Genie Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 3 hours ago, mottaloo said: I don't get it It's about Brexit 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. One;she really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 @BOF entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 2 hours ago, rjw63 said: @BOF entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. @rjw63, I think @drat01has hacked your VT login mate. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veloman Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Following India's unsuccessful attempt to land on the Moon, the Irish have announced their plans for 2020. They plan to place a man on the Sun. When a leading Space expert pointed out that the rocket would burn up before in reached half way, a spokesman said, " We have thought of that , so we will go at night". 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 My mate who has a stutter was telling us about his nana. By the time he was finished we were all singing hey Jude. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post villa4europe Posted September 10, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted September 10, 2019 They say 1 in 3 people live next door to a paedophile Not me, I live next door to a gorgeous pair of 12 year olds 9 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I went on a Barging holiday. Just strolled along the towpath shoving people in. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted September 11, 2019 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted September 11, 2019 21 hours ago, villa4europe said: They say 1 in 3 people live next door to a paedophile Not me, I live next door to a gorgeous pair of 12 year olds Note to self, and I mean it this time. Do NOT tell this joke when pissed some night. Do NOT tell this joke when pissed some night. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I went to a support group meeting for guys who suffer with premature ejaculation. Turns out it's tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted September 11, 2019 Moderator Share Posted September 11, 2019 19 minutes ago, colhint said: I went to a support group meeting for guys who suffer with premature ejaculation. Turns out it's tomorrow. It's still very brave to post, even if it's in the joke thread. Well done to you colhint 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 I joined alcoholics anonymous. I haven't stopped drinking, just used a different name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 My mate asked me if I would run a half marathon next Sunday I said your bloody joking I'm nearly 62. He said come on Rob its for the handicaps and blind people Then I thought I could actually win this ooh 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 (edited) Why don't men need more than one rooster? Because a cock a dude'll do Edited September 13, 2019 by StefanAVFC 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Sid4ever Posted September 13, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted September 13, 2019 I finished with a girlfriend due to her obsession for counting. I wonder what she’s up to now. Everyone knows where the big apple is, but who knows where the Minneapolis. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted September 13, 2019 Share Posted September 13, 2019 Kev was always bragging about all the people he knows to his co-workers until one day his boss loses it and tells him to prove it. If he really knows all these famous people he could produce evidence, right? Kev shows his boss the numerous pictures on his phone hobnobbing with celebrities and politicians. His boss calls bullshit, anyone can use Photoshop. Kev calls someone on his phone and hands it to his boss, who hears the unmistakable voice of Tom Hanks asking how long has it been since he and Kev had dinner together. Again, his boss doesn't believe him and says it could be anyone on the line. Kev thinks for a moment, and asks if he has any plans that weekend. Kev then flies his boss and himself out to Vatican City where a crowd is gathering in front of the Vatican. Kev's boss is jostled around the crowd and loses Kev in the confusion. Suddenly, the crowd roars and he looks up to see the Pope himself standing next to a waving Kev. Just then, an old man gets his attention and motions towards the balcony saying "who the **** is that guy up there standing next to Kev?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted September 14, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted September 14, 2019 11 hours ago, 8pints said: Kev was always bragging about all the people he knows to his co-workers until one day his boss loses it and tells him to prove it. If he really knows all these famous people he could produce evidence, right? Kev shows his boss the numerous pictures on his phone hobnobbing with celebrities and politicians. His boss calls bullshit, anyone can use Photoshop. Kev calls someone on his phone and hands it to his boss, who hears the unmistakable voice of Tom Hanks asking how long has it been since he and Kev had dinner together. Again, his boss doesn't believe him and says it could be anyone on the line. Kev thinks for a moment, and asks if he has any plans that weekend. Kev then flies his boss and himself out to Vatican City where a crowd is gathering in front of the Vatican. Kev's boss is jostled around the crowd and loses Kev in the confusion. Suddenly, the crowd roars and he looks up to see the Pope himself standing next to a waving Kev. Just then, an old man gets his attention and motions towards the balcony saying "who the **** is that guy up there standing next to Kev?" This joke was on The Antiques Roadshow last week. The expert said: "A nice vintage joke, probably early 1970s. It's obviously been well-used, but the wear and polish just adds to its charm. No real monetary value, but I'm sure it has great nostalgic associations for your family". 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 1 hour ago, mjmooney said: This joke was on The Antiques Roadshow last week. The expert said: "A nice vintage joke, probably early 1970s. It's obviously been well-used, but the wear and polish just adds to its charm. No real monetary value, but I'm sure it has great nostalgic associations for your family". Funnily (Or not it seems) enough it was told to me by a 94 year old woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. "Very well, my child" says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth "Tell me about your sins". "Well, Father" says the guy "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father". "Don't worry, child" says the priest "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins". "But Father" continues the man "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father". "Oh, child" says the Father "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins". "But Father" says the bloke again "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... again I sinned, Father". "Good Lord" says the priest "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray--" "But Father" says the bloke "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father". The priest falls silent. "And then" continues the bloke "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty..." The priest still did not answer. "And on Saturday" said the bloke "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well..." The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry. "Father" he calls "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!" "**** off! I'm not coming down" says the priest "The two of us alone, the Church **** empty... !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 Dad, do you know what a solar eclipse is? No son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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