WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[A'Villan]

Bloke 1: What's up that cows ass? The filth that comes out her mouth!

Bloke 2: Sh*t moo'd mate.

[A'Villan]

^

[A'Villan]

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

[BOF]

On 12/11/2019 at 23:41, A'Villan said:

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

[useless]

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.

Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?”

“This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep.

“Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?”

“I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished.

“Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles.

The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!”

“Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!”

“Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.”

Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.

Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.

Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business.

As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.

Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.

Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.

Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.

Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.

Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.”

Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.

The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.

 

[LondonLax]

1 hour ago, useless said:

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.

Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?”

“This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep.

“Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?”

“I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished.

“Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles.

The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!”

“Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!”

“Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.”

Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.

Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.

Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business.

As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.

Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.

Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.

Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.

Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.

Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.”

Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.

The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.

 

Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

[rjw63]

4 hours ago, LondonLax said:

Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

It was better without the punchline

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ingram85]

On 21/11/2009 at 00:30, rjw63 said:

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

 

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

RichardDunneinaBin.gif

Nearly to the **** exact date by a decade too 

[rjw63]

11 hours ago, Ingram85 said:

RichardDunneinaBin.gif

Nearly to the **** exact date by a decade too 

[WhatAboutTheFinish]

3 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

Thought for a second this was Jeremy Corbyn at a PLO memorial service!

[drat01]

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat”. She said. “No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.

Waitress: Are you ready to order? Me: My wife is in the ladies. Waitress: Do you know what she's having? Me: Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit!

I've joined a band called 'the Foreskins' We mostly play cheesy covers

When I applied to Citroën for a job, they insisted I send in 2 cvs.

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I didn't know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.....

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. That’s Heinz sight for you

[Ingram85]

41 minutes ago, drat01 said:

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat”. She said. “No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.

Waitress: Are you ready to order? Me: My wife is in the ladies. Waitress: Do you know what she's having? Me: Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit!

I've joined a band called 'the Foreskins' We mostly play cheesy covers

When I applied to Citroën for a job, they insisted I send in 2 cvs.

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I didn't know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.....

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. That’s Heinz sight for you

Literally on the last page.

[rjw63]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".

[rjw63]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"

Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen -  I **** anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean, anal, DP... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just **** love it".

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[BOF]

 

[rjw63]

19 minutes ago, BOF said:

 

[Robtaylor200]

On 18/11/2019 at 13:07, rjw63 said:

It was better without the punchline

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was better kept to himself

[Robtaylor200]

Went to donate blood yesterday - Never again, too many stupid questions 

Whose blood is it ?

Where did you get it ?

Why is it in a bucket ? 

[mrbojangles]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

swimming round in the sea - one called Justin and the other called

Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks

that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,

then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious

cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold,

Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam

away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself

becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam

away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his

new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out

swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't

believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back

into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned

back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin

swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking

around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the

enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right

again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's

house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,

come out and see me again. Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat

me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"...

..."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"

[theboyangel]

 

woeful (and 20 years out of date)