What is your experience of mental health?

[villaglint]

On 12/05/2019 at 22:33, kurtsimonw said:

I have. I called a few people who I thought cared, they didn't answer. Or if they pick up, they've got "two minutes", but mostly they don't answer.  I don't post on social media, maybe a couple of times a year at most, it's not like I'm some dramatic person who does it every month. I can't seem to create any kind of connection with people, nothing beyond acquaintance level, anyway. 

My GP seems to be out of ideas. I'm out of luck it seems. It seemed to good to be true when things turned around. 

Life can change. It’s pretty much all it does.

You’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. You feel utterly hopeless and that nothing is better than a negative. But even in that moment you’ve given an example of a time when things did change of when you found a time of happiness. It didn’t work out that time but whose to say you won’t fluke it again. Life is a constant series of flukes and always a surprise to us poor saps running around with animals brains in a world too fast for its own good. Maybe the next fluke is someone who loves you no matter what, someone who’ll love you always no matter how hard you try to duck it up. 

 

[Rugeley Villa]

49 minutes ago, A'Villan said:

Alone, I'm always in good company. That's not to suggest that I avoid people in any way. Life is all about relationship.

I prefer my own company a lot of the time. Was like that when I was a little kid so I’m told.

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, A'Villan said:

Alone, I'm always in good company. That's not to suggest that I avoid people in any way. Life is all about relationship.

Was more in reply to Kurt and relationships/women.

I still partake in socialising etc. but not having a nagging, needy, materialistic misrable **** in your ear everyday is bliss.  

[kurtsimonw]

I think trying speed dating was a mistake. Well, kind of. I put myself out there which was tough. It has made me feel very ugly though. 

I do have people at work who also how I'm doing. They're not friends, but acquaintances who do seem to give a shit. The problem is, they say things which makes me feel that I am ugly. A few people I told I tried online dating to said "maybe you're going after people too attractive? ". Even without seeing who I'm messaging, they just assume the people I message are too attractive, which suggests they think most women are for me! 

I do feel really alone. It's even harder when I feel like the elephant man's ugly brother, because I genuinely see no way out. 

[Ingram85]

Nothing we say in here is going to help you one bit, and I don't think your mindset is allowing you to rationally think about and utilise any help or advice anyone gives you at the moment anyway. Whether you want to dismiss it or not is up to you but its **** clear that you need qualified professional help and a bit of time away from focusing on dating/relationship crap. 

You are single at the moment so embrace it. If you can't be happy on your own/with yourself then you'll be just as insecure in a relationship and it will be doomed to fail. 

Seek out and stick with any talking therapies to help you through this passage of time. They may not work straight away and it could feel in vain for a while but eventually it'll click because as months and months pass by those wounds will be starting to heal and you'll be more open to the therapy. It could take months and months. You need it though. 

[A'Villan]

13 minutes ago, Ingram85 said:

Nothing we say in here is going to help you one bit, and I don't think your mindset is allowing you to rationally think about and utilise any help or advice anyone gives you at the moment anyway. Whether you want to dismiss it or not is up to you but its **** clear that you need qualified professional help and a bit of time away from focusing on dating/relationship crap. 

You are single at the moment so embrace it. If you can't be happy on your own/with yourself then you'll be just as insecure in a relationship and it will be doomed to fail. 

Seek out and stick with any talking therapies to help you through this passage of time. They may not work straight away and it could feel in vain for a while but eventually it'll click because as months and months pass by those wounds will be starting to heal and you'll be more open to the therapy. It could take months and months. You need it though. 

That's not entirely true.

Are you familiar with Peer Support Therapy?

If not, I'd recommend spending some time reading on it, if you are, well then I don't expect you need me to explain myself and can see the flaw in your comment..

I would also strongly recommend getting a therapist, but picking one at random and sticking with it with the expectation that it will make you come good, that's not always true either.

Getting a therapist and developing your understanding of how they work is absolutely, as @Ingram85 says, is a route worth walking down.

You may even see that drastic change by 2021 that was mentioned in our last chat.

[kurtsimonw]

I have been seeing a therapist since the breakup, I'm also on medication. 

It's not about focusing on something, it's about what I'd making me feel alone and unhappy. It's also when attempting to try and date, even if nothing comes of it, that nobody at all is interested in me in any way. Rejection is a bitch. 

