Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[bobzy]

FWIW, people should always remove the "step" element of those relationships.

By the sounds of it, you're a good Dad and he's a bad one.  Well done 

[AvfcRigo82]

On 04/12/2023 at 08:12, Villan_of_oz said:

There's also the ex husband who is a hot shot real estate agent mostly too busy to spend time with them and do things with them.

Even though he's well off he got out of paying proper maintenance for about 7 years by cooking his books or shifting money about.

He sounds like a complete dickhead.

[Genie]

2 hours ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

He sounds like a complete dickhead.

It was a giveaway from “real estate agent” and the other sentences confirmed it.

[mottaloo]

Speaking of words removed (and I don't mean to take over the current subject in the thread....)...but my wife's ex husband who she had two (now grown up) children with, took her to the CSA for maintenance. He was working too though but is totally money orientated. She was at the time a police patrol officer and her shifts were all over the place so the kids stayed with him mostly but he obviously got the hump at having to pay more for his kids upbringing. This was when then they had split up and she was living in a moody flat in cannock- all she could afford.

He "allowed" her access for 1 hour on Xmas day one year....broke her heart ! He also told her to shut up from crying a week after her dad had died when they were still married. He even tried to get her sectioned....all because he "couldnt cope" with shows of emotion. Her ex wasn't a physically big "man" - quite the opposite....a scrawny, emotionless weed actually but my missus mental health was up its own arse at the time and she can only now see what he did to her.

To bring things up to date - he has 2 grand daughters he never sees....he doesnt even know about the younger grand daughter; his daughter hates him and his son thinks he is a loser, in a relationship with another insecure control freak who he's been engaged to for TEN years with no sign of getting married. 

I am sure we all have our own tales to tell.....I just am glad I can learn from my own mistakes and experiences and apply myself better and value what IS important in a relationship and what is pure time-wasting crap.

I wish you all the best. 

Edited December 8, 2023 by mottaloo

[Rolta]

A lot of people post Emi Martinez stories, and I have one too. I’ve decided to put it in here though for obvious reasons. I used to post quite a lot on Villatalk and but it's been an odd few months as you’ll see.

Basically on the eve of my brother's wedding day, when I was having a meal with my girlfriend, mum and step dad at their house (where we were staying for the wedding, and where we used to stay a lot—we both lived in Spain, so we when we went to the UK we spent months with my mum and step-dad and were all very close), we got into a discussion about Rubiales.

I think Rubiales is pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity, and I was saying so. Having taught in Spain for so long I've seen a lot of people with backwards attitudes towards women, race, class and so on, and toxic elements of Spanish culture is something that interests me. His behaviour during and after the world cup wasn’t surprising—so far so good.

Well, my step dad brought up Emi's golden glove gesture at the men's world cup, and he and my girlfriend jumped on it as an example of even more toxic masculinity.

I was like, 'Meh, I think it was cringeworthy and embarrassing and a stupid thing to do in the greatest moment of his career—but it doesn't feel like the same thing.' I said it wasn't a great look, but I started defending Emi as a character as he seems so humble and nice in real life. Things escalated when my girlfriend started riffing on all mens sport being toxic.

To be fair, there'd been a bit of wine and some high spirits. I am a feminist, but my (then) girlfriend of eight years really runs with this in a way that to me comes across as unnecessarily extreme. She started basically saying that all mens sport was toxic—including at amateur level. Some mens sport is definitely toxic, but the sweeping statements grate my brain.

That’s how I remember it anyway. I felt as if it included basically all men who play sports, including team and people I play with in Spain. As I say, I'm a very open-minded person, and I have never fallen into any of the 'not all men' (well rarely—only when the narrative I hear is so brutally over-generalising) counter discussion. Some people would call me as 'woke' as they come.

She got a bit pissy with me about it. The meal ended, and she walked off to have a shower. I felt annoyed that she’d been pissy with me.

When she came out of the shower we were up in the bedroom and I tried to address with her calmly that she didn’t need to get pissy with me. I began defending Emi, but this sparked an escalating twenty minute argument. We weren’t rowy people at all, but she had this ability in her to snap and really jab below the belt. She started mocking the way I was saying her name, laughing—the worst bit, fifteen minutes later came when she stopped letting me speak.

Suddenly she came up to me and said, 'Look I love you let's stop.' But by then I'd had enough and went to sleep in another room. In the morning she was more furious than I have ever seen a human. Because I left to sleep in another room in my Mum/step dad’s house.

