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kurtsimonw

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About kurtsimonw

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    Player Manager
  • Birthday 21/09/1987

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    Lichfield, England

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  1. Not been in to work this week and unlikely to change. Before I go to sleep my anxiety kicks in hard, I'm sweating and my heart is pounding, there's no way I can get to sleep. Around 5:30am I drift off and then I'm exhausted when my 7:00 alarm goes off and my anxiety hits again. I don't really see a way out of how my life is. I see things so easy for others around me, and I am stuck in this hole of loneliness and depression. Doctors, therapists, medication... nobody and nothing can just change that. I just feel nothing. I'm not even sad, I don't cry. It really feels like game over.
  2. I think it's a win for the Rams. They're likely to be back end 1st rounders anyway and Peters has gotten blown up a bit anyway, they need a Ramsey.
  3. Free kick? Never seen it, or heard of it, before
  4. All things considered, can't complain.
  5. I've really no idea. It seemed like we were becoming good friends, but then since my breakup things changed. Maybe he always been shit and I hadn't noticed because I was a bit happier myself. Thanks mate. I will just have to try and phase him out in the new year. I can't do confrontation and have a baseline anxiety even when I'm okay. Sometimes even on here I worry I might have said something to bother someone, or that they would dislike me because of something I've said. It's probably weird, but ultimately I can't help how I feel and it's shit, it's hard to meet new people as a result. Definitely feel like I'm doomed to be that friendless, single, loser and it's really not a nice thought.
  6. No Barkley. No Engram. On the road in New England. #1 defense in the league. What could go wrong.
  7. I do feel like it is pretty "last minute" at this stage. The fittings have been done, stag has been arranged. I do feel it's past the point of no return. It's frustrating as hell, I just have to get through this next few months and put it behind me and then I won't feel tied to him in any way.
  8. It is stressful. That's another reason I'm surprised he asked. I've got really bad anxiety, so a speech is an impossibility, which he ans his other half know. I don't know anyone outside of him and the odd occasion I've seen his missus, which has made the stag do organising a bit awkward. I'd love to not be able to give a shit what others though, unfortunately when you feel like nobody likes you, you can't help but cling on to any positivity and hope people like you!
  9. You could pay me an hourly wage to play FUT, and I just wouldn't.
  10. Because ultimately, it affects how I feel. Waking up every day feeling like nobody likes me isn't a good feeling, it's awful. It makes me feel sick and it makes it hard to go to work. Maybe I'm wrong to do so, but deep down I believe that your value is determined by others, I can't change that I feel that way. I can pretend that I can be happy on my own liking myself, but I'm not. If you have someone who people always show they like, want to spend time with them, invite them to places, treat them well - how can I not see that person as valuable? It goes further than that, I've read that women like men with friends, as it gives them value. People tend to agree more with well liked people. So not only do I feel shit. I feel I'll never get a relationship. Even if I did pull out of best man duties, the fact he's more liked in the office I think people would just side with him, I also don't think I'd feel comfortable slagging someone off to work colleagues, to explain why I pulled out. I struggle with confrontation like that. It took a lot out of me messaging him about the money for Dominos, even then I only managed to do it was because I was so annoyed. I really hope I can just ride it out and then distance myself from him in the new year, I would've done a lot sooner if the wedding wasn't coming up, but fittings, stag do, etc have just meant it's been hard to cut that tie. No, you're right. I do feel grateful for things like that, but I often seem to misinterpret it as people liking me or actual friendship. Hardly anyone showing up for my BBQ, the lack of birthday wishes.. I didn't show up for work for nearly a week and not one person asked how I was doing or wondered how I was. I felt shit not going in, but when 5 days pass and you realise you've had no contact from anyone at all, you wonder whether you should even bother continuing to exist. I 100% know I don't have it in me to pull out. I just need to get on with the next 3 months and go from there.
  11. I guess the sensible option would be to not be his best man. But I do worry that'll just make things worse. He's confident and well liked around the office, and they will only see it from the outside as me letting him down a few months before his wedding. I am concerned it would just make my position in the office literally impossible to deal with. I'm just hoping I can get that out of the way with.
  12. So I mentioned previously I'm best man for a wedding just after Christmas... I also said I don't know why he asked me to be best man, and it's becoming more apparent that I really shouldn't be. When he said, I was very flattered and it was a time where our friendships seemed to be growing, but even then we hadn't known each other for very long. But it's been 18 months of just feeling let down and essentially disrespected and unappreciated if I'm honest. I've seen him outside of work about 12 times in that period. Might seem like a reasonable amount, But all but 2 of those occasions were at the gym. At Silverstone he spent almost the entire 3 days on his phone, unresponsive to any kind of conversation. Even with the gym, I'd been with a local one as I'm not a driver. He wanted to go to one closer to him but said he'd pick me up as he wanted someone to go with. Fine. After about 6 weeks of going, he kept making excuses, which meant I was left tied in to a contract of a gym I couldn't get to. After my break up, if I tried to talk to him, after about 30 seconds he'd pick his phone up, message away and just not look up, not even listen. Last week he signed up to the gym I now go to, asked if I'd go Tuesday/Thursday night with him as they were the only nights he could do. They're a bit more awkward for me, but I thought why not. He bailed both nights. This Sunday we were going in to Birmingham after work. At half 12 (we were going at 1), he said he needed to pop home first but shouldn't be long - needed to move a bed and wardrobe or something, and that I can get the train and he'll meet me there, then he'll drop me back home. If he drives, I pay for parking because I don't like the idea people are paying out for something (petrol) and me freeloading off that. So I buy a single ticket, nearly £6.00. I meet the other lad who was meeting us there. We message him at about half 2 to see if he's on his way. Nothing. An hour later, still nothing. He doesn't show up at all, nor does he apologise or say he won't be able to make it. I then have to buy another single home, much higher than the cost of a return. Sure, it might only have cost me a £5 more, but it's more the principle and the complete lack of thought to someone else, especially when he knows I do struggle a bit financially. He wanted a dominos the other week and pushed me in to that, I do struggle to say no sometimes, but I paid for it and he hadn't paid me back. So I messaged him yesterday to see if he'd paid (knowing he hadn't) and he came up with some excuse and sent it. No mention of Sunday and why he didn't show. He's still yet to really introduce me to anyone. I've met his wife to be a half dozen times when she's come in to work, that's it. Imagine trying to organise a stag do, it's been a nightmare. I'm really **** fed up with everything. This is supposedly my best mate, my only really friend. All the while these sorts of things get defended by others with "This happens, things come up" and similar shit. That I'm taking things too personally. Being told I am liked, that loads of people at work consider me a friend, when every single action shows otherwise. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I would just not be best man, but then I'll be the one who looks like the bad guy. Even beyond that, I really feel like my life is shit. I work 10 hours a day if I can get in, if I don't it's just 24 hours on my own. Every time I start to get that little glimmer of hope, it disappears when I get crushed by something else. I really, really don't know what to do from here.
  13. Great division to watch this year, even the Cards have entertainment value.
  14. Bosa's flag planting celebration was superb
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