As for me. I don't really know what else I can do. Aside from a wage rise which is not likely as I've had 3 in the past 13 months, I can't really ask for much more. Self improvement can only go so far, before you need others to help improve your quality of life. 

[Rugeley Villa]

Maybe you need to let go of trying to find someone and let it happen naturally. You could be trying too hard and come across too needy. Also you need to start loving yourself and liking yourself before you can expect anyone else to do the same. I think I’ve seen a photo of you before that you posted on here with your ex. Not that it matters, but if I remember right  you didn’t seem ugly to me, but as I said it doesn’t matter anyway. We’ve all seen bloke with women and thought how did he get her. Being confident with yourself and being confident with life itself is attractive to women . Also being a nice person is too, which I’m sure you are. I’m no oil painting and I’m doing alright, and I’m an horrible bastard at times. I’ve been there myself where I couldn’t get out of bed and go to work because of relationship trouble. As I said it’s important you start liking YOU before hoping other people do..

Edited May 20, 2019 by Rugeley Villa

[Amsterdam_Neil_D]

10 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Maybe you need to let go of trying to find someone and let it happen naturally. You could be trying too hard and come across too needy. Also you need to start loving yourself and liking yourself before you can expect anyone else to do the same. I think I’ve seen a photo of you before that you posted on here with your ex. Not that it matters, but if I remember right  you didn’t seem ugly to me, but as I said it doesn’t matter anyway. We’ve all seen bloke with women and thought how did he get her. Being confident with yourself and being confident with life itself is attractive to women . Also being a nice person is too, which I’m sure you are. I’m no oil painting and I’m doing alright, and I’m an horrible bastard at times. I’ve been there myself where I couldn’t get out of bed and go to work because of relationship trouble. As I said it’s important you start liking YOU before hoping other people do..

This is a brilliant post and contains everything I was going to write. 

 

[Rugeley Villa]

17 minutes ago, Amsterdam_Neil_D said:

This is a brilliant post and contains everything I was going to write. 

 

I copied it out of some relationship guide  

[kurtsimonw]

Does the "let it happen naturally" thing work? I was single until I was 30, it's a long time to be alone and nothing just happened naturally. 

Unfortunately being down about being single, alone and rejected isn't a mental health issue, it's a natural reaction IMO.

I don't think the "loving yourself" thing works. I may have said before, but there isn't much I would change. I am the way I am because I think it makes me a good person. I don't really want for anything materially. Yes, my anxiety is something I'm trying to rid myself of or at least improve, but otherwise? I'm happy with who I am, and can say without hesitation that I think I'm a very decent person. But there's no real fulfilment for me just being a decent person on my own. 

[Rugeley Villa]

Of course it can work. Take the pressure off yourself and give it a go. My relationship came out of the blue and hit me right between the eyes. No doubt you think you’re a good person and you are happy with that, but you certainly seem very insecure and you don’t talk good about yourself sometimes . You keep saying you’re ugly, and you talk yourself down like that. Have you had one night stands before? Do they interest you? 

[Chindie]

Yes, the let it come naturally thing works.

I met my girlfriend at work. I hadn't long started a new job, I needed to print something and the printer was bust, she was closest to the printer and helped me, we got talking from there and eventually I asked if she wanted to go for a drink one night.

I am useless with women. I could never, ever pull. I got pulled effectively a couple of times by some women happy to have anything male with a pulse, but that's it. I'm no oil painting, I have severe anxiety issues (that, currently, are completely ruining my life, but even before that were an significant issue). I used to get very morose at the fact I was perennially single and there was nothing in my life as far as women went.

And then I stopped caring. I just enjoyed myself for whatever I wanted to do. My social life basically didn't exist, my mates all went around the country, but I just became content with my lot and got on with it. And I met my girlfriend and that was that.

Defining yourself, your happiness, as being with someone isn't good. A partner is a support, someone who can raise your well-being, enjoyment of life, to the next level. But to have the need of someone else being to the be all and end all isn't good. It places pressure on everything instantly - you, because the apparent need for someone will exacerbate any pressure you feel to establish a relationship which will become a vicious cycle, and them, because you're effectively putting the weight of your happiness, the fulfillment of your life, on them as well. That's a lot to shoulder, especially early on in a relationship. And that 'neediness' for want of a better way to put it, isn't attractive to most people. 