She seethed at me, saying that me sleeping elsewhere was manipulative and abusive like her dad used to do to her mum. She said it was a power play. I said I just needed space—I had come in to make peace with her and to go have a good day together. She seemed to project a lot of stuff onto me, then completely dissociate before my eyes. She started packing her bags. It was so horrible to see. I regret and regretted upsetting her like that. It's the worst moment of my life, and one that just seems so foolish and pointless now—I'm so sorry that we got into that row and I hate my part in it.

After eight years, she ended it there and then, didn't come to the wedding and cut contact—stonewalled me, dropped out of every whatsapp group. We'd been having the best year of our lives together. We were talking about the future. I was thinking of marriage/a kid—we were on course to talk about it.

We’d been away from each other for a week, but before that seemed completely loved up. I actually couldn’t believe how in sync we were and how much we were growing ‘more’ a couple even after all these years. One of the last things she said to me pre-row was, ‘I believe in us so much. And I think that’s special.’

She had a shitty childhood. I’ve interpreted her as having ‘dismissive avoidant attachment’—it’s the only way I can get my head round it. Anyway, I didn’t really die on this hill specifically, but I started walking up the hill defending Emi as a human. It’s a frikking

tragedy though.

[Rugeley Villa]

I thought Emis behaviour was a bit childish but he comes across like that anyway. As for all men’s sport being toxic, well who’s being  sexist there? 
 

It does sound very extreme Rolta, and as you say I bet you wish now you hadn’t brought it up but jeez man 

[Genie]

1 hour ago, Rolta said:

A lot of people post Emi Martinez stories, and I have one too. I’ve decided to put it in here though for obvious reasons. I used to post quite a lot on Villatalk and but it's been an odd few months as you’ll see.

Basically on the eve of my brother's wedding day, when I was having a meal with my girlfriend, mum and step dad at their house (where we were staying for the wedding, and where we used to stay a lot—we both lived in Spain, so we when we went to the UK we spent months with my mum and step-dad and were all very close), we got into a discussion about Rubiales.

 

I think Rubiales is pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity, and I was saying so. Having taught in Spain for so long I've seen a lot of people with backwards attitudes towards women, race, class and so on, and toxic elements of Spanish culture is something that interests me. His behaviour during and after the world cup wasn’t surprising—so far so good.

 

Well, my step dad brought up Emi's golden glove gesture at the men's world cup, and he and my girlfriend jumped on it as an example of even more toxic masculinity.

 

I was like, 'Meh, I think it was cringeworthy and embarrassing and a stupid thing to do in the greatest moment of his career—but it doesn't feel like the same thing.' I said it wasn't a great look, but I started defending Emi as a character as he seems so humble and nice in real life. Things escalated when my girlfriend started riffing on all mens sport being toxic.

 

To be fair, there'd been a bit of wine and some high spirits. I am a feminist, but my (then) girlfriend of eight years really runs with this in a way that to me comes across as unnecessarily extreme. She started basically saying that all mens sport was toxic—including at amateur level. Some mens sport is definitely toxic, but the sweeping statements grate my brain.

 

That’s how I remember it anyway. I felt as if it included basically all men who play sports, including team and people I play with in Spain. As I say, I'm a very open-minded person, and I have never fallen into any of the 'not all men' (well rarely—only when the narrative I hear is so brutally over-generalising) counter discussion. Some people would call me as 'woke' as they come.

 

She got a bit pissy with me about it. The meal ended, and she walked off to have a shower. I felt annoyed that she’d been pissy with me.

 

When she came out of the shower we were up in the bedroom and I tried to address with her calmly that she didn’t need to get pissy with me. I began defending Emi, but this sparked an escalating twenty minute argument. We weren’t rowy people at all, but she had this ability in her to snap and really jab below the belt. She started mocking the way I was saying her name, laughing—the worst bit, fifteen minutes later came when she stopped letting me speak.

 

Suddenly she came up to me and said, 'Look I love you let's stop.' But by then I'd had enough and went to sleep in another room. In the morning she was more furious than I have ever seen a human. Because I left to sleep in another room in my Mum/step dad’s house.

She seethed at me, saying that me sleeping elsewhere was manipulative and abusive like her dad used to do to her mum. She said it was a power play. I said I just needed space—I had come in to make peace with her and to go have a good day together. She seemed to project a lot of stuff onto me, then completely dissociate before my eyes. She started packing her bags. It was so horrible to see. I regret and regretted upsetting her like that. It's the worst moment of my life, and one that just seems so foolish and pointless now—I'm so sorry that we got into that row and I hate my part in it.

