useless Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 I bet you couldn't reach that box of meat. No the steaks are too high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ha ha!! Screw! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 A man is in a bar having a drink when he notices a well dressed guy come through the door with 5 beautiful women all over him. He also happens to have an Orange for a head. The man at the bar watches him flirt and buy rounds and flash bankrolls of money and get all the attention in the room for an hour before getting up the nerve to approach the man. "Excuse me, Sir..." he says, "I have to ask...I see you here with all these beautiful women, and all this money, and all this attention...but I noticed you have an Orange for a head. How did all this happen for you?" The man with an Orange for a head replies "Well I was walking on a beach one day when I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes. First, I wished for all the attention from the hottest women in the world. Second, I wished for an unlimited supply of money. Third, and this is where I kind of **** it up, I wished to have an Orange for a head. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can neither drive nor shut the **** up. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 My boss called me an obnoxious sycophant this morning. I had to admit he was right as usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Midwife for sale. Will deliver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 A Catholic boy in confession says "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister". "That's a disgrace..." said the priest "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Nigel Posted March 13, 2014 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2014 ""Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me. "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said." 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Nigel Posted March 13, 2014 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2014 While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that." "Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical." "Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?" "Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato." 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Nigel Posted March 13, 2014 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2014 Man City are a lot like Oscar Pistorius... Lost both legs but still got 4 shots on target! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stewiek2 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect. Edited March 18, 2014 by stewiek2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stewiek2 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Say what you will about Ryanair, but their tight fuel reserve policy guarantees a search radius of not more than 50 miles if one of their planes went missing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Just logged into Facebook & it appears there's a zombie apocalypse happening...my bad...it's just some cancer awareness no make up selfies thing.****Courtesy of Sickipedia.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted March 19, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted March 19, 2014 Say what you will about Ryanair, but their tight fuel reserve policy guarantees a search radius of not more than 50 miles if one of their planes went missing. ....You could also rule out the ransom angle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Just logged into Facebook & it appears there's a zombie apocalypse happening...my bad...it's just some cancer awareness no make up selfies thing.****Courtesy of Sickipedia.org Less of a joke, more a statement of fact! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 What do you call a fifteen year old small heath supporter with a dick in her mouth, a dick in her arse, a dick in her word removed and a dick in each hand? Best to call her later - she's busy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 What did the farmer say when he realized his tractor was missing? 'Where's my Tractor?' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Just logged into Facebook & it appears there's a zombie apocalypse happening...my bad...it's just some cancer awareness no make up selfies thing.****Courtesy of Sickipedia.org Less of a joke, more a statement of fact! But don't tell them that what they are doing is utterly pointless unless they start posting links to advice as well as selfies. That didn't go down to well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I can't wait for the Formula 1: Malaysian GP this weekend. I just want to see how many cars vanish going into the first turn. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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