rjw63 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Designer1 Posted November 9, 2021 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted November 9, 2021 I think Rob's account has been hacked by PusseKat. 3 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted November 12, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted November 12, 2021 An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and DMUTWU right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not overly enthusiastic about it in Waitrose either." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted November 12, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted November 12, 2021 I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn" I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again". 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Robtaylor200 Posted November 13, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted November 13, 2021 I decided to get a train ticket to France, the agent said Eurostar I said I have been in the paper a couple of times 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 18 hours ago, rjw63 said: I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn" I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again". Well if you can tell that one I can tell this I am having a second hand bike for Christmas. My brother is having a new bike, a radio control car, some board games, a kindel and a laptop Not really fair, but at least I don't have cancer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 I was walking into the local shopping mall when a begger stopped me and asked.Begger > any change mate Me > sorry,I dont have any change Begger > Aw cmon Me > I said I dont have any change Begger > I cant accept that Me > You cant accept that...jeeeeze...will you accept a note Begger > sure that would be great Me . So I took a piece of paper and a pencil out of my briefcase, wrote "I don't have ANY **** CHANGE!" handed it to the prick, and walked off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted November 18, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted November 18, 2021 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 On 13/11/2021 at 12:43, PussEKatt said: I was walking into the local shopping mall when a begger stopped me and asked.Begger > any change mate Me > sorry,I dont have any change Begger > Aw cmon Me > I said I dont have any change Begger > I cant accept that Me > You cant accept that...jeeeeze...will you accept a note Begger > sure that would be great Me . So I took a piece of paper and a pencil out of my briefcase, wrote "I don't have ANY **** CHANGE!" handed it to the prick, and walked off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 I hear a lot about the famous Marks brothers. But no one mentions their sister Onya who invented the starting pistol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted November 19, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted November 19, 2021 6 minutes ago, Robtaylor200 said: I hear a lot about the famous Marks brothers. But no one mentions their sister Onya who invented the starting pistol Or Ed Balls' sister Ophelia. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted November 19, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted November 19, 2021 21 hours ago, rjw63 said: I don't think you should be admitting to posting that joke 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 Two schoolkids came to our door today looking for a donation for their swimming pool,so I gave them a glass of water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 11 minutes ago, PussEKatt said: Two schoolkids came to our door today looking for a donation for their swimming pool,so I gave them a glass of water. You are Tommy Cooper and I claim my £5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 What do you call four priests and a paedophile? Five paedophiles. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 A half-dressed, unwashed Bloose couple are sitting on a couch watching the news on TV, with the man's arm around the woman. The man says "Look at them dirty homo-sekshuls ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to Brighton just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin?" The woman replies "That's right, Daddy". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted November 20, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted November 20, 2021 I was offered sex by a 28 year old man in exchange for advertising some sort of new bathroom cleaner on here. Obviously I declined because of my strong willpower and morals, which is just as strong as ajox, the super strong lemon scented bathroom cleaner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TreeVillan Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 Someone just told me that Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool supporter, he also refused to wear aftershave. It's true, Yul never wore Cologne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 22, 2021 Moderator Share Posted November 22, 2021 13 hours ago, TreeVillan said: Someone just told me that Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool supporter, he also refused to wear aftershave. It's true, Yul never wore Cologne. Oh God. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 22, 2021 Share Posted November 22, 2021 On 20/11/2021 at 13:20, choffer said: I was offered sex by a 28 year old man in exchange for advertising some sort of new bathroom cleaner on here. Obviously I declined because of my strong willpower and morals, which is just as strong as ajox, the super strong lemon scented bathroom cleaner That happened to me but luckily it was a woman doing the offering Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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