After eight years, she ended it there and then, didn't come to the wedding and cut contact—stonewalled me, dropped out of every whatsapp group. We'd been having the best year of our lives together. We were talking about the future. I was thinking of marriage/a kid—we were on course to talk about it.

We’d been away from each other for a week, but before that seemed completely loved up. I actually couldn’t believe how in sync we were and how much we were growing ‘more’ a couple even after all these years. One of the last things she said to me pre-row was, ‘I believe in us so much. And I think that’s special.’

She had a shitty childhood. I’ve interpreted her as having ‘dismissive avoidant attachment’—it’s the only way I can get my head round it. Anyway, I didn’t really die on this hill specifically, but I started walking up the hill defending Emi as a human. It’s a frikking

 

tragedy though.

Sorry to read that mate, it’s hard to believe that an eight year relationship can be canned like that.

There must be more to it, in her mind at least. 

Some friends of ours recently got divorced. There was a row about something fairly small, but then immediately she said she wanted him gone and kicked off all the divorce actions.

She’s since said to my wife she has wanted out for a long time and when the opportunity arose (he was close to being sacked for **** something up at work) took it.

On the face of it, she flipped out over something reasonably small (especially when you consider they have 2 kids). But in reality she hadn’t wanted to be with him for several years and is now happily rid. She said he had gambling debts, drinks heavily, lies a lot and is now happier than ever.

In summary, it’s probably not the row that finished the relationship.

[MaVilla]

1 hour ago, Rolta said:

A lot of people post Emi Martinez stories, and I have one too. I’ve decided to put it in here though for obvious reasons. I used to post quite a lot on Villatalk and but it's been an odd few months as you’ll see.

Basically on the eve of my brother's wedding day, when I was having a meal with my girlfriend, mum and step dad at their house (where we were staying for the wedding, and where we used to stay a lot—we both lived in Spain, so we when we went to the UK we spent months with my mum and step-dad and were all very close), we got into a discussion about Rubiales.

 

I think Rubiales is pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity, and I was saying so. Having taught in Spain for so long I've seen a lot of people with backwards attitudes towards women, race, class and so on, and toxic elements of Spanish culture is something that interests me. His behaviour during and after the world cup wasn’t surprising—so far so good.

 

Well, my step dad brought up Emi's golden glove gesture at the men's world cup, and he and my girlfriend jumped on it as an example of even more toxic masculinity.

 

I was like, 'Meh, I think it was cringeworthy and embarrassing and a stupid thing to do in the greatest moment of his career—but it doesn't feel like the same thing.' I said it wasn't a great look, but I started defending Emi as a character as he seems so humble and nice in real life. Things escalated when my girlfriend started riffing on all mens sport being toxic.

 

To be fair, there'd been a bit of wine and some high spirits. I am a feminist, but my (then) girlfriend of eight years really runs with this in a way that to me comes across as unnecessarily extreme. She started basically saying that all mens sport was toxic—including at amateur level. Some mens sport is definitely toxic, but the sweeping statements grate my brain.

 

That’s how I remember it anyway. I felt as if it included basically all men who play sports, including team and people I play with in Spain. As I say, I'm a very open-minded person, and I have never fallen into any of the 'not all men' (well rarely—only when the narrative I hear is so brutally over-generalising) counter discussion. Some people would call me as 'woke' as they come.

 

She got a bit pissy with me about it. The meal ended, and she walked off to have a shower. I felt annoyed that she’d been pissy with me.

 

When she came out of the shower we were up in the bedroom and I tried to address with her calmly that she didn’t need to get pissy with me. I began defending Emi, but this sparked an escalating twenty minute argument. We weren’t rowy people at all, but she had this ability in her to snap and really jab below the belt. She started mocking the way I was saying her name, laughing—the worst bit, fifteen minutes later came when she stopped letting me speak.

 

Suddenly she came up to me and said, 'Look I love you let's stop.' But by then I'd had enough and went to sleep in another room. In the morning she was more furious than I have ever seen a human. Because I left to sleep in another room in my Mum/step dad’s house.

