duncandares

I should live so long....!!!

15 year old me? That would be 1970......avoid the fashion police!!

The Loin King!

One of the greats...what a voice.

The gerbil...thanks for that it reminded me of this old gem....Armageddon Not Safe For Work!!

I'd be up for a bit of Winkling!!

My late mother and father. I'm 56 and I hate being an orphan.

Why are women so ungrateful? Last night I gave my missus an orgasm and she spat it out.

Emile Heskey - you have to admire the guy. He has a disastrous world cup , gets slated by everyone, comes home, puts a frock on and wins Wimbledon.

Jimmy Cliff Many Rivers to Cross.

Apparently, Nigerian midfielder Sani Kaita has had over 1,000 emails threatening him with his death after getting sent off in the World Cup match a few days ago. He has replied to every one personally, sympathising with their pain and asking for bank details to enable him to repay them for his stupidity.

if that's true then crikey we really will have robbed them blind! If thats true i will go and renew my season ticket. If thats true i will show my arse in burtons window!.. ...and I'd pay to see it!! :shock:

Breaking News: Rio Ferdinand to leave football to pursue an acting career.. He's got a part in the new batman film. Apparently all he has to do is stand there and say 'Where's Robben'

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow". Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren. Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway". Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise. --------------------

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.' 'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Paddys wife says "I want a rape alarm" So next morning he covers her mouth, holds her down, f*cks her up the arse and whispers "Its time to get up love !"

Born and raised in Erdington, now reside in the North East. Have extensive family still resident in Brum, so have somewhere too stay for home games.

No, its OK mate, I ran out of credit and then they wouldn’t let me use it in the intensive care unit. The key is under the matt, don’t touch my porn, I will be there later. P.S. Bring your sister after seeing my mum’s tits when they were resuscitating her, I fancy a f*ck

My mate just text me saying his mum had been badly injured in a car crash, I replied with 'Sweet news mate, free house this weekend then, I'll get the beers in' .......I haven't had a reply

Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?

Photograph’s in the paper today show Katie Price wearing a custom made Diamond bracelet, with matching ring and necklace. Bought for her by new boyfriend Alex Reid Is anyone else thinking? Pimp my ride.

Paddy takes his gold fish back to the pet store complaining that it has epilepsy. After studying the gold fish for several minutes the pet shop assistant turns to paddy and says "It looks fine to me" Paddy replies "You haven't taken if out of the **** bowl yet!"

I cannot believe The Wire falls into your A.N. Other category..it is the ONE stand-out series by far..........For those who haven't seen it, get the Series DVD's and treat yourself.......

Beastie Boys Anthology Sounds of Science...... Somethings Got To Give.

Also in the Dad's age bracket ( A sprightly 51)...and able to work the computer...also have you noticed how much better our spelling is? What do they teach you whippersnapper's these days?