il_serpente Posted October 14, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted October 14, 2019 I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted October 14, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted October 14, 2019 I coined a new word today: Plagiarism. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted October 25, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted October 25, 2019 A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly. "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We're all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest, he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again. "That was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!" The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy". 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked "Harry, what exactly is your problem?" Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9.". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "Y'know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade" But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions". The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs.". Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets.". to the principal's great relief..... Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants". By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied "Bubble gum". Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands". The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question... Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck". The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher "Put the little bastard in 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong myself!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 A man wins $100,000 at Las Vegas. When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to the man and says "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted October 25, 2019 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted October 25, 2019 36 minutes ago, rjw63 said: A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly. "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We're all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest, he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again. "That was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!" The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy". Jesus Christ. To use your own gif on you... 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post theboyangel Posted October 29, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted October 29, 2019 I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that its a family trait and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments. The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he’d never seen anything like but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ. I told him that’ll be our Monica. 2 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 A lady, heavily pregnant, is rushed into hospital having gone into labour. Lying in her hospital bed, she's yelling "CAN'T, WON'T, WASN'T, DON'T' whilst her husband looks on in worry. 'Dr, what's going on?? Is she ok?', he asks the Doctor. He replies, 'Don't worry. It's just her contractions.' 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 A bartender spots a man sitting at a bar looking disturbed. He asks him what's wrong. "I got drunk last night and slept with My Wife's Sister and Mom" comes the reply. "I know it's not morally right but some men would see that as an achievement. The sordid trio, some call it." The bartender replies. "No, you don't understand. 'My Wife's Sister and Mom' is the name of my dog." 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Is "my wife's sister and mom" a word filter? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ingram85 Posted October 30, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted October 30, 2019 3 hours ago, 8pints said: A bartender spots a man sitting at a bar looking disturbed. He asks him what's wrong. "I got drunk last night and slept with My Wife's Sister and Mom" comes the reply. "I know it's not morally right but some men would see that as an achievement. The sordid trio, some call it." The bartender replies. "No, you don't understand. 'My Wife's Sister and Mom' is the name of my dog." 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ingram85 Posted November 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted November 1, 2019 (edited) Told my wife that I've really started to like Beyonce. She said "Eh, whatever floats your boat". I said "No, that's Bouyancy ". Edited November 1, 2019 by Ingram85 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted November 7, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted November 7, 2019 There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns. Between them, there’s a gruyerea. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 For our holiday I got a map of the world, gave my missus a dart, and said we would go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks picnicking next to the skirting board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and shafted all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. She did the lot, all holes, and swallowed. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 8, 2019 Moderator Share Posted November 8, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted November 8, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted November 8, 2019 9 hours ago, rjw63 said: Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vive_La_Villa Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 On 25/10/2019 at 11:48, rjw63 said: A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly. "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We're all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest, he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again. "That was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!" The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy". I can’t believe I read all that for ‘easy peasy lemons queasy!!!’ But I can’t stop laughing 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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