She seethed at me, saying that me sleeping elsewhere was manipulative and abusive like her dad used to do to her mum. She said it was a power play. I said I just needed space—I had come in to make peace with her and to go have a good day together. She seemed to project a lot of stuff onto me, then completely dissociate before my eyes. She started packing her bags. It was so horrible to see. I regret and regretted upsetting her like that. It's the worst moment of my life, and one that just seems so foolish and pointless now—I'm so sorry that we got into that row and I hate my part in it.

After eight years, she ended it there and then, didn't come to the wedding and cut contact—stonewalled me, dropped out of every whatsapp group. We'd been having the best year of our lives together. We were talking about the future. I was thinking of marriage/a kid—we were on course to talk about it.

We’d been away from each other for a week, but before that seemed completely loved up. I actually couldn’t believe how in sync we were and how much we were growing ‘more’ a couple even after all these years. One of the last things she said to me pre-row was, ‘I believe in us so much. And I think that’s special.’

She had a shitty childhood. I’ve interpreted her as having ‘dismissive avoidant attachment’—it’s the only way I can get my head round it. Anyway, I didn’t really die on this hill specifically, but I started walking up the hill defending Emi as a human. It’s a frikking

 

tragedy though.

dont take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Many people can seem nice, lovely, loving, wonderful when they are in a scenario that suits them, but to go off the deep end like that shows an insane level of instability in her, and if it wasnt this, it would clearly have been something else at a later date, imagine if this instability had reared its head when you had a kid?, maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

honestly, as i get older, i find many people have imbalanced personalities, they can seem perfectly normal, but if you poke the wrong thing they unravel.

I know this is my own personal experience, and others may think different, but i would say the number of people i have met in my life who have a genuinely, well balanced personality......i think i can count them on one hand, i can definitely count them on two hands, so many people out there have "issues", or personality imbalances that can be apparent initially, but many arent apparent until you reach certain trigger points, then its like they are completely different people.

Also, i know this may sound tripe.......but you shouldnt regret or feel responsible for debating or defending a position, you might be right, you might be wrong, thats not the point, as long as its done in a reasonable and adult manner, you are not responsible for another person being unable to do the same, if they are unbalanced, have internal issues, or cant handle reasoned and adult discussions/debate, then that isnt your fault, its theirs.

 

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, MaVilla said:

dont take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Many people can seem nice, lovely, loving, wonderful when they are in a scenario that suits them, but to go off the deep end like that shows an insane level of instability in her, and if it wasnt this, it would clearly have been something else at a later date, imagine if this instability had reared its head when you had a kid?, maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

honestly, as i get older, i find many people have imbalanced personalities, they can seem perfectly normal, but if you poke the wrong thing they unravel.

Nail on the head here.

@Rolta I know it's a kick in the stones, but for her to have acted like that it sounds like she's done you a favour.

[Wainy316]

Personally I really enjoyed Emi Martinez humping the golden glove trophy.

[Davkaus]

1 minute ago, Wainy316 said:

Personally I really enjoyed Emi Martinez humping the golden glove trophy.

I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't find a childish nob joke amusing.  

[Davkaus]

How long has it been since this incident @Rolta?

I'd echo the posts about there perhaps being more to it, and unless things are absolutely unsalvageable, it might be worth trying to figure out what those other things are.

Unless one or both of you are just completely set on being separated and don't regret it being over and done with, it sounds like it might be worth working through it, preferably with a proper couple's therapist. I can see why people are saying you dodged a bullet, but if there was none of this for 8 years and it's just all blew up, I wouldn't be keen on just letting it end over something as an escalated disagreement like that after a few drinks end it.

[Xela]

Snakes with tits.

[Wainy316]

2 hours ago, Davkaus said:

I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't find a childish nob joke amusing.  

Is this the VT equivalent of swiping right?

We’re a match!

[fruitvilla]

9 hours ago, Pinebro said:

Interesting to watch this 5 years later.

Gary Neville is spot on here whereas Carragher is wrong.

Reason why it didn't work out at Arsenal is because of egos and players not buying into his philosophy.

Just as an aside ... I was not completely on-side with Neville's analogy of letting one's kids get the upper hand when getting things done the way you want them to be done. Footballers we can exchange for a price, whereas kids, I find are a completely different thing. Now the Mrs ... ?

[chrisvilla4]

On 04/12/2023 at 03:59, Villan_of_oz said:

I do everything I can to support my wife and get kids, I pay the mortgage and pay all the bills, she does pay for some stuff.

Yet I feel like an outsider in my own house.

They're our kids when it suits her and her kids when it suits her....

