What is your experience of mental health?

[Dodgyknees]

2017 ended as a shitfest, as did 2018. I now feel like I am on the road to recovery, 2019 has been challenging but the best of me has come out.

[Chindie]

I remain a **** mess. CBT ended a month ago and didn't really achieve much. I understand what it aimed to do but it didn't break through to me. I understand it's an ongoing thing but I don't feel like there's been any progress really.

I was for to go to the cinema on Saturday afternoon and failed. Which has so far lead to a days long loathing and simmering anger in me. A simple, short trip to do something I want to do, something that I was looking forward to. And then I couldn't do it.

I need to get better. But I don't seem to be able to. I kinda feel like I would want something to reach into my brain and turn off whatever it is that makes me this way. Obviously that isn't possible. But I wish it were. As things stand this condition, my being clearly nuts, is completely incompatible with life. My car needs an MOT. The place I'm getting it done is 5 minutes walk away. I'm dreading it. Completely mad.

To be fairly frank I have daily thoughts of what will happen when the wheels completely fall off. Not in any way desire but constant thoughts of the options that would be open to me if it comes down to it. Not quite suicidal ideation as I understand it but just the regular thoughts of what could be done if it came down to it. Which obviously isn't healthy.

Even saying this all feels absurd and utterly pathetic. 

[phily85]

3 minutes ago, Chindie said:

I remain a **** mess. CBT ended a month ago and didn't really achieve much. I understand what it aimed to do but it didn't break through to me. I understand it's an ongoing thing but I don't feel like there's been any progress really.

I was for to go to the cinema on Saturday afternoon and failed. Which has so far lead to a days long loathing and simmering anger in me. A simple, short trip to do something I want to do, something that I was looking forward to. And then I couldn't do it.

I need to get better. But I don't seem to be able to. I kinda feel like I would want something to reach into my brain and turn off whatever it is that makes me this way. Obviously that isn't possible. But I wish it were. As things stand this condition, my being clearly nuts, is completely incompatible with life. My car needs an MOT. The place I'm getting it done is 5 minutes walk away. I'm dreading it. Completely mad.

To be fairly frank I have daily thoughts of what will happen when the wheels completely fall off. Not in any way desire but constant thoughts of the options that would be open to me if it comes down to it. Not quite suicidal ideation as I understand it but just the regular thoughts of what could be done if it came down to it. Which obviously isn't healthy.

Even saying this all feels absurd and utterly pathetic. 

Have you tried or ever considered hypnotherapy, I've not tried it myself but have heard good reports from people I know.

Obviously not a simple case of going under and everything being fine when they click their fingers and you wake up but just a thought

[Chindie]

I tried hypnotherapy. It didn't seem to work on me at all. I had about 5 or so sessions and the most I got it of it was I felt slightly better briefly after the session. I never really felt like hypnotherapy did anything for me, I never felt myself settling into the process. The 'going under', for want of a better term for it, didn't seem to work on me. I was always completely aware of everything, and my mind would wander.

I felt it was similar to mindfulness, but mindfulness you can do in 10 minutes with an app, and hypnotherapy cost £70 for an hour. 

[Paddywhack]

2 hours ago, Chindie said:

I remain a **** mess. CBT ended a month ago and didn't really achieve much. I understand what it aimed to do but it didn't break through to me. I understand it's an ongoing thing but I don't feel like there's been any progress really.

I was for to go to the cinema on Saturday afternoon and failed. Which has so far lead to a days long loathing and simmering anger in me. A simple, short trip to do something I want to do, something that I was looking forward to. And then I couldn't do it.

I need to get better. But I don't seem to be able to. I kinda feel like I would want something to reach into my brain and turn off whatever it is that makes me this way. Obviously that isn't possible. But I wish it were. As things stand this condition, my being clearly nuts, is completely incompatible with life. My car needs an MOT. The place I'm getting it done is 5 minutes walk away. I'm dreading it. Completely mad.

To be fairly frank I have daily thoughts of what will happen when the wheels completely fall off. Not in any way desire but constant thoughts of the options that would be open to me if it comes down to it. Not quite suicidal ideation as I understand it but just the regular thoughts of what could be done if it came down to it. Which obviously isn't healthy.

