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JohnCresswell

WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

"Very well, my child" says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth "Tell me about your sins".

"Well, Father" says the guy "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father".

"Don't worry, child" says the priest "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins".

"But Father" continues the man "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father".

"Oh, child" says the Father "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins".

"But Father" says the bloke again "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... again I sinned, Father".

"Good Lord" says the priest "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray--" "But Father" says the bloke "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father".

The priest falls silent.

"And then" continues the bloke "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."

The priest still did not answer.

"And on Saturday" said the bloke "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well..."

The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.

"Father" he calls "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"

"**** off! I'm not coming down" says the priest "The two of us alone, the Church **** empty... !"

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I wrote a letter to a deer, it was called Dear deer.

Edited by useless
By the way I know it's not very funny.

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What rhymes with orange. No it doesn't.

Edited by useless

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I got the joke from about one minute and fifty-five seconds into this video...

 

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Chromosomes: the third gender --
XX = Female
XY = Male
YI = Geordie 

 

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My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.

"Well done, son" I said "I hope you used something though?"

He replied "Yeah, a balaclava."

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On 21/09/2019 at 11:45, rjw63 said:

My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.

"Well done, son" I said "I hope you used something though?"

He replied "Yeah, a balaclava."

But surely that wouldn't contain all the ... oh wait.

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My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle, strange name I grant you, but she tortoise well.

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18 hours ago, Ingram85 said:

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle, strange name I grant you, but she tortoise well.

@Ingram85 I think your account has been hacked.  I can't imagine by who @drat01

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44 minutes ago, BOF said:

@Ingram85 I think your account has been hacked.  I can't imagine by who @drat01

Lewis Carroll, I would imagine. 

Quote

“The master was an old Turtle — we used to call him Tortoise—”

“Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?” Alice asked.

“We called him a Tortoise because he taught us.” 

(Alice in Wonderland) 

 

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Went to a bakery yesterday to buy some cakes and they were all 20p but there was one that was £2 which seemed a bit strange. So I asked the baker how come all of his cakes were 20p but that one is £2? He said "That ones two pound because that's Madeira cake".

Edited by Ingram85
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I set my sat nav's voice to that of Bonnie Tyler. It just kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart. So I changed it to Bono - now the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. 

Edited by mjmooney
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I've found this fantastic chippy that wraps its fish in copier paper. 

It's a little plaice on the A4. 

 

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It’s only a five minute walk to my local pub. Yet it takes me over half an hour to walk home from the same pub.

The difference is staggering.

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