What is your experience of mental health?

[A'Villan]

On 17/06/2019 at 22:01, Stevo985 said:

My girlfriend dropped a bombshell on me last week an told me she was Bulimic, and has been since she was 16 (that's 15 years).

She'd murder me if she knew I was putting this on an internet forum! But I'm interested in other people's experiences.

 

It was a bombshell because I had absolutely no idea it was happening. She's been getting treatment for the past year, so hasn't "done it" at all in that time. But even so we'd lived together for 2 years before that.
I knew she'd been going to counselling but she told me it was for anxiety, which I believed (why wouldn't I?)

Anyway, she's definitely on the mend it would seem. She's nearly off the medication she's been taking to stop it and no sign of a relapse. Only side effects is a bit of weight gain (for obvious reasons) .

 

I think I've been supportive. There's not much I can do really. I asked if there was any way I could help but there isn't really. All she asked is I don't start monitoring her or her eating or anything like that. Which I'd never do

 

Anyone got any experience of this kind of thing?

Not that's going to give you any useful insight. I knew one girl who was quite bad with it and had to go to rehab. From the little exposure I've had to it, self worth seems to be an issue.

This girl was a bit of a socialite, absolutely gorgeous. At a guess she was just consumed and overwhelmed by the constant bombardment of what and who's hot.

Self image can often become distorted when we start basing our perceptions on what other people seem to be at surface level as the benchmark for our own beauty.

Anyway, for all I know that's got nothing to do with you partners situation. Hope that she gets through it.

There's something that you can do, I think anyway, and I'm confident you're already on to it, and that is to be aware that it's probably quite a sensitive issue for her.

I'm not saying you need to walk on eggshells, nothing of the sort. Just be considerate of the fact that her experience is different to yours.

If you come across some good advice in relation to bulimia for example, it might be interesting to you, but it may not be for her. No need to advertise and announce every practice.

[Stevo985]

4 hours ago, A'Villan said:

Not that's going to give you any useful insight. I knew one girl who was quite bad with it and had to go to rehab. From the little exposure I've had to it, self worth seems to be an issue.

This girl was a bit of a socialite, absolutely gorgeous. At a guess she was just consumed and overwhelmed by the constant bombardment of what and who's hot.

Self image can often become distorted when we start basing our perceptions on what other people seem to be at surface level as the benchmark for our own beauty.

Anyway, for all I know that's got nothing to do with you partners situation. Hope that she gets through it.

There's something that you can do, I think anyway, and I'm confident you're already on to it, and that is to be aware that it's probably quite a sensitive issue for her.

I'm not saying you need to walk on eggshells, nothing of the sort. Just be considerate of the fact that her experience is different to yours.

If you come across some good advice in relation to bulimia for example, it might be interesting to you, but it may not be for her. No need to advertise and announce every practice.

Yeah you're completely right in your last few sentences there. That's what I've tried to do. Let her know that I want to help and I'll do whatever she asks if it'll help.
But at the same time told her that I only want to help if she wants me to help. If she doesn't want to talk about it or would rather I just let her get on with it then I'm cool with that.

I guess I'm trying to balance out wanting to help and forcing my help.

 

Anyway, her issue wasn't her image, but it probably was her self worth. She's not vain, it was never about how she looked. Her counselor has told her it was probably about control.
I'd stop short of saying her dad was/is abusive but... actually **** it he was abusive. To all his kids. He's one of the most horrible words removed I've ever met. He treats his whole family like shit and totally controls them. So most likely her bulimia was a retaliation to that and a subconcious attempt to keep some control. Or at least that's how it started.

I don't really understand how it must feel. Or pretend to understand. But there you go.

[A'Villan]

17 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

Yeah you're completely right in your last few sentences there. That's what I've tried to do. Let her know that I want to help and I'll do whatever she asks if it'll help.
But at the same time told her that I only want to help if she wants me to help. If she doesn't want to talk about it or would rather I just let her get on with it then I'm cool with that.

