theboyangel Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 53 minutes ago, mjmooney said: My four year old granddaughter has started telling jokes. I shall share them on here. First up... Q. What do you call a banana? A. Banana My daughter’s favourite self made joke when she was 5 was - what do you call a seagull blowing out candles? birthday seagull! it had her in hysterics every time she told it (which was a lot!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC_Hitz Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 I made up a joke at around age 5, which my mum will tell everyone when she's on her 3rd bottle of wine. Why did the snooker player pot the black? Because he wanted to show everyone his bum. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted January 26, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted January 26, 2020 My mate's having a party to combine Burns Night and Chinese New Year - he's calling it Chinese Burns Night. I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post imavillan Posted January 26, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Got a porn film the other day , I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock. Then I realised I hadn't switched the tv on. Edited January 26, 2020 by imavillan 3 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post colhint Posted January 29, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted January 29, 2020 A Villa fan goes into a bar in Wembley Barman said "the usual" 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 On 23/01/2020 at 17:13, mjmooney said: My four year old granddaughter has started telling jokes. I shall share them on here. First up... Q. What do you call a banana? A. Banana 4 years old and already funnier than Mrs Browns boys 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Just been to the doctors and told him that I keep thinking I am a pirate, he said we can cure that and gave me a patch He said I was overweight, I said that was due to a dripping tap I have. Ooooh how I love dripping While there I had a genealogy test, turns out I am related to Aladdin My uncle who's a lion tamer has fallen on hard times, the bank have made him bankrupt and taken everything except the animals. At least he still has his pride The Twitter world champion for contributions has died, we shall not see his like again 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 58 minutes ago, drat01 said: Just been to the doctors and told him that I keep thinking I am a pirate, he said we can cure that and gave me a patch He said I was overweight, I said that was due to a dripping tap I have. Ooooh how I love dripping While there I had a genealogy test, turns out I am related to Aladdin My uncle who's a lion tamer has fallen on hard times, the bank have made him bankrupt and taken everything except the animals. At least he still has his pride The Twitter world champion for contributions has died, we shall not see his like again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 My wife says She is weaving me for a mother plan because I dont listen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 2, 2020 Moderator Share Posted February 2, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. *Schwoooop* A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. *Schwoooop* Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. *Schwoooop* Two legs pop out!! The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit while he was a head". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted February 2, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 2, 2020 49 minutes ago, rjw63 said: A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. *Schwoooop* A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. *Schwoooop* Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. *Schwoooop* Two legs pop out!! The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit while he was a head". I was waiting for a "legless" punchline. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 48 minutes ago, mjmooney said: I was waiting for a "legless" punchline. I was expecting him to be called Bob or Clever Dick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villa4europe Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 personal trainer has just been sent down for dealing drugs, been going to him for years, just shows that you never really know someone, I had no idea he was a personal trainer 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 5 hours ago, villa4europe said: personal trainer has just been sent down for dealing drugs, been going to him for years, just shows that you never really know someone, I had no idea he was a personal trainer I’m sure this was bindunne as a dentist though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 5, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 5, 2020 A few years ago I went on a date with a disabled girl. We had a nice night and when I dropped her home she invited me in. It was a warm night so we sat out in her garden having a drink. One thing led to another and we started kissing. It was a bit awkward with her in her wheelchair so she told me to lift her out and put her on this swing they had hanging from one of the trees. So I did and we ended up having sex on the swing, with her legs hanging off the edge dangling around like noodles. Afterwards I lifted her back into her chair and wheeled her inside the house. Just as I was leaving her dad appeared and whispered to me "Thanks mate. Most lads just leave her stuck on the swing" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 6, 2020 Moderator Share Posted February 6, 2020 15 hours ago, Stevo985 said: A few years ago I went on a date with a disabled girl. We had a nice night and when I dropped her home she invited me in. It was a warm night so we sat out in her garden having a drink. One thing led to another and we started kissing. It was a bit awkward with her in her wheelchair so she told me to lift her out and put her on this swing they had hanging from one of the trees. So I did and we ended up having sex on the swing, with her legs hanging off the edge dangling around like noodles. Afterwards I lifted her back into her chair and wheeled her inside the house. Just as I was leaving her dad appeared and whispered to me "Thanks mate. Most lads just leave her stuck on the swing" Another one I suspect which should be in 'General Chat' or the relationship thread. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted February 11, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 11, 2020 Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. I **** love my new Taser. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted February 13, 2020 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted February 13, 2020 I was at the funeral of a friend of a friend the other day. The bloke used to be a traffic warden. As the coffin was being lowered into the ground, a voice from inside screams “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”The Vicar smiles, leans forward, tut tuts and mutters “Too late mate, I’ve already filled out the paperwork” 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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