theboyangel Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 30 minutes ago, Troglodyte said: I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night, when the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Very good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only2McInallys Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 People say that 1 man can’t change the world.... Tell that to the man who ate an undercooked bat in China Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted April 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 12, 2020 I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted April 21, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 21, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?" "I'd say yes" he replied. "Exactly!" I said, shaking my head and walking away "What the **** is wrong with women these days?" 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 I was walking past a pet shop today when I saw a sign on a cage in the window that read: Pedigree Netherlands Cat For Sale. I didn't believe it could be from Holland so I went in and asked the assistant: "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 A soldier is running from the Military Police. He spots a nun and says "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later". The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by. The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says "Yes! He went that way!" Once the MP cleared, the soldier comes out and says "Thank you so much! I'm hiding from them because they're trying to deploy me to fight in Iran, and I just don't want that! Hope you don't mind me saying, but you have really firm and nicely shaped calves! Your thighs look really firm!" The Nun abruptly says "Son! Stop! If you would have looked any higher you would have seen my balls, I don't want to go to in Iran either." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 Dave is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar. "Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?" "Gee, that's the memory man" replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!" Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football. He asks the memory man "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?" "Liverpool" came the instantaneous reply. Dave was stunned. He tried again asking "Who did they beat?" "Leeds" replied the memory man. Dave tried once more asking "What was the final score?" The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering "2-1". Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says "Ian St John". Dave is stunned and returns home, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave. Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue. "How" Dave says. The memory man squints at him and replies "A diving header in the six-yard box". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morley_crosses_to_Withe Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 My wife told me that I ruined it her birthday. I didn’t know it was her f***ing birthday. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted April 24, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 24, 2020 6 hours ago, rjw63 said: I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?" "I'd say yes" he replied. "Exactly!" I said, shaking my head and walking away "What the **** is wrong with women these days?" 6 hours ago, rjw63 said: I was walking past a pet shop today when I saw a sign on a cage in the window that read: Pedigree Netherlands Cat For Sale. I didn't believe it could be from Holland so I went in and asked the assistant: "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?" 6 hours ago, rjw63 said: Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge. I don't think you are taking social distancing very seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted April 26, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 26, 2020 I'm kind of annoyed that my friend keeps telling me "Cheer up, It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted April 26, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 26, 2020 I went to the hotel reception and said, "I've forgotten what room I'm in. Can you help me?" "No problem, sir. This is the lobby." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted April 26, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 26, 2020 A sheep dog told its owner it found all 50 of his sheep. The owner said, "But I only have 48 sheep!" The sheepdog said, "Oh, I rounded them up." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 A guy tells his friends that he can identify any drink at all. His friends bet him $100 that he cant. So they blindfold him and give him a drink. He says thats Jack Daniels 1987 They are impressed, so they give him another drink. He replies,thats Moet and Shandon 1902 His friends give him one more drink. He spits it out and says Arrrgggg that was petrol His friend replies, yes but was it regular or super Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted April 26, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 26, 2020 6 hours ago, PussEKatt said: A guy tells his friends that he can identify any drink at all. His friends bet him $100 that he cant. So they blindfold him and give him a drink. He says thats Jack Daniels 1987 They are impressed, so they give him another drink. He replies,thats Moet and Shandon 1902 His friends give him one more drink. He spits it out and says Arrrgggg that was petrol His friend replies, yes but was it regular or super He's back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted April 30, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted April 30, 2020 The Flat Earth Society have said they’re worried that continued social distancing will push people over the edge. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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