I guess I'm trying to balance out wanting to help and forcing my help.

 

Anyway, her issue wasn't her image, but it probably was her self worth. She's not vain, it was never about how she looked. Her counselor has told her it was probably about control.
I'd stop short of saying her dad was/is abusive but... actually **** it he was abusive. To all his kids. He's one of the most horrible words removed I've ever met. He treats his whole family like shit and totally controls them. So most likely her bulimia was a retaliation to that and a subconcious attempt to keep some control. Or at least that's how it started.

I don't really understand how it must feel. Or pretend to understand. But there you go.

Sounds like you'll be a source of strength and understanding for her then.

If I can offer a final piece of unsolicited advice, it would be to do your own research on bulimia, source only information you feel relevant and qualitative to her situation.

Then be subtle and tactful in how you approach things, whether checking to see how she is, or encouraging her to practice good and healthily.

Self worth and image are related, although I understand the distinction between your partner and the girl I knew, as you've outlined, different people and circumstance.

With a poor self image, it is difficult to have strong self worth, and visa-versa. The two work in congruence. Perception and awareness of self will determine our understanding.

We've discussed this fella before, and her brothers from memory. I have some relatives who have lost touch with decency, and I refuse to cross paths with one in particular.

I don't really take any satisfaction from bad mouthing people, it's not the most constructive way of addressing the issue either, so I can relate to your hesitation in doing so.

It's wise to pick our battles, and that often means dealing with conflict as opposed to adopting an apathetic outlook, leading to issues remaining unresolved.

We all have light within us, and we all have the shadow of darkness. Accepting that allows us the insight to develop the former and heal the latter.

Learning to see that passing judgement and prejudice serves nothing and nobody, then frees us to explore the depths of our bond to one another and our community.

I'm not his biggest fan, and I'm not sure that it would be all that helpful, but Louis Theroux has an episode/documentary on bulimia and anorexia.

[kurtsimonw]

Last few weeks have been a bit all over the place.

One girl at work was a bit all over me, but she's not single. She's vocal about how unhappy she is in her relationship. I don't know what to do with it, everyone says we have great chemistry and banter and whatnot, but I don't think she's sure what she wants, and I'm not going to do anything or say anything I find inappropriate. Plus we'd both had a lot to drink on a works night out, so it was probably the drink, but when she was outside she messaged me saying "I know I'm in a relationship, but I can't stop thinking about you". Then this weekend a few of us went out, but she wasn't the same, as if she's no longer interested anymore? I don't know how to take it. She's a gorgeous little thing, and great fun, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

The house situation is dragging on, I just wanted to be in and living there properly during summer. But I know it's going to take a few weeks for it to be liveable once I move in, and I still don't have a date! I'm excited to move in and really start to learn to live and rely on myself.

Work is too easy. I've been given a bit of extra responsibility, but I'm still doing my same main job. I'm not sure if they got what I meant what I said I want something more challenging, I didn't mean the challenge of fitting even more work in to the day. I want something more complex to deal with. Hopefully they're just in the process of moving things around.

Socially I'm improving. I've been out with people from work a bit. I've been to the gym with the previously mentioned girl a couple of times, then went out this weekend with her and another friend. I feel like I'm slowly building a decent friendship with these 2. It's just a shame she's not single, and he lives in the middle of Brum.

It's my ex's birthday tomorrow, it's a bit upsetting to think we had such a great few days last year, and nothing has genuinely made me feel better than treating her and seeing her happy. Tomorrow is going to be shit. I don't know if it's even appropriate to wish her a happy birthday? 

[lapal_fan]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

Last few weeks have been a bit all over the place.

