rjw63 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 A bloke and his wife spent their 25th wedding anniversary in the same hotel they'd spent their honeymoon night in. After a romantic dinner they returned to their room and were about to have sex when the wife turned to her husband and said "When you first saw me naked all those years ago, what was going through your mind?" "All I was thinking about was how I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the bloke. "So what are you thinking now?" asked the woman, removing the last of her clothes. "Well" said the bloke "I'm thinking it looks like I did a pretty good **** job". 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enda Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 How can you tell the difference between a cactus and a new BMW? A cactus has pricks on the outside. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 For a social experiment, i'm wearing a "I love Boris Johnson" t-shirt. So far i've ben spat at, punched, kicked and had food thrown at me. I dread to think what it will be like when I go outside. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 What do you call a China man between Stourbridge and Halesowen? Yao Min Lye. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Designer1 Posted March 4, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 4, 2020 Went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked "Do you have anything that kills Coronavirus?" She said "Ammonia Cleaner" I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here" 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 I was walking towards McDonalds and watched as this pretty young thing raced out of the doors dropping her purse on the ground. Having trouble walking, I tried to catch her to tell her she dropped her purse. I yelled but she was too involved looking at her smart phone, as they do, to hear me. I followed her yelling out "you have dropped your purse". No response. I followed her down the stairs onto the railway station platform knowing I'll catch her there while she waits for a train. No luck, as we get onto the platform the train doors open and she gets in. "Shit" I said. I board the train at the doors nearest me knowing I can walk through the train to her. I finally get to her and tell her "you dropped your purse at the doors of McDonalds". She thanks me, and as I turn to walk away, she say's "where is my purse?" I turned, looked at her and said "For **** sake, I told you, at the doors to McDonalds". I then walked off only to get a barrage of abuse from her. Un-****-grateful if you ask me. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty". I asked "What like pizzas or burgers?" He replied: "No. Just don't eat anything, you fat bastard". 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 4, 2020 Moderator Share Posted March 4, 2020 In town earlier and there was a busker playing really loud Abba songs. You could hear the drums from Nandos. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 15 minutes ago, BOF said: In town earlier and there was a busker playing really loud Abba songs. You could hear the drums from Nandos. It must be your accent, but I saw that one earlier and genuinely didn’t’t get it. Now its funny. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 4, 2020 Moderator Share Posted March 4, 2020 1 minute ago, chrisp65 said: It must be your accent, but I saw that one earlier and genuinely didn’t’t get it. Now its funny. To be sure. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 The wife just asked me whether i love football or her the most. I said 'open your legs and i'll show you' So i nut megged her 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 On 23/01/2020 at 18:09, theboyangel said: My daughter’s favourite self made joke when she was 5 was - what do you call a seagull blowing out candles? birthday seagull! it had her in hysterics every time she told it (which was a lot!) that's funny 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 I was in a restaurant the other day and the waiter asked me. Do you want red wine or white wine. It doesent matter I said, Im colour blind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 3 minutes ago, PussEKatt said: I was in a restaurant the other day and the waiter asked me. Do you want red wine or white wine. It doesent matter I said, Im colour blind Good to see some things never change. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 A ventroliquest was telling a blond joke when a platinum blond jumps up and says. What gives you the right to sling off at people because of the colour of their hair.What does the colour of my hair have to do with my worth as a human bieng. The ventroliquest starts to stammer and stutter as he tries to answer her. You shut up the blond says,Im talking to the little guy on your knee 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) Is it just me but everytime I hear Covid 19 , I expect to hear Birmingham City 0 at the end of it Edited March 18, 2020 by tonyh29 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 all this talk about loo rolls reminds of when I got caught short in Cannock I just got to the cubicle in time dropped my kegs and sat down' Some one in the next bog said Are you alright mate, I said ye, just made it in time. He said what are you doing, I said mmm I'm having a shit He said I'm hanging up now call you later, there is a nob in the next cubicle 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 Day 1 of working at home. My wife has already registered a complaint for sexual harassment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Robtaylor200 said: Day 1 of working at home. My wife has already registered a complaint for sexual harassment Still life in the old phallus yet then... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 Interview with the first Russian to get the virus, Ivor Chesticoff is doing fine 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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