Even saying this all feels absurd and utterly pathetic. 

I’m sorry that I haven’t got any words of advice, I’ll leave that to the many other more knowledgable posters than me, but I don’t think you should ever feel pathetic when posting about how you’re feeling in this thread. In fact I think it’s pretty admirable to do so and it’s what the thread is here for I guess.

I hope you get the help you need mate 

[A'Villan]

On 08/07/2019 at 03:46, avfcDJ said:

2017 ended as a shitfest, as did 2018. I now feel like I am on the road to recovery, 2019 has been challenging but the best of me has come out.

Great, mate. Challenging is good. When you dig deep that's where the gems are found.

[maqroll]

7 hours ago, Chindie said:

A simple, short trip to do something I want to do, something that I was looking forward to. And then I couldn't do it.

This is how I often feel about social engagements with people I know and like. It is really frustrating and has wreaked havoc on some important friendships.

[Skruff]

10 hours ago, Chindie said:

I remain a **** mess. CBT ended a month ago and didn't really achieve much. I understand what it aimed to do but it didn't break through to me. I understand it's an ongoing thing but I don't feel like there's been any progress really.

Did you do any extensive exposure therapy? Breathing techniques, before and during attacks? Mental observation/acceptance? 

[Chindie]

5 hours ago, Skruff said:

Did you do any extensive exposure therapy? Breathing techniques, before and during attacks? Mental observation/acceptance? 

Exposure was basically giving me tasks to do, as daft as going to buy a sandwich every day. I basically failed at this. I struggled to get myself to do the tasks. If I had something I needed to do, which was usually posting things I'd sold, I would do that as there was an obvious commitment that meant I needed to put myself through the nightmare to complete it. But even then as said earlier in this thread that was a nightmare. The last time I sold something I went to a different post office and ended up walking back to my car over and over as I fought myself to get to the body post office and send the **** parcel. I literally went to a crossing on the way to the post office, turned back, walked halfway back to the car, went back to the crossing, turned back again... about 4 times. I know that I need to expose myself to try to get better but overcoming the hurdle is very, very difficult. Currently it basically takes a commitment to do it. And then it remains intensely difficult.

I've been shown breathing techniques and haven't found them much use. I also do mindfulness. Nothing helps.

I think there were some elements of acceptance in the CBT I did, but that is something I'm never going to be able to do. I can't just shrug and think, oh well this is how I am. I want to be better. Normal. Able to function.

[villaglint]

2 hours ago, Chindie said:

Exposure was basically giving me tasks to do, as daft as going to buy a sandwich every day. I basically failed at this. I struggled to get myself to do the tasks. If I had something I needed to do, which was usually posting things I'd sold, I would do that as there was an obvious commitment that meant I needed to put myself through the nightmare to complete it. But even then as said earlier in this thread that was a nightmare. The last time I sold something I went to a different post office and ended up walking back to my car over and over as I fought myself to get to the body post office and send the **** parcel. I literally went to a crossing on the way to the post office, turned back, walked halfway back to the car, went back to the crossing, turned back again... about 4 times. I know that I need to expose myself to try to get better but overcoming the hurdle is very, very difficult. Currently it basically takes a commitment to do it. And then it remains intensely difficult.

I've been shown breathing techniques and haven't found them much use. I also do mindfulness. Nothing helps.

I think there were some elements of acceptance in the CBT I did, but that is something I'm never going to be able to do. I can't just shrug and think, oh well this is how I am. I want to be better. Normal. Able to function.

Hi Chindie - apologies if this has already been discussed but given the riffing of ideas what are you views on using relentless exercise as a blunderbuss to try and help with your issues?

[snowychap]

6 hours ago, Chindie said:

I think there were some elements of acceptance in the CBT I did, but that is something I'm never going to be able to do. I can't just shrug and think, oh well this is how I am. I want to be better. Normal. Able to function.

Does it require shrugging?

Acceptance doesn't mean acceptance of the you as you are now - obviously in a bad place and finding it nigh on impossible to function. The acceptance could be as much as accepting that normal. i.e. other people's normal or the average normal, isn't your normal and that, in order for you to function, you don't need to follow what makes or helps others function but specifically identify how you function and why you should. Less 'acceptance' and more 'understanding'?