One girl at work was a bit all over me, but she's not single. She's vocal about how unhappy she is in her relationship. I don't know what to do with it, everyone says we have great chemistry and banter and whatnot, but I don't think she's sure what she wants, and I'm not going to do anything or say anything I find inappropriate. Plus we'd both had a lot to drink on a works night out, so it was probably the drink, but when she was outside she messaged me saying "I know I'm in a relationship, but I can't stop thinking about you". Then this weekend a few of us went out, but she wasn't the same, as if she's no longer interested anymore? I don't know how to take it. She's a gorgeous little thing, and great fun, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

The house situation is dragging on, I just wanted to be in and living there properly during summer. But I know it's going to take a few weeks for it to be liveable once I move in, and I still don't have a date! I'm excited to move in and really start to learn to live and rely on myself.

Work is too easy. I've been given a bit of extra responsibility, but I'm still doing my same main job. I'm not sure if they got what I meant what I said I want something more challenging, I didn't mean the challenge of fitting even more work in to the day. I want something more complex to deal with. Hopefully they're just in the process of moving things around.

Socially I'm improving. I've been out with people from work a bit. I've been to the gym with the previously mentioned girl a couple of times, then went out this weekend with her and another friend. I feel like I'm slowly building a decent friendship with these 2. It's just a shame she's not single, and he lives in the middle of Brum.

It's my ex's birthday tomorrow, it's a bit upsetting to think we had such a great few days last year, and nothing has genuinely made me feel better than treating her and seeing her happy. Tomorrow is going to be shit. I don't know if it's even appropriate to wish her a happy birthday? 

From going on your posts lately, you seem to be on the upward slope regarding general demeanour, so I hope that's the case!

I would be very , very careful about relationship girl.. We've all seen the "make a move and then she pulls out, only to leave the dude looking like a terrible asshole and feeling awful movie".  Tread carefully, friend. 

Hang on.. that didn't read properly.. oh well. 

Keep going, the making friends with wimmin' thing is cool, something might come of it, even if it's a friend of a friend.

I saw that you're something to do with accounting?  This is why you're miserable buddy.  Accountants are terrible, boring assholes - like @Stevo985 is.  

Quit your job and become cool and homeless, or get a different job that isn't boring and terrible. 

Ok I'm done.  Be good, friend! 

[Stevo985]

7 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

Accountants are terrible, boring assholes - like @Stevo985 is.  

I'd disagree, but if anyone on VT is an expert in boring assholes, it's you.

That's a joke about drilling arseholes. Would a boring accountant make that joke?!

 

I work in procurement now and that's what it's done to me. Suck it bitch!

[choffer]

2 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

One girl at work was a bit all over me, but she's not single. She's vocal about how unhappy she is in her relationship. I don't know what to do with it, everyone says we have great chemistry and banter and whatnot, but I don't think she's sure what she wants, and I'm not going to do anything or say anything I find inappropriate. Plus we'd both had a lot to drink on a works night out, so it was probably the drink, but when she was outside she messaged me saying "I know I'm in a relationship, but I can't stop thinking about you". Then this weekend a few of us went out, but she wasn't the same, as if she's no longer interested anymore? I don't know how to take it. She's a gorgeous little thing, and great fun, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years (and believe me, I learned the hard way), it’s never to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship. If they are willing to dump someone for you, there’s nothing that will stop them doing the same to you in the future when a better offer comes along. 

Thats not to say it isn’t possible for it to work but relationships are built on trust and if their opening gambit is to start a relationship when already in one, it doesn’t bode well. 

Concentrate on yourself Kurt. I know it’s easier said than done but don’t find your worth in what a girl thinks of you, no matter how gorgeous a wee thing she might be. 

[Xela]

2 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

One girl at work was a bit all over me, but she's not single. She's vocal about how unhappy she is in her relationship. I don't know what to do with it, everyone says we have great chemistry and banter and whatnot, but I don't think she's sure what she wants, and I'm not going to do anything or say anything I find inappropriate. Plus we'd both had a lot to drink on a works night out, so it was probably the drink, but when she was outside she messaged me saying "I know I'm in a relationship, but I can't stop thinking about you". Then this weekend a few of us went out, but she wasn't the same, as if she's no longer interested anymore? I don't know how to take it. She's a gorgeous little thing, and great fun, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

Attention seeker mate.