That's all I'm going to say for the moment.

I'm a step dad too, it's a tough gig and a thankless task at times, in my circumstances I know there will be a day when it all feels worth it, it's just hard to keep reminding yourself of it. 

[Villan_of_oz]

1 hour ago, chrisvilla4 said:

I'm a step dad too, it's a tough gig and a thankless task at times, in my circumstances I know there will be a day when it all feels worth it, it's just hard to keep reminding yourself of it. 

I know that feeling mate, and I remind myself that one day when the kids are old enough they will know who was there for them.

They do know a lot more now and they are good kids, I guess the thing that tires me out a bit is that we have them way more than their dad does and sometimes Id like a bit more peace n quiet

When the wife is frustrated with the ex she doesn't go off at him, and I understand why, it's easier to play the long game. However it usually means I am the firing line then and that's the thing that really gets on my cheese. 

At the same time now my daughter has grown up and moved away it is nice to be needed and to see the kids grow up with respect for their mum, and me around to be a grumpy bastard when needed lol.

 

[chrisvilla4]

17 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said:

I know that feeling mate, and I remind myself that one day when the kids are old enough they will know who was there for them.

They do know a lot more now and they are good kids, I guess the thing that tires me out a bit is that we have them way more than their dad does and sometimes Id like a bit more peace n quiet

When the wife is frustrated with the ex she doesn't go off at him, and I understand why, it's easier to play the long game. However it usually means I am the firing line then and that's the thing that really gets on my cheese. 

At the same time now my daughter has grown up and moved away it is nice to be needed and to see the kids grow up with respect for their mum, and me around to be a grumpy bastard when needed lol.

 

Totally with you. Its the frustration in behalf of the kids I think. My SD doesn't see her dad, it's the fact that he is a scumbag that winds me up (she thinks he's scum too but shouldn't have too) all you want is for the dads to step up and play their part. That's the bit that makes me sad/ angry.

[Rolta]

21 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I thought Emis behaviour was a bit childish but he comes across like that anyway. As for all men’s sport being toxic, well who’s being  sexist there?

It does sound very extreme Rolta, and as you say I bet you wish now you hadn’t brought it up but jeez man 

She was never one to really talk about things on her mind (this is partly why I wonder if she's dismissive avoidant due to childhood trauma), but the only thing she ever listened to were feminism podcasts. As I say, I'd be accused of being as woke as anyone, and consider myself a feminist, but she'd had a few moments where she really got militant when there was a macho sexist incident like with Rubiales. I appreciate these incidents can be quite affecting, and like talking about it. Since the breakup my friend told me she was posting stuff from an influencer called The Slumflower, who comes across at times like the feminist version of Andrew Tate, maybe crossed with a little Ayn Rand too. There's a big emphasis on men being problems and taking them for everything you can.

I definitely wish I hadn't brought up the conversation. In an hour we went from having a chat about food with the parents, to obliterating the relationship.

20 hours ago, Genie said:

On the face of it, she flipped out over something reasonably small (especially when you consider they have 2 kids). But in reality she hadn’t wanted to be with him for several years and is now happily rid. She said he had gambling debts, drinks heavily, lies a lot and is now happier than ever.

In summary, it’s probably not the row that finished the relationship.

I obviously wondered all this myself, but I am so sure we were in a good place in every respect other than she did break down in tears back in June about her not knowing what she was doing career-wise. Having come over together to teach in Spain we were in a transition point no matter what, and there was some stress. We seemed to be facing up to it together. We talked on Zoom a month after the breakup, but it was so weird, and I didn't bring up the ghosting at all. I was trying to just be positive and to be relaxed and not make her defensive. I don't know why I did that (ok I watched a stupid 'get your ex back' video on YouTube), but it just made it a really one sided conversation, but even then she had no explanation why we broke up. She had nothing.

The day she blocked me on whatsapp we had a conversation that went like this...

I hadn't heard from her for a week, except for one message on the day of the wedding saying she just needed some space, another on the Monday saying she just needed a break and that everything was going to be OK, and two days later her being pissy with me about paying her the rent money, where she said 'I won't be paying rent in October, so you need to decide if you want to hand in your notice'. It was so indirect. I gave her some space, then two days later she dropped out of the whatsapp groups and then nothing else.

