WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Stevo985]

Deary me

[mjmooney]

[trimandson]

Mooney expressed his disgust with a lolcat, villahero UP YOUR GAME!

[kimmie]

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind

him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample

and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and

better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for

good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would

happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will

never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[Qwpzxjor1]

That's one of my favourite ever jokes Kimmie Been a while since I heard it though, thanks

[BOF]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[duncandares]

Breaking News: Rio Ferdinand to leave football to pursue an acting career..

He's got a part in the new batman film. Apparently all he has to do is stand there and say 'Where's Robben'

[Anthony]

A fine joke Brian. Not bad for a dog.

[shambles]

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Can I just say that this is not funny. This is an actual true story and happened to ME personally in June 2003.

[rjw63]

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Can I just say that this is not funny. This is an actual true story and happened to ME personally in June 2003.

What? They left the Foo's CD behind??

[chrissmith921]

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Can I just say that this is not funny. This is an actual true story and happened to ME personally in June 2003.

What? They left the Foo's CD behind??

**** hilarious!

[Chindie]

Just been outside and been hit on the head by a lasagne, black forest gateaux and a garlic baguette?

Must be the fall out from Iceland.

...shamelessly stolen from a text message that not so much caused me to laugh as groan.

[Nigel]

Chindie that is dire!

[kurtsimonw]

At least it's one of them jokes that's so bad it's funny.

[tonyh29]

aswe are doing Iceland jokes ...

Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and the Icelandic volcano?

A: Maddie only ruined one holiday.

[Villadevon]

Grimsby Fan

Now I’m as optimistic as anyone when it comes to this **** of a football club, but after this afternoon’s latest capitulation it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee – we’re ****ed. Down. Goners. Non-league. To be honest I didn’t know how it would affect me, it’s not like it hasn’t been coming, but tonight I just feel absolutely deflated. Absolutely ****ing devastated.

I can’t get away from these emotions, I just want the whole world to just **** off and leave me alone. To help me come to terms with this whole mess, I’ve decided to compile a list of everyone and everything I want to **** off most of all.

For starters, work can **** off. If they think I’m going to be there on Monday morning they’ve got another thing coming. No way am I going in to spend time dealing with ****s that I can barely stand being with when I’m in a good mood, let alone this crushing feeling of anger, frustration and outright metaphorical-kicked-in-the-bollocks-ness.

Plastic Premier League fans can **** off. I just spoke to my Manchester United supporting neighbour (who incidentally, has been to Old Trafford before – twice) about Town’s predicament. You know what he said? “I know how you feel; it’s like when we failed to win a trophy in ‘95”. NO IT ****ING WELL IS NOT!

He no longer has a face.

The girlfriend can definitely **** off. Her best attempt at consolation – “I don’t know why you’re bothered; you knew they were shit anyway”. Yes love, but they’re MY shit team. They’ve been MINE for pretty much as long as I’ve been able to wipe my own arse, and they’ll be MINE for as long as I’m alive (or at least, until I’m no longer able to wipe my own arse). Truth is, watching my team win does things for me that no woman can. If push comes to shove and I’m horny, I can always have a wank.

Barrow can **** off. I’ve been all over the country and beyond to watch my team, but frankly I just don’t have the stomach to visit any town which makes Scunthorpe look like ****ing St. Tropez.

Dad, you can **** off. This is your fault. Your idea. You introduced me to this shower of shit. “Come with me to Blundell Park”, you said, “Come and support the boys”. What could I do? I was ****ing four, what choice did I have? Why not get me hooked on Heroin whilst you were at it? I could have gone with mum shopping for bras and knickers at British Home Stores, but no, you knew best.

Granted, I’d have probably grown up a homosexual but surely even being simultaneously buggered two guys named Seth and Quentin couldn’t hurt like this.

Seeing as we’re on the subject of homosexuality, Gok Wan can **** off. No particular reason, I just plain don’t like the annoying, goggle-eyed ****.

The F.A. can **** off. Not for supplying us, week-in, week- out, with inept referee after inept referee, but for imposing sensible financial rules on all clubs in League Two. How many clubs in this division have been into administration this season? Not one. How many points deducted? Not one. How the **** else are we supposed to avoid relegation – footballing merit? We didn’t have to last season, so why spoil the fun now?

The World Cup can **** off – I don’t care anymore.

My local pizza shop can **** off. I ordered a 12” Pepperoni over an hour ago, and where the **** is it? Are they trying to ****ing fly it to me or something?

Sky Sports can **** off. Nothing personal, but there’ll be little need for me next season with no Town to be found anywhere. Ooh, Bolton versus Wolves, LIVE. I think I’ll pass...

The radio can **** off. On my way home from the match, whilst driving down the M180, I caught three completely separate stations playing ‘Down’ by Jay Sean at the exact same ****ing time. The song’s the best part of a year old, how the **** does that happen by coincidence!?

My nan’s old lucky Buddha that used to sit in her front room can **** off. When I was a kid I held it in my hands and wished for Town to be in the Premier League. I meant the proper one you fat ****, not the one occupied by Histon, Eastbourne and for ****’s sake, Ebbsfleet, wherever that is.

Tonight can **** off. I’ve had enough of trying to cope with my emotions; the time has come for oblivion. I haven’t kept any booze in the house since an occasion known only as ‘That Night’ by myself and the missus, but suffice to say that the toilet duck and luminous blue mouthwash are looking like stronger propositions by the minute.

Most of all though, the last 10 years can **** off. In that time I’ve watched my team fall from the top of the Championship into non-league nothingness. We’ve gone from one great big **** up to the next without even coming up for air, and today is just the big, **** off cherry on top.

One thing I’m sure of though is that we WILL be back. When it comes down to it, a football club is basically just a set of supporters, and frankly what I’ve learned in the last few years is that this one has some of the best. We’ve had to put up with some shit, haven’t we boys, but in spite of all of that the future is still bright – it’s ****ing black and white.

Grimsby ‘til I die...

[paddy]

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Can I just say that this is not funny. This is an actual true story and happened to ME personally in June 2003.

What? They left the Foo's CD behind??

**** hilarious!

One of the funniest things I've ever experienced was staying at my mate's house in Manchester. While I was there he was the victim of a sneak in burglary. His housemate thought all his DVDs had been stolen. Then he noticed that they'd left one, "QPR Road to Promotion" I think it was called. He was more pissed offf that they'd left that one than the fact that they'd taken all the others.

He certainly didn't find it as funny as we did. I just love the audacity of a sneak in burglar to sort through the DVDs he was stealing.

[paddy]

Another taken from an occasional VT poster:

I was at a party and the DJ played "sit down" and we all sat down. "Then he played "Jump" and we all jumped. Then "Come on Eileen" came on... I got kicked out

[Milfner]

[Craigyh74]

A scouser walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just hate drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is £200,000 a year.'

The scouser says 'You're bullshitin me!'

The social worker answered 'Well you started it, now fukoff''.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Found out last night my granny made a porno back in the 70's. Dunno what disgusted me more, the fact she made it or that I carried on wanking after I recognised her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------