Probably wasn't getting enough attention of her current fella at the time. 

Think carefully about getting involved with someone who shows such lack of loyalty. If she really is unhappy with her current fella then she should end it. They never do though until they have someone else to jump to. Then they'll be looking for another upgrade. 

[rjw63]

5 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

Last few weeks have been a bit all over the place.

One girl at work was a bit all over me, but she's not single. She's vocal about how unhappy she is in her relationship. I don't know what to do with it...

DHUTWU

[Rugeley Villa]

Tomorrow on her birthday don’t sit in being miserable about it. It’s nice weather, so get yourself out doing something to take your mind off it. Also I wouldn’t wish her happy birthday either, she probably wouldn’t appreciate it anyway.  I once got told a standing cock has no conscience. I’m not sure the same can be said about the actual person, so tread carefully with that bit of skirt in the office.

[snowychap]

3 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I once got told a standing cock has no conscience.

Popper or Wittgenstein?

[Rugeley Villa]

8 hours ago, snowychap said:

Popper or Wittgenstein?

Had to google that   

[kurtsimonw]

21 hours ago, Xela said:

Attention seeker mate.

Probably wasn't getting enough attention of her current fella at the time. 

Think carefully about getting involved with someone who shows such lack of loyalty. If she really is unhappy with her current fella then she should end it. They never do though until they have someone else to jump to. Then they'll be looking for another upgrade. 

It's a difficult one. She didn't do anything wrong, other than be a bit flirty. But I've seen plenty of people in relationships do that when drunk?

I'm completely inexperienced really, so hard for me to know exactly where lines are. But I wouldn't "get involved" with someone as such, as far as I'm concerned she's a mate.

[lapal_fan]

1 minute ago, kurtsimonw said:

It's a difficult one. She didn't do anything wrong, other than be a bit flirty. But I've seen plenty of people in relationships do that when drunk?

I'm completely inexperienced really, so hard for me to know exactly where lines are. But I wouldn't "get involved" with someone as such, as far as I'm concerned she's a mate.

pffft, that's the easy bit.

If you feel like she *may* be flirting or coming onto you.  Where you stand, just pull down your trousers and pants in one swift motion, point at your babies thumb and just shout (as loud as you possibly can, to avoid confusion);

"ARE WE GONNA DO IT, OR WHAT?"

This way, it let's the lady know that you are interested, it shows her the amount of damage she can expect to receive and it also allows other, rival males within the vicinity to know that, that particular lady is off the list. 

That's what I did, and I've been happily married for 6 years.

[Ingram85]

Or you know, you could just ignore the girl's advances and remain just friends out of respect for her boyfriend. When or if she becomes single then go for it. If she carries on but is not ending her relationship with her fella then tell her to stop or do something about it. 

[lapal_fan]

21 minutes ago, Ingram85 said:

Or you know, you could just ignore the girl's advances and remain just friends out of respect for her boyfriend. When or if she becomes single then go for it. If she carries on but is not ending her relationship with her fella then tell her to stop or do something about it. 

you ****' wimp 

get a pear of beans and swing them as vigorously as you can, whilst you're not sat in a wheelchair, dribbling everywhere. 

[Ingram85]

24 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

you ****' wimp 

get a pear of beans and swing them as vigorously as you can, whilst you're not sat in a wheelchair, dribbling everywhere. 

Haha, I didn't even see your post you loon. I was replying directly. Read it now though. I'd give it 5 Robert Muldoon's out of 10. 

[Rugeley Villa]

Don’t ever take drugs Lapal.

[Xela]

17 hours ago, snowychap said:

Popper or Wittgenstein?

I think Ruge is more of a Kant man. 

[Rugeley Villa]

Who the hell is that