Popular Post Seat68 Posted June 11, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted June 11, 2014 What do you call someone who points out the obvious ? Someone who points out the obvious 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted June 12, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted June 12, 2014 A motorist pulls up to the fuel pumps and says "Fill it up, please". The attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins. "Hey buddy" says the attendant to the driver "These birds can't be happy like this... they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something". The motorist agrees to do so. The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once again the attendant sees the penguins sitting in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels... "What's this?" he says to the driver "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?" The driver says "I did... and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach". 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 A guy is burgling a house when he hears a voice " Jesus is watching you" He stops and stays still..............after a while he carries on and he is just unplugging the DVD player when he hears the voice again "Jesus is watching you" He flashes his torch around and sees a parrot. Burgler:Was that you Parrot:Yes Burgler whats your name Parrot:Moses Burgler:What sort of person would call a parrot Moses ? Parrot:The same sort of person that would call a rotweiller Jesus. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted June 12, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted June 12, 2014 It's the start of the World Cup today. Or as the Scottish call it... 'Thursday' 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 The wife says it's time I lost some weight, so she bought me a pedometer. I have to wear it on my wrist and, with every step I take, it records the slight vibration and can tell how many miles I have walked in one day. It's great, I've been sat on the couch all day, watching "loose women". It says I've walked 12 miles. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 12, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted June 12, 2014 A guy is burgling a house when he hears a voice " Jesus is watching you" He stops and stays still..............after a while he carries on and he is just unplugging the DVD player when he hears the voice again "Jesus is watching you" He flashes his torch around and sees a parrot. Burgler:Was that you Parrot:Yes Burgler whats your name Parrot:Moses Burgler:What sort of person would call a parrot Moses ? Parrot:The same sort of person that would call a rotweiller Jesus. Oh my god. This is a real joke. It has a punchline and makes sense and everything. It even made me smile. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Folski Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 A guy is burgling a house when he hears a voice " Jesus is watching you" He stops and stays still..............after a while he carries on and he is just unplugging the DVD player when he hears the voice again "Jesus is watching you" He flashes his torch around and sees a parrot. Burgler:Was that you Parrot:Yes Burgler whats your name Parrot:Moses Burgler:What sort of person would call a parrot Moses ? Parrot:The same sort of person that would call a rotweiller Jesus. Oh my god. This is a real joke. It has a punchline and makes sense and everything. It even made me smile. Was shamefully stolen from sickipedia as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 A guy is burgling a house when he hears a voice " Jesus is watching you" He stops and stays still..............after a while he carries on and he is just unplugging the DVD player when he hears the voice again "Jesus is watching you" He flashes his torch around and sees a parrot. Burgler:Was that you Parrot:Yes Burgler whats your name Parrot:Moses Burgler:What sort of person would call a parrot Moses ? Parrot:The same sort of person that would call a rotweiller Jesus. Oh my god. This is a real joke. It has a punchline and makes sense and everything. It even made me smile. Was shamefully stolen from sickipedia as well. No, I first heard it years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Why do Penguins sit on eggs? Because there aren't any seats in Antartica. (At least not for Penguins) : )))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Why do Penguins sit on eggs? Because there aren't any seats in Antartica. (At least not for Penguins) : )))))) Is this the first occasion where someones User Name accurately reflects their capability to participate in the thread. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 That's not the first time someone has pointed out the correlation between my name and posting ability. I can only try to do my best. I'll try and get some really hilarious jokes for the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 That's not the first time someone has pointed out the correlation between my name and posting ability. I can only try to do my best. I'll try and get some really hilarious jokes for the thread. Your username is a key to how many you'd had when you posted that joke I think....chortle chortle. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 My two before that one I made up myself and managed to get a few likes which gave me a real confidence boost. I thought wait a minute this could be my new hobby so I was excited to write some more jokes. The latest one was more an adaptation of another joke but I think I wrecked it. Anyway I give up the jokes now I realise I'm rubbish, If I see any real funny ones I'll post them and hope it cheers anyone up. Peace!!!!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginko Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 If it helps, I think most jokes that are created and told - especially when you have to read them instead of hearing someone tell them - are a bit shit. I much prefer situational comedy and wit. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackbauer24 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Not so much a joke as a quick wit so to speak; Was taking the piss out of the gf regarding her height, normal on-going joke as relationships go calling her a short arse basically. She replied "I'm just the small package good things come in..." To which my instant reply was "thanks, nice to know you think I'm a good thing..." One-nil... To be fair even she laughed. Bad form to laugh at your own jokes but even I gave my mind a little high five for being that quick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Is she ginger with dirty feet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC_Hitz Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 A man dies and goes to the pearly gates where he meets St Peter. "You're in luck" says Peter. "Tonight's music night in the concert hall." The man gets very excited and thinks about the great musicians he'll see. So, the concert time comes and he takes his place in the auditorium. The spot light goes to the drum kit and exposes Keith Moon. The man is getting excited and he waits to see who's on lead guitar. The spotlight turns on and exposes Jimmy Hendrix on lead. "Wow" this guy thinks. "Bloody amazing stuff". Then spotlight falls onto the bassist and it reveals Entwistle. The man can't wait now to see who's going to be the lead singer. The spotlight falls on the mic and there's Bono. The man's confused and turns to the guy next to him "did Bono die the same day as me?" "No" he replies "That's just God, who thinks he's Bono." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post tonyh29 Posted June 17, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted June 17, 2014 I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way... but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate? 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted June 17, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted June 17, 2014 ^^^^ Stolen for FB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I'd quite like a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could see myself doing. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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