rjw63 Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 My dad wanted to be buried in a blue suit. When I got to the undertakers, he was wearing a green suit. I told him he had it wrong and my Father is to be buried in a blue suit. He apologised and asked me to come back in an hour. I got back and my father was laying there peacefully in a crisp blue suit. I said "That's amazing, who was the tailor who did it?" The undertaker said "I didn't use a tailor. I did it myself". I said "I can't thank you enough, how did you get a blue suit so quick? He said "You see the guy in the coffin over there? He had a blue suit on. So I swapped the heads". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted January 14, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted January 14, 2022 The **** dog ran off again last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 minutes and still couldn't find the bastard. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. I still can't find the **** dog.... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 14, 2022 Moderator Share Posted January 14, 2022 20 minutes ago, rjw63 said: Just bought a memory stick for the wife. It's brilliant! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex since the first beating. I had to read that 3 times That's not like an Irishman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted January 17, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted January 17, 2022 A bloke rang me up the other day and said: "I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!" I tried to tell him he had the wrong number but he was adamant. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted January 17, 2022 Share Posted January 17, 2022 "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted January 17, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted January 17, 2022 An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says "How much do you charge?" She says "150 euro". He says "I've got no money, All I have is these two All Ireland medals I won in the 50s". She says "That'll do', takes them and off they go and do the business. Next night another old man approaches her. He asks "How much do you charge?" She replies "150 euros". He asks "Are you any good?" She answers "I've got two All Ireland medals!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted January 17, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted January 17, 2022 The hunt is on for the "Knitting Needle Nutter" who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours. Local police believe he could be following some kind of pattern. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blandy Posted January 17, 2022 Moderator Share Posted January 17, 2022 25 minutes ago, mjmooney said: The hunt is on for the "Knitting Needle Nutter" who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours. Local police believe he could be following some kind of pattern. That had me in stitches. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick76 Posted January 18, 2022 Share Posted January 18, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 Lewis Hamilton tried singing all the musical youth songs but he couldn't get past the dutchie on the left hand side.Very Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted January 21, 2022 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted January 21, 2022 So, I took this Liverpool girl out to a vegetarian restaurant. I said, “Do you like avocado?” She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet, la". 3 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 I was reading about the 2021 Yodeling contest in Switzerland that took place over Christmas. Around 50 people turned up and they all have form a line and take it in turn to yodel for 30 seconds. Apparently because of the cold moist air it is better to Yodel first, they starting pushing and shoving and big fight broke out. The police had to come and sort it out. The policeman in charge got his loud hailer out and shouted "Come on form and orderly orderly orderly queue " 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted January 22, 2022 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted January 22, 2022 I have two unwritten rules: 1. 2. 3 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted January 22, 2022 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted January 22, 2022 The circus near me held a competition to find the best contortionist. So I entered myself and won. 1 17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lichfield Dean Posted January 22, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted January 22, 2022 On 21/01/2022 at 22:20, mjmooney said: So, I took this Liverpool girl out to a vegetarian restaurant. I said, “Do you like avocado?” She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet, la". Took me about five attempts to work that one out, until I finally read it in a Scouse accent. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 23, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted January 23, 2022 On 20/12/2021 at 13:48, rjw63 said: A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please". The barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and *BANG!* shot the waiter. The barman came over and said "Wha... wh... you just shot my friend!!" The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes" the barman answered. "You're a panda". "Good" the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary". And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA | /ˈpandə/ noun: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. Last time I heard this I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted January 23, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted January 23, 2022 I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram. He said "Venn?" I said "As soon as you can". 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 Made me laugh out loud, i am easily amused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Straggler Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 Please stay till the end, pmsl. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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