Popular Post Morley_crosses_to_Withe Posted March 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted March 22, 2020 I got to do a massive shop yesterday as there was a big delivery just in. I managed to grab toilet roll, pasta, bread, soup, hand sanitizer ...the lot! My trolley was absolutely rammed full. Then I saw this old lady behind me with only two things in her basket. She must have been in her 80s. She looked close to tears and said “I’ve only managed to get a pack of ham and a bag of nuts...everything else is gone”. I felt terrible - here I am with all this stuff waiting in line and this poor old girl had **** all, so I decided to do the right thing and said to her: “Go on love, you go in front, you’ve only got two things” 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them to a club . As they were talking, he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?" They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot". "Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted March 27, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted March 27, 2020 A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. Angus puts up his hand and says 'G'. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick. The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub. A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way. The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?" The tramp replies "Well, someone's been sick outside and all the best bits have gone". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted March 30, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted March 30, 2020 23 hours ago, Ikantcpell said: A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it. My god that takes me right back to the school playground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted March 31, 2020 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted March 31, 2020 16 hours ago, sidcow said: My god that takes me right back to the school playground. How did you catch the pigeons? 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted April 6, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 6, 2020 I am so sorry for local businesses during this pandemic, we are doing all we can to support them. However, we can't save them all and have learned that the bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 5 minutes ago, mjmooney said: I am so sorry for local businesses during this pandemic, we are doing all we can to support them. However, we can't save them all and have learned that the bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted April 6, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 6, 2020 7 minutes ago, mjmooney said: I am so sorry for local businesses during this pandemic, we are doing all we can to support them. However, we can't save them all and have learned that the bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 1 hour ago, mjmooney said: I am so sorry for local businesses during this pandemic, we are doing all we can to support them. However, we can't save them all and have learned that the bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners. every one of them is baaaaaaaaaaaaaad, so bad so very very very bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 Three conspiracy theorists walked into a bar.---- Now that's no a coincidence OMG walked into a bar, that sounds good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 (edited) btw, i actually think that all of the delivery drivers out there are doing a great job under the current climate we find ourselves in. Thank you all. Edited April 7, 2020 by imavillan comment added 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted April 7, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted April 7, 2020 Q. Where's the best place to weigh a pie? A. Somewhere over the rainbow. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 38 minutes ago, mjmooney said: Q. Where's the best place to weigh a pie? A. Somewhere over the rainbow. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chrisp65 Posted April 8, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted April 8, 2020 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted April 8, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 8, 2020 21 hours ago, mjmooney said: Q. Where's the best place to weigh a pie? A. Somewhere over the rainbow. This took me a long long time to get. I was this close to giving up and admitting I didn’t get it 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 4 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: This took me a long long time to get. I was this close to giving up and admitting I didn’t get it Probably not a good time to ask you where you weigh a whale , then .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Troglodyte Posted April 10, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted April 10, 2020 I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night, when the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.” 2 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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