useless Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 two penguins are in a canoe in the middle of a desert. the penguin sitting in the front is paddling real hard but their boat is barely moving, so he turns around to check on back penguin, and back penguin is just sitting there chillin. pissed off, front penguin asks: "where's your paddle??!" back penguin answers, "sure does!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrinityRoadSteps Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 A baby penguin decides to have a bit of a swim, so he leaves the colony and heads to the water. After his swim he goes back to the colony but realises he can't find his mom and dad. He goes up to one of the penguins on the edge of the colony and says "I can't find my mom and dad. Can you help me find them please" The penguin replies "Sure I can kid. What do they look like" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 I hear Celtic are changing their name to oscar pistorius; lost both legs and had 4 shots on target but still got away with murder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrinityRoadSteps Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Aberdeenshire farmer?Mick Jagger is always having to say "Hey you, get off of my cloud" and the farmer is always having to say "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post TrinityRoadSteps Posted August 9, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 9, 2014 Frank Lampard arrived at City today and says he's settled in well, adding: "I recognise many of the fans from when they supported Chelsea" 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 I apologise for the following joke. it's wrong on so many levels, and I'm going to put it in a spoiler so only click on it if you're not easily offended: Hell of a week for Frank Maloney... First of all he gets off his shoulders a burden caused by a secret he's been hiding for years and now, he gets to play Mrs Doubtfire in the sequel! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 That wasn't offensive at all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 (edited) When I was a kid I used to hide behind the sofa when Doctor Who was on. I still do, although these days it's because I don't want my wife to see I'm wanking over Jenna Coleman. Edited August 12, 2014 by rjw63 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 So if in 2040 Robin Williams suddenly reappears again, we know he was just trapped in a board game the whole time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Just heard that some famous bloke called Williams has died. I wonder if it was Serena or Venus? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrinityRoadSteps Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.Fingers crossed it's just child porn and not new music 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted August 19, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted August 19, 2014 Top ten jokes from the Edinburgh fringe this year. It must've been a bad year: 1) “I’ve decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.” Tim Vine 2) “I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.” Masai Graham 3) “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." Mark Watson 4) “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.” Bec Hill 5) “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.” Ria Lina 6) “Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor 7) “Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.” Scott Capurro =8) “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a-------.” Kevin Day =8) I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.” Jason Cook 10) “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post TrinityRoadSteps Posted August 19, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 19, 2014 When I was younger my parents used to sit down and listen to Cliff Richard. Instead of coming into my room and stopping him 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Top ten jokes from the Edinburgh fringe this year. It must've been a bad year: 7) “Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.” Scott Capurro That's abysmal. PussEKatt would be ashamed of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Semen rubbed into your face makes you look younger. Doesn't it Cliff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Julian Assange has had two years to come up with a good disguise, and all he's done is grow a beard. He needs to take some lessons from Frank Maloney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 What have Cliff Richard and a bird over Old Trafford got in common? They both leave a sticky white deposit in a Young mouth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skarroki Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Fancy another? oK then............ A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." I realise I'm going WAY back but my phone opens pages on the last page I read and as I rarely visit off topic it sent me to page 1. Thought this was brilliant. Some of you guys have been kicking about for over 10 years! Had no idea how long the forum had been going Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 20, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted August 20, 2014 Oh yes. Back in my day, a good joke would be greeted with a picture of Frank Carson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Fancy another? oK then............ A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." I realise I'm going WAY back but my phone opens pages on the last page I read and as I rarely visit off topic it sent me to page 1. Thought this was brilliant. Some of you guys have been kicking about for over 10 years! Had no idea how long the forum had been going That poster seems familiar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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