Finally on the Sunday I got a response. I was like 'I don't have a clarity about what's going on.' She said, 'I have clarity.' (EDIT: She also said I was disturbing her peace—she is for the record not usually an absolute arsehole). I said, 'Do you want to share it with me?' She said, 'No I don't have to explain myself to anyone.' I said I didn't even know if we'd broken up (obviously the signs weren't good, but we hadn't actually talked about it like adults to, which I was obviously expecting). She said that she had made her decision and that we'd broken up. I was like, 'I respect your decision, but should we not talk about this considering we've been together for 8 years, and we've been so close.' She said, 'I don't want to do that. My wants, my needs 100% of the time.' I apologised for upsetting her (again, let me say that in the argument I went to her because she upset me, tried to talk to her, then she insulted me/stopped letting me speak), and said I was sad about how she said me leaving the room was the kind of thing her dad would do to her mum (I think I mentioned that she hadn't seen her dad in 20 years), and she wrote 'I am being emotionally manipulated and that is not OK and I am removing myself from this conversation.' And she blocked me on whatsapp. I was so lost, totally in shock.

Now, you might be thinking I've left some details out here, but to maybe show that I haven't in a couple of emails about our flat situation and just sorting all that out, she told me that she loved me still. She also told all her friends that I was still her best friend. She also, apparently, before we left in the summer, was monologuing about how romantic our story was, how we met in the UK, then went to Spain together.

The idea is in my head that she was really stressed generally speaking, that me leaving the room in a mood was just another example of someone abandoning her, and it triggered a lot of barely suppressed childhood issues that has made her put her defences up. She's done it before, but never like this. I think she was maybe in a vulnerable place and the argument was just the straw that proved too much. EDIT: In the aftermath, I did mention I was open to a kid/marriage. She'd always been a little negative about having children, but at the same time also said she was just scared and that she was open to it. She had told one of her friends, again back in June, that she could see us having a kid. I'm not sure that talking about that duo in that emotional moment was the right move tbh, but then at that stage I was just trying to find a good honest place for us to talk from, but she never responded.

20 hours ago, MaVilla said:

dont take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Thanks for your whole post there. You're not the only one to have said this.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Rolta

[Rolta]

Long post above. Thanks for the replies everyone.

18 hours ago, Davkaus said:

How long has it been since this incident @Rolta?

I'd echo the posts about there perhaps being more to it, and unless things are absolutely unsalvageable, it might be worth trying to figure out what those other things are.

Unless one or both of you are just completely set on being separated and don't regret it being over and done with, it sounds like it might be worth working through it, preferably with a proper couple's therapist. I can see why people are saying you dodged a bullet, but if there was none of this for 8 years and it's just all blew up, I wouldn't be keen on just letting it end over something as an escalated disagreement like that after a few drinks end it.

It's been three months now. I've reached out to her a few times, but nothing's really happening. I keep mentioning dismissive avoidant attachment theory. Obviously this is the way I am making sense of it right now. The way it's written about online is that when people with that kind of background of childhood neglect detach they can really put their guard up for months on end and any kind of reaching out I do will only make things worse. She shows every sign of being dismissive avoidant—she has always been weirdly closed about her emotions, and reacted weirdly when I tried to talk to her about things that were bothering me (in life, not about her). We also got along amazingly and were so close and well-aligned at the same time. We're both pretty independent and not needy. If I ever went to her with something that was bothering me (again not about her), she'd always be very logical about it, which is apparently a sign. I'd be expecting a bit of sympathy, but she'd react with something like, 'What are you going to do about it? What steps are you going to take?'. She definitely had self-esteem issues, but put on a good show of being strong. Maybe we all do that though. You would never know if she's upset about anything until a few months later when she'd crack. She trusted me and was open with me, but as I say, I feel as if the mix of emotions and my reaction to leave her and go sleep elsewhere in the parents' house in an emotional time landed really badly. I apologised a thousand times. Even then, it's difficult to describe how frustrated I felt with the way she was responding to me before I left. I know I needed some space. Obviously I'd not leave if I had the chance again. It was such a destructive few hours. I'm still in our flat in Madrid and there have been some really tough moments of missing her.

There was none of this kind of thing for 8 years, and we were definitely happy. I am so sure of it, and yeah it blew up out of control—but even then the argument was shitty, but it was just an argument. I barely go a week without hearing about another couple doing the same or worse.

I'm still open to her, but there's not much I feel I can do. It's been so much to get my head around.

EDIT: Honestly, writing all this is just bringing back so many memories. I've highlighted the fall, but the good times were near constant. We were real partners in life.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Rolta