 

[Chindie]

59 minutes ago, snowychap said:

Does it require shrugging?

Acceptance doesn't mean acceptance of the you as you are now - obviously in a bad place and finding it nigh on impossible to function. The acceptance could be as much as accepting that normal. i.e. other people's normal or the average normal, isn't your normal and that, in order for you to function, you don't need to follow what makes or helps others function but specifically identify how you function and why you should. Less 'acceptance' and more 'understanding'?

 

I understand this and try to think like it, to get back to the just about functioning I was before. But getting there is feeling like an impossible task.

I don't think I'll ever be 'normal', which I've just about accepted. Doesn't make it any easier mind.

[snowychap]

32 minutes ago, Chindie said:

I understand this and try to think like it, to get back to the just about functioning I was before. But getting there is feeling like an impossible task.

I don't think I'll ever be 'normal', which I've just about accepted. Doesn't make it any easier mind.

Do you really want to get back to 'just about functioning' in the way you were before? Might that not be part of the problem?

Just getting back to where you were (especially if where you are was the next step and thus may seem to be a potential/likely next step again) may not be the best direction to be looking to take.

Not 'normal' is a pejorative way to view it. How about 'uncommon'?

[Chindie]

49 minutes ago, snowychap said:

Do you really want to get back to 'just about functioning' in the way you were before? Might that not be part of the problem?

Just getting back to where you were (especially if where you are was the next step and thus may seem to be a potential/likely next step again) may not be the best direction to be looking to take.

Not 'normal' is a pejorative way to view it. How about 'uncommon'?

Obviously I'd prefer to be better than that. I used to be better. I wasn't right, but I was better. But that feels completely unattainable. So I'll take any improvement for now.

[snowychap]

45 minutes ago, Chindie said:

Obviously I'd prefer to be better than that. I used to be better. I wasn't right, but I was better. But that feels completely unattainable. So I'll take any improvement for now.

Okay, I get that (and have every sympathy with your predicament) but isn't 'any improvement for now' just a psychological sugar rush?

Also, 'I wasn't right' isn't 'right'. You were different. Different is as right as normal is.

[Chindie]

58 minutes ago, snowychap said:

Okay, I get that (and have every sympathy with your predicament) but isn't 'any improvement for now' just a psychological sugar rush?

Also, 'I wasn't right' isn't 'right'. You were different. Different is as right as normal is.

I guess I'm looking for tangible little wins where I might find them.

I appreciate what you're saying in the framing of things, but as things stand my 'different' is outside what can viably work in life. I struggle to leave the house at all. That's too different and has to change.

[Skruff]

14 hours ago, Chindie said:

Exposure was basically giving me tasks to do, as daft as going to buy a sandwich every day. I basically failed at this. I struggled to get myself to do the tasks. If I had something I needed to do, which was usually posting things I'd sold, I would do that as there was an obvious commitment that meant I needed to put myself through the nightmare to complete it. But even then as said earlier in this thread that was a nightmare. The last time I sold something I went to a different post office and ended up walking back to my car over and over as I fought myself to get to the body post office and send the **** parcel. I literally went to a crossing on the way to the post office, turned back, walked halfway back to the car, went back to the crossing, turned back again... about 4 times. I know that I need to expose myself to try to get better but overcoming the hurdle is very, very difficult. Currently it basically takes a commitment to do it. And then it remains intensely difficult.

I've been shown breathing techniques and haven't found them much use. I also do mindfulness. Nothing helps.

I think there were some elements of acceptance in the CBT I did, but that is something I'm never going to be able to do. I can't just shrug and think, oh well this is how I am. I want to be better. Normal. Able to function.

Sorry for all the question Chindie. I doubt my questions and ranting offers any help. I'm just curious whether you're getting sufficient help for the levels of anxiety you're experiencing right now? Have you had any second opinions? Got in touch with a psychiatrist that specialises in anxiety disorders? 

How did they follow-up when you were experiencing difficulties completing the task they were giving you? 

There's little point in giving you homework to go buy bread. If the main issue is getting out of the house/car. You need to be able to cope with A and B, before you can start tackling problem C?

Regarding the post office. What made you turn back towards your car? Oncoming anxiety attack, or fear of the anxiety attacks themselves? 

