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) That's just a crapper version That would be if she did a poo on it not a wee. Edited January 10, 2014 by 8pints 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 A bloke turned to me and said, "I'm quite high up in the Association of British Clowns." "A bigwig," I replied. "Yeah, and a red nose." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 That's just a crapper version of "Saw a fat singer with a laptop the other day. It was a Dell" You shouldn't take the piss out of Adele she is actually really clever, apparently she is great at maths...well I heard she loves pi anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PriceyDownunder Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) My first ever contribution; apologies if it "bin dunne", and apologies if it's crap... Bruce, a big boxing fan, yet camp as a row of tents, walks into a tattoo parlour, and asks the artist for a picture of Mike Tyson to be tattooed to his left buttock. Several hours later Bruce checks his new cheek in the mirror. Suitably impressed, he then asks for Evander Holyfield’s likeness on his right buttock. A few more hours later, and proudly sporting his new ink, he arrives home to his “life partner” Cyril. Bruce disrobes, to show off his new additions, and to his surprise, Cyril bursts into tears. Confused, Bruce tries to console his boyfriend, but Cyril is distraught. Finally, regaining some composure, Cyril declares their relationship over. Bruce asks what the problem is. To which Cyril replies, “You’ve got Mike Tyson on your left cheek.”, “Yeah” says Bruce. “And you’ve got Evander Holyfield on your right cheek”, adds Cyril. “Yeah”, says Bruce. Cyril says “Well there’s no way I’m getting in the ring between those two!” Edited January 10, 2014 by PriceyDownunder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 His sister had exactly the same Tattoo's, and when she turned over she had Don King in the middle 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Do you ever notice how really shit comedians have to preface all their observational jokes with "Do you ever notice..."? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xann Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 What did the octogenarian pirate say on his birthday? I'm Eighty! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought well, that’s a little condescending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomaspg Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 What did the slug say to the snail? Big issue? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted January 16, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted January 16, 2014 I was given some really good financial news today. The little orphan kid I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post dAVe80 Posted January 16, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted January 16, 2014 Just got a new iPhone, and thought I'd try out Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain at the weekend", I asked. "It is going to rain, and don't call me Shirley", Siri replied. Turns out I had it on Airplane mode. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) farking nicked. edit, should probably add a joke in whilst I'm here. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association. Sorry, I'll leave the dyslexics alone now. Edited January 16, 2014 by Rodders Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomaspg Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Becoming vegetarian is a huge missed steak 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post turnbull Posted January 20, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted January 20, 2014 David Moyes has reassured Man Utd fans that they will be competing in a top European competition next year... "Even if I have to write the song myself.." he added. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomaspg Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Was looking over reddit and found these.. A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked." I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today, atleast i think she was poor she only had a quid in her wallet Two really hot women are walking down the street when a man who suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted January 20, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted January 20, 2014 I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today, atleast i think she was poor she only had a quid in her wallet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted January 28, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2014 I've just released my own fragrance. But no one on this bus seems to like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 <drat mode> Just read in the local paper that the thief who's been stealing tee shirts in order of size is still at large. </drat mode> 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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