WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[rjw63]

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.

He whispered to me "Where the **** did you get her from, son?! She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!"

I replied "There's no need to whisper, dad. She's deaf as well".

[rjw63]

Got myself a new pet penguin the other day, it's much better than our dog. I can DIUTWU when the wife's at work and she'll never notice it's walking funny.

[rjw63]

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid cyclist, bouncing off your windscreen?

[rjw63]

Stopped at a service station earlier. Picked up a KitKat, a bottle of water and a sausage roll.

As I approached the checkout, I mentioned to the girl at the till I only had a £20 note.

"No problem" she said "just put the sausage roll back".

[Robtaylor200]

good set of jokes Rob I am pinching some of those 

[Robtaylor200]

The unwritten rules for men to follow Try this test only 6, bet you get at least 5 right Urinal Test is for men to ace, You would be surprised at just how complex restroom etiquette is. You are to identify correctly the urinal which u should stand at when differing combinations of urinals are already occupied 1.) (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 2.) (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 3.) (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 4.) (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 5.) (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 6.) (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ================================================================   Correct Answers---------------- 1.) 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. 2.) 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. 3.) 1 or 6 - By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." 4.) 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. 5.) 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! 6.) NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! use a doored stall.* Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This isn’t a clubhouse. I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. NO Singing. Period. Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".

 

[Robtaylor200]

TRUE STORY

I had a Marina Van
I customised it (yeh I was young then)
Oh I wish I still had pictures

It was British Racing Green, a front spoiler, rear roof spoiler a bonnet bulge, whistling indicators, triple air horns, a siren, a C.B. radio, red and blue whip aerials on each side, the back windows had skull and cross bones printed on mirror glass you could see out but you couldn’t see in, I had taken all the switches off the dashboard and fitted them to a console in the middle. I had lined the inside with foam and fur, speakers and lights sunk into the fur. Thick bamboo poles separated the front from the back. 
Shag pile carpet and cushions.
Finished off with the name on the visor VANTASTIC

One night I took a young lady over Cannock Chase in my van to see the deer at about 1 o’clock in the morning.
She asked me if I was into kinky sex and could I whip her. So bloody dark I couldn’t see a stick, I didn’t want to miss out so I broke a foot off one of my aerials and whipped her with that.
The next night I met her in the pub and she could hardly walk I had whipped a bit too hard; she showed me the marks on her bum. She had taken the day off work and gone to the doctors
The Doctor said it was the worse case of van-aerial disease he had ever seen.
 

[BOF]

26 minutes ago, Robtaylor200 said:

6.) (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ================================================================ Correct Answers---------------- 6.) NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! use a doored stall.*

It is one of life's dilemmas alright. I think if either 2 or 4 are not in any way physically imposing/intimidating, or even better, standing beside them makes you look more physically impressive (think fiddler crab neighbour logic) then 3 or 4 can be acceptable.

Otherwise you just have to shit in the cubicle.

[Robtaylor200]

[Hamburglar]

On 28/01/2022 at 09:40, Robtaylor200 said:

The unwritten rules for men to follow Try this test only 6, bet you get at least 5 right Urinal Test is for men to ace, You would be surprised at just how complex restroom etiquette is. You are to identify correctly the urinal which u should stand at when differing combinations of urinals are already occupied 1.) (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 2.) (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 3.) (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 4.) (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 5.) (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 6.) (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ================================================================   Correct Answers---------------- 1.) 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. 2.) 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. 3.) 1 or 6 - By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." 4.) 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. 5.) 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! 6.) NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! use a doored stall.* Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This isn’t a clubhouse. I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. NO Singing. Period. Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".

 

Big un’s in the middle only

[Ingram85]

This page reads like my Dads work phone 

[tonyh29]

On 28/01/2022 at 09:40, Robtaylor200 said:

Urinal Test is for men to ace,

someone even wrote an online game for it way back when the internet was fun and work spam filters didn't block everything 

The Urinal Game : CleverMedia : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

 

[Robtaylor200]

23 hours ago, Ingram85 said:

This page reads like my Dads work phone 

Is that you Luke ?

[Stevo985]

On 28/01/2022 at 09:40, Robtaylor200 said:

The unwritten rules for men to follow Try this test only 6, bet you get at least 5 right Urinal Test is for men to ace, You would be surprised at just how complex restroom etiquette is. You are to identify correctly the urinal which u should stand at when differing combinations of urinals are already occupied 1.) (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 2.) (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 3.) (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 4.) (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 5.) (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 6.) (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ================================================================   Correct Answers---------------- 1.) 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. 2.) 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. 3.) 1 or 6 - By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." 4.) 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. 5.) 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! 6.) NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! use a doored stall.* Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This isn’t a clubhouse. I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. NO Singing. Period. Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".

 

I got all of these (even the trick question) except number 5 which I disagree with.

I'd go 1 on that one because it negates the chance of someone arriving on the other side of you and sandwiching you. I also refuse to believe that sandwiching urinal number 5 is the right thing to do

[Mark Albrighton]

That’s all fine in theory, but in reality there are other variables that I consider when deciding which urinal to choose, subconsciously or otherwise. 

For instance if someone’s stance takes up more room and encroaches onto the next urinal space. I’d be more tempted to stand next to a someone who’s closer to a Frankie Dettori build than someone who resembles a slightly less streamlined version of Giant Haystacks.

That’s before we get into the whether the previous occupant had determined there was no discernible difference between the urinal and the surrounding floor.

[Rds1983]

I don't really get why people make sure a big deal about using urinals and where to stand. What's the point? Just go to one and use it. 

[AVFC_Hitz]

3 hours ago, Mark Albrighton said:

 

For instance if someone’s stance takes up more room and encroaches onto the next urinal space. I’d be more tempted to stand next to a someone who’s closer to a Frankie Dettori build than someone who resembles a slightly less streamlined version of Giant Haystacks.

 

I dunno...I have a mate here in Sofia who's around 5'6". He's hung like Denzel Washington's forearm after being stung by a bee. He sat down in bar one day, in the summer with pink shorts on. It was reaching round to steal his wallet. 

[sidcow]

You can argue the order all you like but the point is proven that every man in the world (except for exhibitionist with a massive cock @Rds1983)  has a strategy they employ at the urinals. 

Edited February 22, 2022 by sidcow

[nick76]

On 19/02/2022 at 09:06, Robtaylor200 said:

Is that you Luke ?

[Anthony]

47 minutes ago, sidcow said:

You can argue the order all you like but the point is proven that every man in the world (except for exhibitionist with a massive cock @Rds1983)  has a strategy they employ at the urinals. 

Yup. Mine is: avoid. Go for a sit down wee instead.