When I was talking about acceptance. I was talking in the lines of working with the anxiety, accepting it's there, not running from it. Learn not to fear it. Invite it in, observe and experience. See that it has a start, begging and a end. That you get thru them(the panic attacks). To work on applying coping skills you've learned when you start experiencing the anxiety instead of using avoidance. Gradually increasing the exposure as you improve. That sort of thing. 

Stay strong in there pal. You'll be able to pull yourself out of this rabbit hole eventually. Even if it feels hopeless at the moment, keep your hope up.

[kurtsimonw]

21 hours ago, Chindie said:

I've been shown breathing techniques and haven't found them much use. I also do mindfulness. Nothing helps.

I think there were some elements of acceptance in the CBT I did, but that is something I'm never going to be able to do. I can't just shrug and think, oh well this is how I am. I want to be better. Normal. Able to function.

I feel we're similar in this regard.

Acceptance can be fine, but at the same time why shouldn't we strive for better, or want more? All I want is to be happiness and love. It sounds very rom-com, but it's true. As for breathing techniques and mindfulness, again I didn't find them useful either. Breathing can help to calm certain elements of anxiety, like that sick/nervous feeling, but only for a very short time. Have you tried propanolol? It doesn't stop me being anxious, but I don't tend to feel anxious - if that makes sense?

I know people try to be supportive, but I don't find it helpful when people essentially tell me "You're wrong. You should be perfectly happy this way". My issues do stem from the lack of female companionship, and the mental problems that causes, but what's wrong with me wanting that? It's a real basic human need. It's all the more annoying when I'm told that by someone in a relationship. Either they're happy in the relationship, or know they'd feel worse being single. It's like there's a ready made excuse against me too. If I actively try to meet people on apps or talk to people in real life or go speed dating, it's "Maybe you're trying to hard?". If I do nothing "You're not going to find someone if you don't put yourself out there".

And this is where acceptance has got me. At the weekend I just thought "**** it. If I'm that repellent to the opposite sex, so be it." Monday was shit, I barely got through it. And I've been in bed pretty much since Monday night, and still am. Because what's the point of accepting I'm just going to live out this same, boring, pointless existence of a day over and over again? I literally may as well not be here. That's 2 days of not being paid, which I really can't afford, but I am struggling to see the point.

[AVFCDAN]

22 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

I feel we're similar in this regard.

Acceptance can be fine, but at the same time why shouldn't we strive for better, or want more? All I want is to be happiness and love. It sounds very rom-com, but it's true. As for breathing techniques and mindfulness, again I didn't find them useful either. Breathing can help to calm certain elements of anxiety, like that sick/nervous feeling, but only for a very short time. Have you tried propanolol? It doesn't stop me being anxious, but I don't tend to feel anxious - if that makes sense?

I know people try to be supportive, but I don't find it helpful when people essentially tell me "You're wrong. You should be perfectly happy this way". My issues do stem from the lack of female companionship, and the mental problems that causes, but what's wrong with me wanting that? It's a real basic human need. It's all the more annoying when I'm told that by someone in a relationship. Either they're happy in the relationship, or know they'd feel worse being single. It's like there's a ready made excuse against me too. If I actively try to meet people on apps or talk to people in real life or go speed dating, it's "Maybe you're trying to hard?". If I do nothing "You're not going to find someone if you don't put yourself out there".

And this is where acceptance has got me. At the weekend I just thought "**** it. If I'm that repellent to the opposite sex, so be it." Monday was shit, I barely got through it. And I've been in bed pretty much since Monday night, and still am. Because what's the point of accepting I'm just going to live out this same, boring, pointless existence of a day over and over again? I literally may as well not be here. That's 2 days of not being paid, which I really can't afford, but I am struggling to see the point.

Aren't you moving into your own place soon and starting a new chapter? Surely that's a reason to be positive.

Work and life can be a boring grind at times, I envy anyone who doesn't see things like that. These people who seize every day must be living a great life but that's quite far from the way I see things as well. 

[choffer]

I’m on a mental health first aiders course today. It’s doing my nut in. 

A room full of older ladies who are all experts in everything, a trainer who is unnecessarily enthusiastic and I have to do craft this afternoon. I’m thinking of calling in sick for day 2.