Forget dating or the like, set it all aside, find the enjoyment of life for yourself, and see where that takes you.

[kurtsimonw]

21 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Of course it can work. Take the pressure off yourself and give it a go. My relationship came out of the blue and hit me right between the eyes. No doubt you think you’re a good person and you are happy with that, but you certainly seem very insecure and you don’t talk good about yourself sometimes . You keep saying you’re ugly, and you talk yourself down like that. Have you had one night stands before? Do they interest you? 

I've had one woman show any kind of interest in me. That's not me putting myself down, that's just how it is. 

Just waiting for something to happen didn't work before, and I was 30 at that point. Being more confident, talking to girls, etc and eventually I ended up with my ex. 

If I stay like this for another 15 years, do you know what people will say? "You should've been putting yourself out there, a girl isn't just going to come to you without trying!" 

@Chindie while I do agree to an extent, I'm not putting all of my happiness on that, it's just the absence of it is making me unhappy and feel negative about how I look, that I just be very unappealing. Getting a girlfriend isn't just meaning she's responsible for my happiness, because as I say I am very happy with how the rest of my life is going for the most part. 

If a requirement to being happy is being on your own and I can't do that, then I'm completely ****. I can not be happy when the entire world makes me feel unwanted in that sense. Its a vivacious cycle which is seemingly impossible to get out of. 

[Ingram85]

13 hours ago, A'Villan said:

That's not entirely true.

Are you familiar with Peer Support Therapy?

If not, I'd recommend spending some time reading on it, if you are, well then I don't expect you need me to explain myself and can see the flaw in your comment..

I would also strongly recommend getting a therapist, but picking one at random and sticking with it with the expectation that it will make you come good, that's not always true either.

Getting a therapist and developing your understanding of how they work is absolutely, as @Ingram85 says, is a route worth walking down.

You may even see that drastic change by 2021 that was mentioned in our last chat.

I don't think it is a flaw. We can offer support of course but with the specific issue of turning his life around then no, our advice won't help. He has to change his mindset first. Oh and peer support therapy is a more focused talking group therapy whereby everyone involved is in or has been in a very similar situation and is not something done in an off topic section of a football forum.

We might provide a tiny bit of comfort but it won't change his thinking, only himself, professional help and time will do that. 

[kurtsimonw]

I've seen a number of therapists and counsellors for many years. It hasn't changed anything though. Time and help I've had, in abundance.

I feel I just have to accept the fact I'm meant to be alone and unhappy. Life isn't for everyone, I suppose. 

[AVFCDAN]

2 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

Does the "let it happen naturally" thing work? I was single until I was 30, it's a long time to be alone and nothing just happened naturally. 

In my experience, its a YES and NO.

You can't force the issue and come across as desperate or a creep but you still need to put yourself out there to a degree e.g. spark up a conversation at the bar or ask the girl at work what she is doing at the weekend etc..

[lapal_fan]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

I've seen a number of therapists and counsellors for many years. It hasn't changed anything though. Time and help I've had, in abundance.

I feel I just have to accept the fact I'm meant to be alone and unhappy. Life isn't for everyone, I suppose. 

What does that mean? 

[mjmooney]

3 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

I've seen a number of therapists and counsellors for many years. It hasn't changed anything though. Time and help I've had, in abundance.

I feel I just have to accept the fact I'm meant to be alone and unhappy. Life isn't for everyone, I suppose. 

No, no, no, no, no. This is just plain WRONG. Nobody is 'meant to be' anything. There is no 'fate'.

That doesn't mean 'you can be anything you want to be', or any such nonsense. But you CAN influence things, and external factors can cause changes that you hadn't seen coming. In the meantime, you just carry on, and look for the good stuff - a sunny day, a Villa win, a piece of music, a bacon sandwich, a good book. Religion, if that's what floats your boat. And (I'm sorry if this sounds patronising, it's not meant to be) - stop bloody feeling sorry for yourself. You don't live in Syria, or the 10th Century, you're damned lucky to be here and now - being a bloke without a girlfriend and feeling like a loser is a drag (I know, I've been there), but it's temporary. Live. 

[Xela]

20 hours ago, A'Villan said:

As I've said in DM @kurtsimonw, you're always welcome in my inbox. As long as it suits you to be there.

Probably inappropriate given the subject but its an open goal!