WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Stevo985]

What's the difference between Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct and Bendtner in the game against Burnley?

Both were shit Nicholas performances, but in the game against burnley you got to see the hairy clearing in the woods for 80 minutes.

[Hurdy]

Ok - here's one a true story which happened to me last week, whilst out driving I ran over a hare. I could see in the rear view mirror that it was still moving so I got out to have a look and discovered that both its back legs were broken. I decided that a decent thing to do would be to put it out of its misery quickly by hitting it over the head with a rock. I was about to give the fatal blow when a police car happened on the scene and I was accosted by a PC telling me what I was doing was illegal in my parish as hares were a protected species. He told me to bring the hare to the boot of the police car where upon another officer produced a can of spray and sprayed its back legs. Within seconds the hare gained a new lease of life and ran off seemingly unharmed. When I asked what was in the can the second officer told me it was just hair restorer.

Go.

Now.

[BOF]

Both were shit Nicholas performances

OFTLOG.

[Nigel]

Man says to his wife, "Our sex life is getting boring, do you fancy playing a game of rape?"

She says "No"

He replies "Thats the spirit!"

[Stevo985]

May have already been done.

2 mexicans are walking through the desert. They've been walking for days and are on the brink of death. Suddenly they spot a large tree draped in rashers and rashers of bacon.

"Ey essay" Said Miguel. "We're saved, eets a bacon treeee"

Miguel runs towards the tree leaving Paulo behind. Just as he gets to the tree, he is shot in the chest and falls backwards.

"Noooo" shouts Paulo as he runs to help his friend. "Miguel, wha' happened, essay?"

"Quick" Miguel gasps with his dying breaths "Run, Paulo. Eets not a bacon tree....eets a ham bush!"

[wiggyrichard]

May have already been done.

2 mexicans are walking through the desert. They've been walking for days and are on the brink of death. Suddenly they spot a large tree draped in rashers and rashers of bacon.

"Ey essay" Said Miguel. "We're saved, eets a bacon treeee"

Miguel runs towards the tree leaving Paulo behind. Just as he gets to the tree, he is shot in the chest and falls backwards.

"Noooo" shouts Paulo as he runs to help his friend. "Miguel, wha' happened, essay?"

"Quick" Miguel gasps with his dying breaths "Run, Paulo. Eets not a bacon tree....eets a ham bush!"

That is fooking terrible

[mjmooney]

Fuckinell Stevo. I heard that one at primary school in the 1960s!

[Stevo985]

Haha, I know its old but I heard it on the radio yesterday and it cracked me up.

[chrissmith921]

Fuckinell Stevo. I heard that one at primary school in the 1960s!

What I'm worried about is not the age of his joke, but what a 30 something year old was doing hanging around primary schools?

[orkneyvilla]

Ok what about this one. Does anyone know where Kung-Fu got its name from. Apparently monks in the high Tibetan plateau use to develop agility by doging spears in the early morning. On one ocassion a session of spear chucking began before the first dodger was ready so that when he turned round to begin the session he was pireced through both cheeks by a spear - to which he uttered 'what 'Kung-Fu' that .

[Stevo985]

That is infinitely better than your last one!

But both deserve some sort of award for anti climaxes

[Designer1]

Husband Store 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[CMduck]

Husband Store 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Old but fantastic.

Here's a cringe worthy one;

A guy walks into a bar with tarmac under his arm and says to the bartender "One for me and one for the road".

[theboyangel]

A priest drives down a country road and accidentally knocks over a frog. He leaps out of the car and rushes to the amphibian that is lay unconcious on the road.

The priest picks the frog up and can feel a faint heartbeat so puts the frog in his car and takes it home.

At the priests house, the frog is put into the priest's bed and given a warm blanket and a bowl of fly soup.

The frog appears to be on it's last legs, so the priest bends down and gives the frog the kiss of life, to which the frog turns into an 11yr old boy.

That, members of the jury is the case for the defence!

[chrisp65]

they say being a full time mum is the hardest thing in the world

Yeah?

you try wanking with a laptop on your knees

[usvilla]

Man walks into a local bar in kentucky & orders a glass of white wine

local guy says - you aint from round here , where ya from ?

he says im from Canada

So what do ya do in Canada then ?

Im a taxidermist

a what ? ya drive a taxi ?

no - actually i mount animals

ah - its ok fellers he,s one of us !!

[rjw63]

Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

"Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!" his mate says.

"I get lots of practice" replied the other guy, "My wife's an epileptic"

[rjw63]

Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Roy, I'm not going to beat around the bush you have AIDS."

Roy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doc says "Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, a box of All Bran, and top it off with a litre of prune juice".

Roy asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for"

[rjw63]

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

[rjw63]

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can say "nigger" on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.